How to Solve the Illegal Immigration Problem

Posted on January 30, 2013 1:00 pm

So we’re going do amnesty again or something because that worked out so great in the 80s. Of course, to the Democrats, this isn’t really an issue of the law or our sovereignty because all they’re thinking is, “Hey! We can get more votes!” I mean, those guys if they could would make the presidential election an internet poll that anyone in the world could participate in because they know who that would favor.

There’s a lot that annoys me on this issue. One is the supreme dishonesty of the pro-illegal immigrant side — always trying to conflate illegal immigration with the legal kind and never really saying what they’re end goals are (open boarders? a broken system we just ignore?). The other is how the people who came here illegally aren’t all apologetic about it — they’re all like angry at us for daring to have some sort of immigration law like every other country out there. If the illegal immigrants were more like, “Man, we’re so sorry about what we did and we know it was wrong, but Mexico super sucks and your country is so awesome. Could you ever forgive us?” we might have solved this by now. But instead, “You’re racist! And mean!” Well, why do you want to be in a country of mean, racists then?

Anyway, this issue is of course solved in my book How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome. First off, we get rid of our borders. It just seems wrong other countries should be touching us. And then we institute new, better tests for American-ness for anyone becoming a citizen (like wrestling a grizzly bear). And for everyone who comes here illegally, we deport someone. But my compromise is that if an illegal immigrant passes the American test, we can deport a useless hippie in his place.

Easy peasy. Man, if everyone just bought my book we’d have solved all our problems by now and Obama and most of the rest of government would probably be in a prison camp — where they all belong.

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10 Responses to “How to Solve the Illegal Immigration Problem”

  1. Jonathan Cast says:

    Right, so the difference between illegal and legal immigration is that illegal immigration is actually possible. I’d really like to see more conservatives addressing the fact that it’s usually illegal to come and live here. How did that happen? And how do we fix it?

  2. plentyobailouts says:

    @#1 — No! the difference between LEGAL immigration and ILLEGAL invasion is if you came here legally, you are “jest one of dem dar feriners”. If you are a criminal invader, you should fit nicely in the mexipult or the mexicannon, depending on how far in you are caught. Wait that illegal was not from mexico, he was kenyan! Doesn’t matter, according to the marxists all illegals are mexicans and therefore, a victim of our law and should receive a democrat voting pamphlet. Therefore, all criminal invaders are put into the mexipult or the mexicannon, depending on what the sound they will make when they hit the landing area (The real fat ones go in the cannon because they make a really neat popping noise). Hope that cleared that up for you.

  3. storm1911 says:

    I have a simple proposal. Any criminal alien wanting citizenship must prove they are a real American by handing over a commie they killed or a face-punched hippie.

  4. DamnCat says:

    What happened to the Mexi-cannon? It appears you’ve abandoned the Mexi-cannon like it was an Ambassador to Libya or something.

  5. Carpenter says:

    The problem isn’t Illegal Immigration. I’ll take a hard working Mexican, legal or not over a Harvard educated godless Commie/Liberal anyday. The real problem is the Liberal Media and the companies who pay the Liberal Networks for advertising.

    WE (the people) are funding the Communists and WE are paying the salaries of the Communists (at CNN, MSNBC, CBC, ABC, PBS and NBC) everytime we purchase a product advertised on the Liberal Communist News Networks.

    The only answer, the only one that will work, is to DEPORT Alaska, Texas and Arizona right out of this godless liberal cesspool that was once a Great Nation.

  6. CarolyntheMommy says:


    #2 – I’ll settle for handing over the face-punched people who say “undocumented workers”. That phrase is like calling Michael Moore “festively plump”.

  7. Iowa Jim says:

    But my compromise is that if an illegal immigrant passes the American test, we can deport a useless hippie in his place.

    I’d amend that to read “a useless hippie or a lawyer”. I hate lawyers. They’re worse than useless. They’re harmful. And they smell worse than

  8. Carpenter says:

    Think about this for a minute.

    Before long we could be ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS in Canada and Mexico. I mean if things get any worse (and they will) we will be fleeing from this communist controlled godless country.

    You think its bad now? Just wait till Hillary is President. Obama is just the beginning.

  9. Writer says:


    Shrillary will never be President.

    That is a joke.

    Obama won’t allow any more Presidential elections, and we won’t have any firearms left to stop him with.

  10. calcpa says:

    Why would you be upset to be called a “racist”? The word has no meaning any more.

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