Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…

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  1. …is to not NOT walk slowly with a pair of scissors, but to begin nancing around in a 1970’s fashion while singing “I Got Plenty of Nothin’.”

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  2. rodney dill says:
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:09 pm
    @zipity, #2

    …is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”

    …with an AK-47.

    And so God made a farmer…

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  3. .. is to make sure you have the dullest scissors you own, and then use the scissors to cut out a paper knife from the thinnest paper you have, then charge at the gunman with your newly made knife and hope for the best.

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  4. Walk in an orderly fashion to the 3D copier , make an AR-15, REGISTER it with the appropriate authorities, try to find ammo at the nearest outlet, declare yourself a liberal and shout “Comrade” before giving up.

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  5. …is to take his bullet and utter the dying words: “This will never happen again. We must do more. Now is the time. It’s time.”

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  6. … is to say “Look over there!” and then, while he’s distracted, change the Threat Level from orange to red.

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  7. …whatever you do, NEVER utter these words: “This here’s a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can blow your head clean off.”

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  8. …is to grab your Elmer’s Glue and vigorously squeeze the contents into the barrel of his gun, then wait for glue to set.

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  9. …is to “Stop, Drop, and Roll”. According to the NRA, the way to deal with a crazed gunman is to “Lock and Load”.

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  10. Recite the existing gun laws, emphasizing those he is violating.

    Call the police and hope for the best.

    Point to the “Gun Free Zone” sign.

    Ascertain if the gun wielder (gunman is sexist) is from a protected ethnic or social minority. If so, try to empathize according to the media-promoted archetypes: Latinos are often upset over immigration, Blacks about the prejudice of high society and slavery; etc.
    If the gunman is white – he is obviously a right-wing gun-nut and you should run and hide. He has a military-style assault-weapon, and even the police will be helpless against that kind of armaments.

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  11. …is for the President to fly back from Hawaaii, give a speech or two, appoint a commission of cronies, and then return to Hawaii.

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  12. Point over his shoulder at the “Gun Free Zone” sign and hold your hand out until he complies with the statute.

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  13. …always be standing behind Michael Moore, Chris Christie or, safest of all, Mochelle’s giant keister.

    …is to act like a gun.

    …is to clamshell package yourself and hang out at Frank’s house.

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  14. … is to escort him to a nice safe place, counsel him about his workplace violence, give him three square meals a day, and allow him to grow a beard, defying a judge’s order and delaying the trial.

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  15. …is to hide behind Janet Napolitano. She provides sufficient cover for yourself and your entire family. Also your dogs and cats. And up to three horses.

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  16. …is to threaten him with nail clippers which DHS has determined are capable of bringing down commercial aircraft.

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  17. …is to keep a line of bath salts on your desk and be ready to eat face and take names.

    …outfit your secretary with a bullet proof skirt and roller skates.

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  18. …is to take up scrap booking.

    …is to make paper dolls.

    …is to clip coupons good for 1 free invisibility cloak.

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  19. Don’t try to fix the cracks! Repairs will reduce the value of these Objects d’Art. Antiques Roadshow, S3E9

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  20. … is to say, “Don’t do it! It’s Bush’s fault, I swear!”, then run out of the room screaming.

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  21. . . . is to notify him that if he is an Illegal Alien, then this could adversely affect his chance of becoming a citizen.

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  22. … Tax the rich and give him free health care

    … Is to Institute statism

    … Is to disarm all his victims… The less people resist the sooner the gunman will get his fill of murder and mayhem, leave and get back to spending his government handouts

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  23. …make sure his ammo in not of a caliber that might constitute a choking hazard and issue a recall if needed.

    …well that depends on what your bookie says when you call and ask what the over/under is on the ensuing mass shooting.

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  24. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is wet your pants, hide, cry out to Allah, God, Buddah or whatever deity you believe will respond, but DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT USING A GUN TO DEFEND YOURSELF!

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  25. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wait four years until his term expires.

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  26. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.

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  27. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.

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  28. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wrap your feet and and hands with DHS-approved duct tape, then lay atop your DHS-approved plastic sheeting.

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  29. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is yell, “He’s got an iPad!”, then watch as TSA inspectors appear out of nowhere to steal it.

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  30. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is prosecute the gunman’s doctor for not reporting that his patient owns a gun.

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  31. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to make him feel good about himself by reminding him that he qualifies for free Prozac and birth control under the Affordable Care Act.

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  32. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…would be to remain hopeful that he shoots as well as the president.

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  33. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to warn him that you’ve called the police and they’ll be there in 97 minutes.

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  34. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to guarantee your safety by shouting, “I didn’t vote for that bastard either!”

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  35. …. is to cover your face and say, “You can’t see me!”

    … is to shout, “Biff! What the Hell is that!?”

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  36. …get on your knees and plead, “I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!” -then take off your sunglasses and look them in the eye.

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  37. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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