Straight Line of the Day: To Avoid Bankruptcy, The U.S. Postal Service…

Posted on January 24, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

To avoid bankruptcy, the U.S. Postal Service…

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61 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: To Avoid Bankruptcy, The U.S. Postal Service…”

  1. Apostic says:

    …has stopped taking steroids.

  2. Sharky says:

    … has announced the new $47 stamp for all your postage needs.

  3. Sharky says:

    … is now selling a new “Going Postal” line of assault weapons by mail-order.

  4. Glen Harness says:

    … has mailed itself a check for $1 trillion.

  5. FormerHostage says:

    …has introduced the $1,000,000,000,000 stamp.

  6. FormerHostage says:

    …has ordered a redesign of it’s logo.

  7. Conservatarian says:

    …will deliver all mail via vacuum tubes

  8. Choey says:

    will be holding a bake sale every Thursday afternoon.

  9. JAGernaut says:

    …has announced that it will be “internally redistributing” all tax refund checks sent by mail.

  10. rodney dill says:

    …to replace the forever stamp has introduced the Everlasting Gobstopper reusable stamp.

    (FormerHostage already took my first thought in #5)

  11. rodney dill says:

    ….lost their notice of bankruptcy in the mail. (wink wink)

  12. rodney dill says:

    …declared themselves an indian reservation and started opening up casinos.

  13. FormerHostage says:

    Has sent flyers to businesses that basically says, “Nice package you got there. Be a shame if something happened to it.”

  14. storm1911 says:

    Postal union members want a little “gift” left for them in your mailbox if you want your mail deliverd, capish?

  15. rodney dill says:

    …has decided to responsor Lance Armstrong for the cycling team…

  16. FormerHostage says:

    …is trying to amend the ObamaCare act to include the requirement that everyone purchase a book of stamps each week or pay a fine.

  17. rodney dill says:

    …will hire Joe Biden as there accountant.

  18. FormerHostage says:

    …gave the can a really swift kick!

  19. FormerHostage says:

    …has posted “No Bankruptcy Zone” signs at all offices.

  20. srm000 says:

    …Told Obama that yes, he does have to pay just like everyone else.

  21. Writer says:

    . . . are holding a Lottery and the winner gets to design the new stamp.

  22. Crabby Old Bat says:

    . . . demanded that the greedy 1% pay off all of their debts, the smug bastards. [Sadly, this is likely to be exactly true, through a bail-out subsidized by wealth-redistributive taxation.]

  23. Writer says:

    . . . will issue the “Old Elvis” stamp and charge by the pound for it.

  24. Matt Musson says:

    is applying for Food Stamps.

  25. Rayfan87 says:

    Is pushing for electronic stamps for email and text messages.

  26. rodney dill says:

    …is changing the name of S&H Green stamps to Solyndra Green stamps.

  27. rodney dill says:

    … is starting to manufacture cars

  28. HokieGomer says:

    …are converting all their their delivery trucks to solar power. So much for that snow, rain and gloom of night pledge.

    …are changing their motto to “We’ll get it there…sometime…maybe…”

  29. Cyrus says:

    … are borrowing one BILLION dollars! It works that way for Congress… right?

  30. rodney dill says:

    is planning to ….. SQUIRREL!!!

  31. tomg51 says:

    ….started printing more stamps

  32. rodney dill says:

    …actually showing a profit due to the increases in mail order ammo for hand guns.

  33. buckhorn_cortez says:

    Give Green Stamps with every purchase.

  34. g says:

    … instead of delivering the publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes they are just filling them out.

  35. FredKey says:

    …said they were too big to mail and requested a mail-out! (rim shot)

  36. rodney dill says:

    @FredKey – Epic Mail

  37. rodney dill says:

    …will start a subscription service known as Fee Mail instead of just regular mail, because everyone knows once you hook up with Fee Mails you pay for it the rest of your life.

  38. Drew says:

    went to credit counselling instead.

  39. FormerHostage says:

    @Rodney. Woodshed. NOW!

  40. FormerHostage says:

    …started using FedEx.

  41. FormerHostage says:

    …only hires illegals.

  42. Tau Dades says:

    …was bought out by the federal go… oh wait

  43. rodney dill says:

    @Formerhostage – Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

  44. plentyobailouts says:

    @ Fredkey, Rodney, and Hostage, y’all owes me a monitor and a cup of coffee!

  45. Jimmy says:

    …started Twitter and Facebook accounts and got banned.

  46. Dohtiimes says:

    …extended franking privileges to all citizens, when you buy a stamp Barney Frank licks you.

    …will let a TSA agent weigh your package.

    …negotiated with their union to require all employees clock out before going postal.

  47. blarg says:

    Is offering a new service – for an extra $10 a week they’ll stop delivering you junk mail.

    Is starting a new concept – unlisted address

    Is raising their debt limit

  48. Jimmy says:

    …is re-establishing the Pony Express but this time using pink Unicorns, instead.

  49. tanstaafl says:

    has added “mail delivery insurance” to the minimum insurance package under obamacare

  50. Anonymiss says:

    @Rodney love the fee mail!

    why don’t they get rid of all the old LLVs (6-10 mpg) and buy up all the excess Volts? Just sayin…

  51. CTCompromise says:

    …was just sold to China.

  52. Jimmy says:

    In Russia, the Postal Service delivers you!!

  53. CTCompromise says:

    @13. Former Hostage: ~~~~ To you – and to the Ferracotti Brothers (Hate to see any’fing break!)

  54. Oppo says:

    …sent an email to all subscribers, asking why business is declining.

  55. Oppo says:

    …took the obvious step of donating to the Democratic Party. Problem solved!

  56. Oppo says:

    …changed the bankruptcy dial, so that Chapter 11 is now chapter 12.

  57. Bathawk says:

    Made a Trillion dollar platnum stamp. Now we just need a letter big enough for it.

  58. Writer says:

    Since stamps have gone up 700% in forty years, they claim they need more money.

    Do they have something to do with the Government?

    Who else has received a 700% increase in salary over that time?

  59. RAML says:

    They have disowned the union

  60. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …has merged with the mafia and is introducing a new slogan: “If you want to be sure they get the message, GO POSTAL!”

  61. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    […] of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “To avoid bankruptcy, the U.S. Postal Service…” and “Scientists have discovered evidence there could be life on […]

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