Train of thought

Posted on January 24, 2013 9:00 am
Alfred_Ely_Beach

What’s the fastest-growing cause of death in New York City?

Consider this: in 2012, there were 55 deaths by this cause; if this year’s pace continues, 2013 will record 116 deaths.

The cause? Subways.

No, not the sandwich shop, the transportation method.

While that’s not as many people as are killed by other means, it’s one of the fastest-growing causes of death, according to information in a CBS report.

When will liberals call for a ban on subways? I mean, that’s the next step, right? Only, how would they do it?

Ban high-capacity trains? Require a permit to own a subway token?

That’s your task: using liberal logic (?!), tell us how a liberal would handle the increase in subway deaths.

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27 Responses to “Train of thought”

  1. Doug says:

    As an increase in shovel-ready jobs!

  2. Rayfan87 says:

    That would be considered an unfortunate side effect of an increase in public transportation. So basically ignored.

  3. Harvey says:

    Ironically, by calling for nation-wide high-speed rail.

  4. CTCompromise says:

    Put TSA agents on every platform.

  5. NoMoBama says:

    Replace the Emergency Broadcast system with Dumb Ways To Die 100 times a day.

  6. Cyrus says:

    Wiat for Global Climate Change (TM) to flood the city, then use gondolas made from sustaineably grown bamboo… until somebody drowns… then we will all have to telecommute.

  7. jack says:

    I get on the phone to my CPUSA contact in Hollywood and tell him: “Evil right-wingers are pushing Muslims and homeless people in front of trains. We need to make a movie STAT!” Next I call my CPUSA contact at MSNBC and say: “Chris buddy, how’s it going? How’s Kathleen doing? And what about your kids Michael, Thomas, and Caroline? Great…listen I’ve got a great opportunity to make some great news and generate some serious dough for the AFL-CIO. Seems as though the NYC subway system isn’t very safe. No, Neocons keep throwing progressives under the train. You know how we’ve always wanted a highspeed rail from Manhattan to Staten Island right? Listen, start interviewing people. Find out if they know why Republicans think it’s so funny when Muslims and Homeless people are pushed in front of dilapidated old-fashioned subway trains. Ask them if it’s the humor-factor that caused them to vote against every increase in transportation funding. Yeah…make sure you get some weeping Burqa-wearing Abba-Dabba with tears boo-hooing down her face rag.

  8. Chip says:

    Duh…. Criminal and Mental Background checks on each person, including their friends and family, before they can get a permit to buy subway tokens. And a limit of one subway token per person per day because who *needs* to ride the subway more than once per day.

  9. NoMoBama says:

    100% unemployment will solve ALL the problems!

  10. Iowa Jim says:

    Maximum speed limit of 5 mph on all trains (most of the trains that I’ve ridden in the past five years seem to have had that as a policy, anyway).

  11. FormerHostage says:

    No more open platforms. They will all have a plexiglass wall between the platform and the tracks with sliding doors spaced the same length as the subway car doors. When the car stops, the union employee hired for the job will push the button to open the doors, wait exactly 10 seconds as outlined in his job description, then push the other button to close the doors. Of course, before he can open the doors the car has to be exactly positioned with may take a few tries and slow down the bording and debarking process but that’s why there is the 10 second rule in place, to keep the trains moving and not waste time picking up passengers.

  12. spacemonkey says:

    make it illegal to let a subway kill you.

  13. Basil says:

    Like a “Pushing People In Front Of Subway Trains”-Free Zones?

  14. Andy says:

    The fastest growing cause of death in NYC is abortion.
    http://nyc41percent.com/

  15. Professor Hale says:

    Disney solved this problem 30 years ago. Automated trains, guard rails and automated gates that only open when there is an open car door in front of it.

  16. Mrs. C says:

    First we need a thorough study to determine the root cause of theses increasing deaths. We’ll need a few million $ to hire a blue-ribbon commission do perform this study.

    After the study is complete, we will need a special House, and Senate committee to analyse the data and propose legislation.

  17. FormerHostage says:

    Put Joe Biden in charge of a commission.

  18. Gun Nut says:

    2. Rayfan87 says:

    That would be considered an unfortunate side effect of an increase in public transportation. So basically ignored.

    Absolutely correct! The unwashed masses must not have the ability to move about freely.

  19. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Subways should be less scary looking.

    Those subways which are scary looking, and utilise high-capacity carriages, must be banned as “assault trains”. After all, no private citizen needs to have acces to a “vehicle of war”.

    Subways must be limited to seven-person-capacity carriages. Just because it sounds “safer”.

  20. Dirk The Imapiler says:

    If the lie-beral logic is that banning guns is worthwhile if it even saves the live of one child, the we also need to ban subways for the same reason. We have to be consistant with our logic.

    While we are at it, we must ban cars, trucks, airplanes, baseball bats, pipes, etc, etc, etc, for the same reason…

  21. Crabby Old Bat says:

    What does it matter now?! These people are already dead and you should be ashamed of climbing on their bodies to grandstand your position on public safety. (Pounds table.)

  22. Crabby Old Bat says:

    Professor Hale says: Disney solved this problem 30 years ago. Automated trains, guard rails and automated gates that only open when there is an open car door in front of it.

    You lost sight of the assignment, Professor. The task was to use “liberal logic” to “tell us how a liberal would handle the increase in subway deaths.” Necessarily, a liberal would not pursue a rational, practical solution with any chance of real-world success.

  23. silaS marreD says:

    If subways were run by private industry this would be the lead story on every network for weeks and candlelight vigils would be held nightly for the dead massacred by Capitalism.

    Since subways that cause deaths are run by a big government agency, Meh!

  24. NoMoBama says:

    The pit (track area below platform) is generally african amrican black, therefore it’s a ….black hole! Black hole is racist! Why isn’t it a white hole? You just want to blame black people of color, for falling in the black hole that the white man created to keep our people down! Those subways were built by slaves! Why do you think it was called ‘the underground railway’? You’re all racists! Raise the fare and allow our people to ride for free!! Only then will there be an end to this subway racism.

  25. NoMoBama says:

    *underground railroad, they built that too.

  26. Dohtiimes says:

    Make all the crazy people pushing people in front of trains and killing them ride on the short train that takes a different route. Then we could make fun of them and laugh.

  27. Jimmy says:

    I had thoughts on a train once… a “train of thoughts” as it were… but it got derailed.

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