Let’s send a B-Ark

Posted on January 9, 2013 9:00 am

Now scientists think that there may be 17-billion Earth-size planets in our galaxy. That’s a U.S. billion, which is 17 followed by 9 zeroes.

Now, just because a planet is Earth-size doesn’t mean it will support life. Look at Venus, the nearest planet to Earth. It’s just about the same size as Earth, but its average temperature is 872° F (467° C for you scientist types and Europeans), which is hot, even for someone from the south.

Still, 17-billion? That’s a lot of planets. Maybe we’ll find one that’s habitable.

And, if we do, we need to figure out how to send a B-Ark with all the liberals on it.

In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the Golgafrincham sent their useless people off into space. For those that don’t know the story — and shame on you if you don’t! — the Golgafrincham told of impending doom, and the population would be sent off into space in three giant space arks, with the A-Ark containing the leaders and achievers, the C-Ark containing people who did the actual work, and the B-Ark containing, well, the rest. Of course, the B-Ark was sent off first, and the rest of the population remained behind, rid of the nuisances.

Which means this information about there being 17-billion Earth-size planets? We can use this.

We need to come up with some story that the liberals will believe — I don’t think being eaten by a mutant Star Goat will do — and send them off.

Maybe tell them we found a planet populated with baby seals. Or a planet with free Obamaphones and food stamps. We need to come up with something.

Keep in mind, we don’t need to wait until we find another habitable planet. We just need ideas to get them to agree to all pile into a big ship we can send off into deep space.


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22 Responses to “Let’s send a B-Ark”

  1. James says:

    How about “Only the B-Ark will be free of guns and religion”

  2. Harvey says:

    Simple. We just tell them we’ve finally realized they were right about global warming and it’s time for immediate action.

    They won’t be able to get their smug little faces on the ship fast enough.

  3. Iowa Jim says:

    Just think of a world without liberals, lawyers, salesmen, human resources weenies, professors of women’s studies . . . what a wonderful world it would be!!

  4. FormerHostage says:

    We’ve discovered a planet at the edge of the galaxy populated by unicorns and a race of aliens undocumented inhabitants who’s main cultural activity is to displense birth control, have gay sex, work for nothing as long as it’s for the greater good and have not invented black powder of color.

  5. Jimmy says:

    Since it will take 40,000 years to get there, we’ll give them a little, red, ‘longevity pill’ before they board that will put them in ‘stasis’ for the voyage. Of course, we don’t tell them that the ship’s initial trajectory is a collision path with the Sun.

  6. Matt Musson says:

    Ever wonder if that is how we got here to Earth?

  7. Chip says:

    We could tell the Libs that the the SCOTUS ruled that the Constitution and Bill of Rights only apply to Earth leaving the new Earth, which we will call Earth 2.1, completely free of any limitation on Government. As such, Earth 2.1 is in dire need of a group of people who can tell each other what size soda is good for them and how much salt is healthy.

  8. Vaktatunnen says:

    In space no one can hear you whine.

  9. Hammy says:

    Remember the rest of the story Basil and allow the phone sanitizers to remain on Earth.

  10. Mecahawk says:

    I don’t understand the logic. Why do we have to send liberals to a “habitable” planet?

  11. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    …its average temperature is 872° F

    Venal Warming!!!!

    I bet before they got SUVs it was only like 871.5

  12. Jimmy says:

    Well, one thing’s for sure: they’ll be aborting their babies along the way and probably eating them.

  13. alexchris says:

    I am all for sending the libs to a new world, but let us not forget to include with them, all those useless politicians we have in D.C.

  14. Crabby Old Bat says:

    Free condoms, free abortions for those who don’t like to use condoms, all the choom they can smoke, and tell them it was Barry’s idea so that anyone who doesn’t want to go is RAAAACIST!!1!1

  15. Jimmy says:

    We Eat The People

  16. Jimmy says:

    It’s a cookbook!

  17. nightfly says:

    Hey – we just discovered an Earth-like planet where nobody regulates anything and everyone is super-happy! They need your help to run their lives! All aboard!!!

  18. Mr_Write says:

    We’ll definitely need a theme song for this. I suggest modifying one that is already popular with lefties with lyrics along these lines:

    “Imagine no rightwingers
    I wonder if you can
    No need for guns or freedom
    A brotherhood of man, woman, GLBT, etc.
    Imagine all the people
    Sharing B-Ark2”

  19. FredKey says:

    Fake story in the Times:

    NASA Discovers Patchouli Planet
    No hippie-punchers visible

  20. TiminAL says:

    Interesting how closely B-ark and B-rak are. Tell them they can get a free ride, free phones and a ride along with the Choomster to the new Earth 2.0 and they’ll likely line up for miles, or kilometers I suppose.

  21. RAML says:

    Send the whole gov with them

  22. 4of7 says:

    Tell them only the smartest, most caring, most articulate people will be allowed on board.
    Their own egos will force them to claw their way to a spot in the ship.
    It’d be the easiest scam since “The Emperors New Clothes”.
    In a way, it’d be a reverse-rapture; the proud would be taken, the humble would remain.

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