DHS Says: Kill Crazed Gunmen With Scissors

Posted on February 5, 2013 8:00 am

[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons]

Seriously. Scissors. About 1:45

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10 Responses to “DHS Says: Kill Crazed Gunmen With Scissors”

  1. Dodsfall says:

    Those aren’t just any scissors, those are Assault Scissors. Note the black plastic furniture and ergonomic grip. This makes the scissors much more deadly than normal scissors. They can also be used multiple times without reloading. A gunman would not stand a chance against them.

  2. Chip says:

    This advice obviously does not apply to school settings. The kids are only armed with those safety-scissors that have the rounded points and blunted cutting edges.

    Although the vision of 30 or more kids all running at you brave-heart style with death in their eyes and rounded scissors raised in defiance would be pretty intimidating. For a moment at least.

  3. Harvey says:

    @2 – I’ll just note that even plastic safety scissors will penetrate a cornea if inserted forcefully.

  4. Calvin A. says:

    Have you ever tried to aim a pair of scissors at a target as small as a cornea when you are under stress? Ask any active duty police officer who has been involved in a scissor stabbing and he’ll tell you, it is much harder to accurately stab when you are under attack. You would be lucky to even hit the perpetrator at all, let alone hit him in the cornea.

    Try this. Run around the block as fast as you can, then stab a man shaped target with a pair of scissors. See how accurate you are. It will be informative.

  5. NoMoBama says:

    Someone really really needs to make the obvious ‘other’ version of this, the one where the shooter is shot 47 times by all the people in the building with their legal guns and all their scissors stay in the drawer where they won’t hurt anyone.

    The kids are programed to not run with their scissors anyway so they’d all just stand there, what good would that do?

  6. blarg says:

    Scissors don’t kill people, elementary school students do.

  7. CTCompromise says:

    My favorite part is where the narrator says: “Call 911 when it is safe to do so” as they show the lady dialing 911 immediately after she exits the building…while standing in front of the large glass entry door! Doh!!

  8. Dohtimes says:

    Calvin A., Harvey would run around the block and stab him from behind.

  9. tcstorm1 says:

    They didn’t talk about the trail of bread crumbs the authorities would leave, and of the big chocolate chip cookie we would get if we obey.

  10. ImperialDave says:

    Just don’t run with them!

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