Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…

Posted on February 5, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…

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90 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…”

  1. zipity says: to die.

  2. zipity says:

    …is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”

  3. zipity says:

    “…is to bend over, and kiss your ass good-bye”

  4. zipity says:

    “is to ask youself, What Would Joe Biden do? And then say something incredibly stupid…”

  5. rodney dill says:

    …point at the nearest liberal… scream “ZOMBIE”, then run the other way.

  6. rodney dill says:

    ….ask them the airspeed of a unladen swallow.

  7. rodney dill says:

    …wear a “Gun Free Zone” T-shirt.

  8. rodney dill says:

    @zipity, #2

    …is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”

    …with an AK-47.

  9. Jimmy says:

    …is to not NOT walk slowly with a pair of scissors, but to begin nancing around in a 1970’s fashion while singing “I Got Plenty of Nothin’.”

  10. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . is to force him to go through the line for the scanner at an airport.

  11. Apostic says:

    rodney dill says:
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:09 pm
    @zipity, #2

    …is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”

    …with an AK-47.

    And so God made a farmer…

  12. srm000 says:

    .. is to make sure you have the dullest scissors you own, and then use the scissors to cut out a paper knife from the thinnest paper you have, then charge at the gunman with your newly made knife and hope for the best.

  13. Apostic says:

    …is to submit him to a Universal Background Check.

  14. srm000 says:

    … ignore it and maybe it will go away.

  15. Oppo says:

    …is to release a photo of him, with a warning not to photoshop it.

  16. Apostic says: to hold him off with a banana.

  17. Doug says:

    Concealed Carry Scissors.

  18. Doc says:

    Walk in an orderly fashion to the 3D copier , make an AR-15, REGISTER it with the appropriate authorities, try to find ammo at the nearest outlet, declare yourself a liberal and shout “Comrade” before giving up.

  19. Jimmy says:

    …is to invoke an Obama: bow to him, hate America and blame society.

  20. Jimmy says:

    …is to take his bullet and utter the dying words: “This will never happen again. We must do more. Now is the time. It’s time.”

  21. Jimmy says:

    …is to blame gun laws in neighboring states.

  22. Raving Lunatic says:

    …is to relax. He only has a seven round magazine. It’s all good.

  23. Oppo says:

    … is to say “Look over there!” and then, while he’s distracted, change the Threat Level from orange to red.

  24. rodney dill says:

    @Apostic #11, …that was outstanding in his field.

  25. rodney dill says:

    …hope Dean Winters falls onto the gunman’s head from somewhere.

  26. Jimmy says:

    …whatever you do, NEVER utter these words: “This here’s a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can blow your head clean off.”

  27. Steve says:

    …is to grab your Elmer’s Glue and vigorously squeeze the contents into the barrel of his gun, then wait for glue to set.

  28. Jimmy says:

    …is to pretend you’re British, grin and say to him, “Have a lovely day!”

  29. James says:

    . . . ask him if he is registered to vote yet.

  30. CTCompromise says:

    @27. Steve: I would use crazy glue !

  31. CTCompromise says:

    ….is to have “an open an frank discussion” with him.

  32. jw says:

    “…crazed gunman…” why that”s so insensitive. you apologize right now!

  33. Jimmy says:

    …is to try complimenting the gunman by saying, “Say, that’s a n i c e gun.”

  34. CTCompromise says:

    …is to go after every gun owner, so as not to single one out as “crazed”.

  35. CTCompromise says:

    …is to “Stop, Drop, and Roll”. According to the NRA, the way to deal with a crazed gunman is to “Lock and Load”.

  36. Oppo says:

    … is to inform him that you are feeling lucky, and you think he fired six shots.

  37. Mrs. Campbell says:

    Recite the existing gun laws, emphasizing those he is violating.

    Call the police and hope for the best.

    Point to the “Gun Free Zone” sign.

    Ascertain if the gun wielder (gunman is sexist) is from a protected ethnic or social minority. If so, try to empathize according to the media-promoted archetypes: Latinos are often upset over immigration, Blacks about the prejudice of high society and slavery; etc.
    If the gunman is white – he is obviously a right-wing gun-nut and you should run and hide. He has a military-style assault-weapon, and even the police will be helpless against that kind of armaments.

  38. CTCompromise says:

    …”Throw out your hands
    Stick out your tush
    Hands on your hips
    Give them a push.”

  39. Jimmy says:

    …is to calmly say to him, “Here, give me the gun. I’d rather shoot myself.”

  40. CTCompromise says:

    …is for the President to fly back from Hawaaii, give a speech or two, appoint a commission of cronies, and then return to Hawaii.

  41. CTCompromise says:

    is to always have Yoko Ono songs on your ipod…even a crazed gunman will go running away from that !

  42. tomg51 says: to have the FBI storm the place.

    (if only I had this option!)

  43. rodney dill says:

    @CTCompromise, #38, – You’ll be surprised. You’re doing the French Mistake! Voila!

  44. rodney dill says:

    …tell ’em ‘Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.’

  45. gsmtiger says:

    …is to walk at him, and then ask his permission to stab him with scissors.

  46. gsmtiger says:

    …is to wear a “Obama says you’re not alowed to do that!” t-shirt.

  47. Cosmo says:

    Point over his shoulder at the “Gun Free Zone” sign and hold your hand out until he complies with the statute.

  48. Dohtimes says:

    …always be standing behind Michael Moore, Chris Christie or, safest of all, Mochelle’s giant keister.

    …is to act like a gun.

    …is to clamshell package yourself and hang out at Frank’s house.

  49. Oppo says:

    … is to escort him to a nice safe place, counsel him about his workplace violence, give him three square meals a day, and allow him to grow a beard, defying a judge’s order and delaying the trial.

  50. Oppo says:

    … is to remind him that Big Scissor’s watching.

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