Straight Line of the Day: To Avoid Bankruptcy, The U.S. Postal Service…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
To avoid bankruptcy, the U.S. Postal Service…
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(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
January 24th, 2013 at 12:02 pm
…has stopped taking steroids.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:05 pm
… has announced the new $47 stamp for all your postage needs.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
… is now selling a new “Going Postal” line of assault weapons by mail-order.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:07 pm
… has mailed itself a check for $1 trillion.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
…has introduced the $1,000,000,000,000 stamp.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
…has ordered a redesign of it’s logo.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
…will deliver all mail via vacuum tubes
January 24th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
will be holding a bake sale every Thursday afternoon.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:23 pm
…has announced that it will be “internally redistributing” all tax refund checks sent by mail.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:24 pm
…to replace the forever stamp has introduced the Everlasting Gobstopper reusable stamp.
(FormerHostage already took my first thought in #5)
January 24th, 2013 at 12:25 pm
….lost their notice of bankruptcy in the mail. (wink wink)
January 24th, 2013 at 12:26 pm
…declared themselves an indian reservation and started opening up casinos.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:29 pm
Has sent flyers to businesses that basically says, “Nice package you got there. Be a shame if something happened to it.”
January 24th, 2013 at 12:29 pm
Postal union members want a little “gift” left for them in your mailbox if you want your mail deliverd, capish?
January 24th, 2013 at 12:29 pm
…has decided to responsor Lance Armstrong for the cycling team…
January 24th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
…is trying to amend the ObamaCare act to include the requirement that everyone purchase a book of stamps each week or pay a fine.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:31 pm
…will hire Joe Biden as there accountant.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:34 pm
…gave the can a really swift kick!
January 24th, 2013 at 12:38 pm
…has posted “No Bankruptcy Zone” signs at all offices.
January 24th, 2013 at 12:52 pm
…Told Obama that yes, he does have to pay just like everyone else.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:00 pm
. . . are holding a Lottery and the winner gets to design the new stamp.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:01 pm
. . . demanded that the greedy 1% pay off all of their debts, the smug bastards. [Sadly, this is likely to be exactly true, through a bail-out subsidized by wealth-redistributive taxation.]
January 24th, 2013 at 1:03 pm
. . . will issue the “Old Elvis” stamp and charge by the pound for it.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:06 pm
is applying for Food Stamps.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:22 pm
Is pushing for electronic stamps for email and text messages.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:23 pm
…is changing the name of S&H Green stamps to Solyndra Green stamps.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:24 pm
… is starting to manufacture cars
January 24th, 2013 at 1:24 pm
…are converting all their their delivery trucks to solar power. So much for that snow, rain and gloom of night pledge.
…are changing their motto to “We’ll get it there…sometime…maybe…”
January 24th, 2013 at 1:26 pm
… are borrowing one BILLION dollars! It works that way for Congress… right?
January 24th, 2013 at 1:26 pm
is planning to ….. SQUIRREL!!!
January 24th, 2013 at 1:26 pm
….started printing more stamps
January 24th, 2013 at 1:27 pm
…actually showing a profit due to the increases in mail order ammo for hand guns.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:35 pm
Give Green Stamps with every purchase.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:36 pm
… instead of delivering the publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes they are just filling them out.
January 24th, 2013 at 1:38 pm
…said they were too big to mail and requested a mail-out! (rim shot)
January 24th, 2013 at 1:44 pm
@FredKey – Epic Mail
January 24th, 2013 at 1:48 pm
…will start a subscription service known as Fee Mail instead of just regular mail, because everyone knows once you hook up with Fee Mails you pay for it the rest of your life.
January 24th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
went to credit counselling instead.
January 24th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
@Rodney. Woodshed. NOW!
January 24th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
…started using FedEx.
January 24th, 2013 at 2:06 pm
…only hires illegals.
January 24th, 2013 at 2:33 pm
…was bought out by the federal go… oh wait
January 24th, 2013 at 2:47 pm
@Formerhostage – Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
January 24th, 2013 at 4:04 pm
@ Fredkey, Rodney, and Hostage, y’all owes me a monitor and a cup of coffee!
January 24th, 2013 at 4:21 pm
…started Twitter and Facebook accounts and got banned.
January 24th, 2013 at 4:48 pm
…extended franking privileges to all citizens, when you buy a stamp Barney Frank licks you.
…will let a TSA agent weigh your package.
…negotiated with their union to require all employees clock out before going postal.
January 24th, 2013 at 5:03 pm
Is offering a new service – for an extra $10 a week they’ll stop delivering you junk mail.
Is starting a new concept – unlisted address
Is raising their debt limit
January 24th, 2013 at 5:13 pm
…is re-establishing the Pony Express but this time using pink Unicorns, instead.
January 24th, 2013 at 5:14 pm
has added “mail delivery insurance” to the minimum insurance package under obamacare
January 24th, 2013 at 6:11 pm
@Rodney love the fee mail!
why don’t they get rid of all the old LLVs (6-10 mpg) and buy up all the excess Volts? Just sayin…
January 24th, 2013 at 7:22 pm
…was just sold to China.
January 24th, 2013 at 7:26 pm
In Russia, the Postal Service delivers you!!
January 24th, 2013 at 7:33 pm
@13. Former Hostage: ~~~~ To you – and to the Ferracotti Brothers (Hate to see any’fing break!)
January 24th, 2013 at 7:58 pm
…sent an email to all subscribers, asking why business is declining.
January 24th, 2013 at 8:01 pm
…took the obvious step of donating to the Democratic Party. Problem solved!
January 24th, 2013 at 8:10 pm
…changed the bankruptcy dial, so that Chapter 11 is now chapter 12.
January 24th, 2013 at 9:11 pm
Made a Trillion dollar platnum stamp. Now we just need a letter big enough for it.
January 24th, 2013 at 9:36 pm
Since stamps have gone up 700% in forty years, they claim they need more money.
Do they have something to do with the Government?
Who else has received a 700% increase in salary over that time?
January 24th, 2013 at 9:57 pm
They have disowned the union
January 25th, 2013 at 3:19 am
…has merged with the mafia and is introducing a new slogan: “If you want to be sure they get the message, GO POSTAL!”
January 26th, 2013 at 7:44 pm
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