Frank J.’s New Year’s Resolutions

Posted on January 2, 2013 1:00 pm

I like New Year’s resolution because I firmly believe in that I should become more awesome every year until the day I die (which I predict will be from me literally exploding with awesomeness). So here are my resolutions for this year:

* I will get more vengeance against my enemies.

* I will capture Bigfoot (even though I suspect him to just be a large, hairy Canadian).

* I will have more pens around the house so I don’t have to go looking for a working pen. I mean I know I don’t use pens much anymore since mainly I take notes on my iPad, but still, every once in a while it would be nice to be sure pens are nearby.

* I will take more enjoyment out of the simple things in life, like headbutting.

* I will take all the elements that make food taste better (cheese, gravy, bacon, ranch dressing, butter, being fried) and make one super food using them all.

* Less talking, more roundhouse kicking to the face.

Well, that seems like some good ones. What are some other resolutions that will help one become more awesome?

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14 Responses to “Frank J.’s New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. Dohtimes says:

    *Try Hillary’s 12 Step Program: If I fall down 12 times on the way to the bathroom I will slow down on my drinking for the rest of the day.

  2. Harvey says:

    Other things to make sure there are lots of scattered throughout the house:


  3. KristenS says:

    Punch more hippies.

  4. Mike the Canuck says:

    All Canadians are a hybrid of Big Feet or “Samsquench” and French explorers.

  5. Mxymaster says:

    Give in to Buttercup on everything. But you probably already do that.

  6. DamnCat says:

    Eat more tuna.

  7. Greg says:

    and chocolate. And beer-don’t forget to add chocolate and beer to your awesome food invention.

  8. AT says:

    I am going to eat 2013 pieces of bacon.

  9. Manolo says:

    I don’t think you’ll have much luck capturing Bigfoot. She’ll have her own Secret Service detail for another four years.

  10. CaptMidnight says:

    I will be less awesome. Ha! Another resolution broken.

  11. Jimmy says:

    “cheese, gravy, bacon, ranch dressing, butter, being fried”


    Frank, don’t make me come over there and make you lick ’em.

  12. Writer says:

    Improve the economy.
    Require those on Unemployment for longer than seventy-eight weeks to work thirty hours a week in a public sewer. I bet that would slow things down.

  13. 4of7 says:

    Spend less, give more, pray often.

  14. Frank J. says:


    I was thinking of using potatoes (or potato skins) as the base of this food.

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