Scientists Declare Earth Uninhabitable

Scientists have redefined the “Goldilocks Zone” — the distance from a star where a planet would be “just right” and could conceivably have life on it. The problem is, with the new definition, Earth is no longer in the Goldilocks Zone. So I guess our planet is basically uninhabitable. I hope we have plans then to find and takeover one of the planets that actually are habitable. I mean, I have plans — with lots of cool drawings of us using lasers to shoot aliens.

I really should be Secretary of Defense.

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11 Comments

  1. Umm, I think they wrote “nearly” as in “new definition kicks the Earth’s orbit nearly out.” I guess somebody needed a headline; but it does bring the whole “global warming” thing into a new light. I want to call it “global thawing” since you see stories about glaciers retreating and revealing where villages had been; and the fact that Greenland’s name made sense when it was given.

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  2. First act as Secretary of Defense: rename the job title back to “Secretary of War” like it was until 1949.

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  3. “I mean, I have plans — with lots of cool drawings of us using lasers to shoot aliens.”

    Prove it! Show us the drawings!

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  4. They must have meant inhabitable by “intelligent life,” in which case watching just one hour of MSNBC can make one tend to agree.

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  5. @ 9. FredKey : Because they depend on grants from the government, so they are basically government employees!

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  6. It’s about time we get a Secretary of Defense that is willing to pursue important things like adding dinosaurs with rocket launchers to our arsenal.

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