DHS Sniffs Glue, Recommends Scissors

Posted on February 4, 2013 1:00 pm

What do you do if you’re in the middle of a mass shooting? Well the DHS has some advice for you: grab a pair of scissors and fight back.

I’ve seen the left belittle the idea that a regular person with a gun would have the composure to do anything against a mass shooter, and yet we have the DHS literally recommending us bring a knife to a gun fight. Not a great idea; gun beats scissors (along with rock and paper — even if the paper is a gun control law).

Here’s an idea even better than scissors: Stop passing mass shooter protection laws that make sure we’re disarmed at schools and other potential targets.

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20 Responses to “DHS Sniffs Glue, Recommends Scissors”

  1. Zaklog the Great says:

    Liberal Die Hard: “Now I have self-defense scissors. Ho ho ho.”

    Dirty Harry: “I know what you’re thinking: Did he cut six pieces of paper, or only five? Honestly, in all the excitement I kind of lost track myself.”

  2. Son of Bob says:

    I worry about scissors in the hands of someone who’s not a “trained professional.”

  3. Zaklog the Great says:

    If scissors are a tool of self-defense, does that make a paper shredder an assault weapon?

    If we’re supposed to use scissors, are we allowed to run with them? I’m pretty sure running would be a crucial part of any self-defense based on scissors.

  4. CTCompromise says:

    Does that mean we have to WALK away from a mass shooter because we have scissors in our hand?

  5. Dohtimes says:

    Next holding your breath until you turn blue will be a liberal argument AND your best defense against chemical/biological terrorist attacks. By the way, that is a great line: – even if the paper is a gun control law.

  6. Carpenter says:

    VICTIMS! It’s the VICTIMS, stooopid.

    Don’t you get it yet? The left needs a steady source of VICTIMS to use as human shields against reality.

    They want people to get shot. They want women to be raped. They want teenagers to get pregnant. They want societal decay, social rot and sexual perversion to be normalized at the GRADE SCHOOL LEVEL because VICTIMS will always vote for Democrats! And when you are convinced that bizarre sexual perversion is totally normal behavior before puberty there is a 75% chance that you WILL BE A VICTIM too.

    It’s the VICTIMS, stooopid. They need more victims.

  7. Zaklog the Great says:

    To be fair, scissors are a great defense . . . against oppressive government regulations. “This Obamacare crap is completely non-sensical. 2000 pages of it? Man, I need some big scissors here.”

  8. blarg says:

    …. And if you’re in one of those schools where scissors have been banned over safety concerns you can just cover a patch of floor with Elmer’s glue and wait for the shooter to step in it and glue themselves to the floor.

  9. Manolo says:

    It’s so you can cut out paper snowflakes. When you get enough snowflakes, you make a snowball and throw it at the bad person with the gun.

  10. Jimmy says:

    Ban assault scissors!

  11. Manolo says:

    It’s actually a pretty smart idea: You point the scissors at the teacher, you get expelled, the school district provides you with a teacher to home school you, and you’re safe at home getting a quality private education when the lunatic visits the unprotected school.

    It’s brilliant, I tell ya’!

  12. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Jimmy does it again! Sigh. I love me some Jimmy (note: that’s NOT a racist reference).

    Anyhow, why does anyone NEED scissors with points? As a lefty I can assure you that those annoying, green-handled ones they give left-handed kids in school cut paper just fine. You don’t NEED to return aggression against an attcker; just duck and cover or extend the hand of friendship to the person breaking into your home.

  13. Son of Bob says:

    Jimmy,

    Scissors don’t cut paper, people cut paper.

  14. Matt Musson says:

    If you are in an Airport you are SOL. The TSA will take away your scissors.

  15. Dohtimes says:

    Coming to you soon will be a scissors free school zone and the first expulsion for violating the zero tolerance policy which now includes peace signs.

  16. Rayfan87 says:

    I say the best thing to throw is a chair, then bum rush him while he’s ducking said chair. Then you can either try to grab. The gun or just beat the living hell out of the shooter.

  17. Jimmy says:

    Carolyn, you can have you some Jimmies. (They go good on ice cream). And if you’re really good, I’ll give you some Jammies to go with them. Then you’ll have Jimmie Jammies. Just as long as you don’t get the heebie jeebies.

  18. Toadroller says:

    @Blarg, Elmers isn’t gluten free ( you can’t have glue without the gluten) and has probaby been banned as well.

    Gosh, homeschooling makes more sense every day. Not a gun free zone.

  19. Karen says:

    But where do I mount the gernade launcher?

  20. Oppo says:

    From Janet Napolitano:

    Big Scissors watching.

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