Instead of just going after guns to stop violence, some people are also targeting violent video games — the best kind of video games! It’s a War on Awesome.
Instead of despairing, though, I’ve come up with a few ideas on how to make non-violent versions of popular video game series.
NON-VIOLENT VERSIONS OF POPULAR VIDEO GAME SERIES
Hitman: Now “Hugman.” Blend in with the crowd, sneak up on your target, and give him a big hug.
Call of Duty: Same title, but now it involves actually calling people to remind them of stuff they need to do. Call center simulation fun!
Assassin’s Creed: Now it’s “Santa’s Creed.” Clamber over rooftops to deliver presents to children.
Mortal Kombat: Still involves tearing people open, but now it’s a surgery simulator because what we’re really in Kombat with is Kancer.
Grand Theft Auto: It will get back to its root and be about stealing cars — with a new twist: You take the car to a garage, get it converted to a hybrid, and then return it to its owner.
Resident Evil: Oh no! A zombie outbreak! Time to teach them to dance thriller style!
Halo: The only way to settle an alien conflict is an extreme cooking competition. It’s the Master Chief to save the day again… or should we say “Master Chef.”
Metal Gear: Sneak around enemy territory, and if you’re spotted, blow your rape whistle so someone can come help you.
If any video game company wants help making these games, my price is one million dollars.