God Is a Hacker

Posted on February 21, 2013 3:00 pm

According to scientists, the universe exists on the very edge of stability. So basically God is a hacker and MacGuyvered this universe together, and while it’s working fine for now, it could just completely collapse at any moment. So let’s all do our best not to bother the universe. Like, stop trying to divide by zero on your calculator. I mean, if we collapse this universe, it will probably take God like a week to hammer a new one together, and I bet parts of it will just never work as well as this one.

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28 Responses to “God Is a Hacker”

  1. DamnCat says:

    …the universe exists on the very edge of stability.

    Me too.

  2. Carpenter says:

    It’s even worse than that. Scientists calculating the mass of the Higgs Boson particle could spell doom for the entire universe. Not just our Earth. Not our Milkyway Galaxy. The whole damned kit and caboodle!

    And GOD is just gonna let it happen.

    Toronto Sun
    Higgs Boson particle could spell doom for the universe

    Thursday, February 21, 2013

    BOSTON – Scientists are still sorting out the details of last year’s discovery of the Higgs boson particle, but add up the numbers and it’s not looking good for the future of the universe, scientists said Monday……

    ….“It may be that the universe we live in is inherently unstable …. now it’s all going to get wiped out,” said Lykken,

  3. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Hey man, you try to do better in 7 days.

  4. DamnCat says:

    @ 3. CarolyntheMommy


  5. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Hey man, you try to do better in 7 days.

    Actually God did it in six.

    On the seventh, He put his feet up, had some adult beverages, lit up an Arturo Fuente and called it good.

  6. Son of Bob says:

    Couldn’t Obama build another one?

  7. CarolyntheMommy says:

    7, Bunker. Also, please see the Bible chapter where Indiana Jones and Sallah find the Ark and deliver it to the Nazis so Indy can then go get the Holy Grail. Jeez man, crack a book once in a while.

  8. Jimmy says:

    According to Quantum Mechanics, the Universe would then be both fine AND screwed-up at the same time.

  9. DamnCat says:

    Quantum Mechanics suck. If you don’t have a good ASE Certified Mechanic you’re gonna have nothing but trouble.

  10. Jimmy says:

    And if God is truly a “hacker,” can he please hack his way into Schrödingers Cat box and answer the Damn Cat question already?!

  11. Jimmy says:

    Of course, that could get messy – but probably no messier than the mess inside the box.

  12. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Jeez man, crack a book once in a while.


    Genesis, 2:2…On the sixth day God finished the work He had been doing. And He rested on the seventh day from all the work He had done. God blessed the seventh day and made it Holy because He rested from all the work of His creation. [St. Joseph Edition of The Holy Bible, Confraternity-Douay Version. (c) 1963-Catholic Book Publishing Co., NY]

  13. Rayfan87 says:

    Wait, the universe exists on the edge of stability? If its anything like my ex girlfriend we are totally screwed.

  14. Oppo says:

    “I am the Alpha and the Omega. YOU are the Beta.”

  15. Oppo says:

    Old Testament, New Testament, Bench Testament.

  16. Oppo says:

    So *that’s* why there are so many species of bugs.

  17. Oppo says:

    Scientists stumbled upon this insight when they found a worn-out piece of duct tape on the back of the asteroid in Russia.

  18. Oppo says:

    “So let’s all do our best not to bother the universe. Like, stop trying to divide by zero …”

    Uh . . . . oh . . . . . :
    All the units in our country got divided by Zero……

  19. Jimmy says:

    0/~ = 0

    ~/0 = ?

    A: Disaster.

  20. Jimmy says:

    So, Frank is saying that God is going to spring some kind of “Universal Zero-day” on us?

    Why can’t he just do that to the Chinese?

  21. CarolyntheMommy says:

    OH come on, Bunker. Now you’re just making stuff up. You probably also didn’t even know that Charlton Heston led the Jews out of Egypt.

  22. Harvey says:

    @19 – So the cure for dividing by zero is to divide by bacon?

  23. Jimmy says:

    Could be, Harvey, since Zero is dividing our bacon and leaving us with disaster. If we divide Zero by bacon, it’s a wash. We got nothin’. But Zero IS nothin’ – so no surprise there.

    But if it isn’t Zero, it’s always better to multiply by bacon, like this:

    ♀ * ~ = ♥

    At least this is my theory.

  24. Jimmy says:

    I have to remind myself, however, that the inconsistency in my theory is that Zero is The One, or:

    0 = 1

    which is like saying we’re living in Basil’s Bizarro Universe.

  25. DamnCat says:

    @22 – haven’t you heard the old saying “divide by bacon and conquer.”?

  26. seanmahair says:

    Oh I don’t know. I don’t think God will be interested in building another universe. After the mess humans have made of themselves and this planet if I were God I’d suggest to the wife that we just go dancing instead.

  27. 4of7 says:

    Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea.”
    Rev. 21:1

    Already in the works – I never like the sea very much anyway.

  28. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Charlton Heston led the Jews out of Egypt.

    …and right over to jpfo.org

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