Making Popular Video Game Series Non-Violent

Posted on February 21, 2013 1:00 pm

Instead of just going after guns to stop violence, some people are also targeting violent video games — the best kind of video games! It’s a War on Awesome.

Instead of despairing, though, I’ve come up with a few ideas on how to make non-violent versions of popular video game series.


Hitman: Now “Hugman.” Blend in with the crowd, sneak up on your target, and give him a big hug.

Call of Duty: Same title, but now it involves actually calling people to remind them of stuff they need to do. Call center simulation fun!

Assassin’s Creed: Now it’s “Santa’s Creed.” Clamber over rooftops to deliver presents to children.

Mortal Kombat: Still involves tearing people open, but now it’s a surgery simulator because what we’re really in Kombat with is Kancer.

Grand Theft Auto: It will get back to its root and be about stealing cars — with a new twist: You take the car to a garage, get it converted to a hybrid, and then return it to its owner.

Resident Evil: Oh no! A zombie outbreak! Time to teach them to dance thriller style!

Halo: The only way to settle an alien conflict is an extreme cooking competition. It’s the Master Chief to save the day again… or should we say “Master Chef.”

Metal Gear: Sneak around enemy territory, and if you’re spotted, blow your rape whistle so someone can come help you.

If any video game company wants help making these games, my price is one million dollars.

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7 Responses to “Making Popular Video Game Series Non-Violent”

  1. Jimmy says:

    “…my price is one million dollars.”

    Only if you integrate “lasers” somehow.

  2. FormerHostage says:

    Team Fortress 2 – teams now compete building snow forts.

  3. plentyobailouts says:

    “my price is one million dollars.” Racist

  4. Just Some Guy says:

    Saints Row: Instead of a street gang you play as an actual Saint and go around preaching at people
    Dead Space: Everyone is actually dead. Spend several minutes contemplating how much more peaceful space is without any people to contaminate it
    World of Arts and Crafts: Help the Orcs master macaroni art in time for their next get together with the Undead
    Super Mario Bureaucracy: Instead of fighting Bowser take him to court and get a restraining order

  5. silaS marreD says:

    That Halo mod probably wouldn’t turn out as non-violent as your thought. The Master Chief would probably use a cookbook called “How to Serve Man”.

  6. Son of Bob says:

    “Call of Duty: Same title, but now it involves actually calling people to remind them of stuff they need to do. Call center simulation fun!”

    Allo, mie naim is Ken. Tank yew faw calling Coll ob Dudy. How mae aye hep you today?

  7. FormerHostage says:

    the name is “Peggy”

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