Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…
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February 5th, 2013 at 12:03 pm
..is to die.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:03 pm
…is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:04 pm
“…is to bend over, and kiss your ass good-bye”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:05 pm
“is to ask youself, What Would Joe Biden do? And then say something incredibly stupid…”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
…point at the nearest liberal… scream “ZOMBIE”, then run the other way.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:07 pm
….ask them the airspeed of a unladen swallow.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:08 pm
…wear a “Gun Free Zone” T-shirt.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:09 pm
@zipity, #2
…with an AK-47.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
…is to not NOT walk slowly with a pair of scissors, but to begin nancing around in a 1970′s fashion while singing “I Got Plenty of Nothin’.”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
. . . is to force him to go through the line for the scanner at an airport.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
February 5th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
.. is to make sure you have the dullest scissors you own, and then use the scissors to cut out a paper knife from the thinnest paper you have, then charge at the gunman with your newly made knife and hope for the best.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:12 pm
…is to submit him to a Universal Background Check.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:14 pm
… ignore it and maybe it will go away.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
…is to release a photo of him, with a warning not to photoshop it.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:16 pm
..is to hold him off with a banana.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:17 pm
Concealed Carry Scissors.
Honest!!
February 5th, 2013 at 12:18 pm
Walk in an orderly fashion to the 3D copier , make an AR-15, REGISTER it with the appropriate authorities, try to find ammo at the nearest outlet, declare yourself a liberal and shout “Comrade” before giving up.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:18 pm
…is to invoke an Obama: bow to him, hate America and blame society.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:20 pm
…is to take his bullet and utter the dying words: “This will never happen again. We must do more. Now is the time. It’s time.”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:23 pm
…is to blame gun laws in neighboring states.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:24 pm
…is to relax. He only has a seven round magazine. It’s all good.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:25 pm
… is to say “Look over there!” and then, while he’s distracted, change the Threat Level from orange to red.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:25 pm
@Apostic #11, …that was outstanding in his field.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:27 pm
…hope Dean Winters falls onto the gunman’s head from somewhere.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:27 pm
…whatever you do, NEVER utter these words: “This here’s a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can blow your head clean off.”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
…is to grab your Elmer’s Glue and vigorously squeeze the contents into the barrel of his gun, then wait for glue to set.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:32 pm
…is to pretend you’re British, grin and say to him, “Have a lovely day!”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:33 pm
. . . ask him if he is registered to vote yet.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:35 pm
@27. Steve: I would use crazy glue !
February 5th, 2013 at 12:35 pm
….is to have “an open an frank discussion” with him.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:36 pm
“…crazed gunman…” why that”s so insensitive. you apologize right now!
February 5th, 2013 at 12:36 pm
…is to try complimenting the gunman by saying, “Say, that’s a n i c e gun.”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:37 pm
…is to go after every gun owner, so as not to single one out as “crazed”.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:39 pm
…is to “Stop, Drop, and Roll”. According to the NRA, the way to deal with a crazed gunman is to “Lock and Load”.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:40 pm
… is to inform him that you are feeling lucky, and you think he fired six shots.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:47 pm
Recite the existing gun laws, emphasizing those he is violating.
Call the police and hope for the best.
Point to the “Gun Free Zone” sign.
Ascertain if the gun wielder (gunman is sexist) is from a protected ethnic or social minority. If so, try to empathize according to the media-promoted archetypes: Latinos are often upset over immigration, Blacks about the prejudice of high society and slavery; etc.
If the gunman is white – he is obviously a right-wing gun-nut and you should run and hide. He has a military-style assault-weapon, and even the police will be helpless against that kind of armaments.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:48 pm
…”Throw out your hands
Stick out your tush
Hands on your hips
Give them a push.”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:52 pm
…is to calmly say to him, “Here, give me the gun. I’d rather shoot myself.”
February 5th, 2013 at 12:56 pm
…is for the President to fly back from Hawaaii, give a speech or two, appoint a commission of cronies, and then return to Hawaii.
February 5th, 2013 at 12:57 pm
is to always have Yoko Ono songs on your ipod…even a crazed gunman will go running away from that !
February 5th, 2013 at 12:58 pm
..is to have the FBI storm the place.
(if only I had this option!)
February 5th, 2013 at 1:01 pm
@CTCompromise, #38, – You’ll be surprised. You’re doing the French Mistake! Voila!
February 5th, 2013 at 1:03 pm
…tell ‘em ‘Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.’
February 5th, 2013 at 1:12 pm
…is to walk at him, and then ask his permission to stab him with scissors.
February 5th, 2013 at 1:12 pm
…is to wear a “Obama says you’re not alowed to do that!” t-shirt.
February 5th, 2013 at 1:18 pm
Point over his shoulder at the “Gun Free Zone” sign and hold your hand out until he complies with the statute.
February 5th, 2013 at 1:29 pm
…always be standing behind Michael Moore, Chris Christie or, safest of all, Mochelle’s giant keister.
…is to act like a gun.
…is to clamshell package yourself and hang out at Frank’s house.
February 5th, 2013 at 1:31 pm
… is to escort him to a nice safe place, counsel him about his workplace violence, give him three square meals a day, and allow him to grow a beard, defying a judge’s order and delaying the trial.
February 5th, 2013 at 1:39 pm
… is to remind him that Big Scissor’s watching.
February 5th, 2013 at 2:11 pm
..point your finger at him and yell “bang!”
February 5th, 2013 at 2:12 pm
…is to hide behind Janet Napolitano. She provides sufficient cover for yourself and your entire family. Also your dogs and cats. And up to three horses.
February 5th, 2013 at 2:24 pm
…stick your finger in the barrel, pull out a carrot, and say, “Eh, what’s up, doc?”
February 5th, 2013 at 2:31 pm
…is to threaten him with nail clippers which DHS has determined are capable of bringing down commercial aircraft.
February 5th, 2013 at 2:37 pm
…is to keep a line of bath salts on your desk and be ready to eat face and take names.
…outfit your secretary with a bullet proof skirt and roller skates.
February 5th, 2013 at 2:44 pm
…is to take up scrap booking.
…is to make paper dolls.
…is to clip coupons good for 1 free invisibility cloak.
February 5th, 2013 at 2:44 pm
Don’t try to fix the cracks! Repairs will reduce the value of these Objects d’Art. Antiques Roadshow, S3E9
February 5th, 2013 at 2:52 pm
…point at him, yell “RACIST,” and wait for the anvil of liberal smugness to come crashing on his head.
February 5th, 2013 at 2:52 pm
…say, “Hey buddy! I think there’s a grade school over there (pointing).”
February 5th, 2013 at 3:06 pm
… is to say, “Don’t do it! It’s Bush’s fault, I swear!”, then run out of the room screaming.
February 5th, 2013 at 3:17 pm
…submit a request for added security from the State dept several months in advance.
February 5th, 2013 at 4:32 pm
. . . is to notify him that if he is an Illegal Alien, then this could adversely affect his chance of becoming a citizen.
February 5th, 2013 at 4:36 pm
… Tax the rich and give him free health care
… Is to Institute statism
… Is to disarm all his victims… The less people resist the sooner the gunman will get his fill of murder and mayhem, leave and get back to spending his government handouts
February 5th, 2013 at 5:04 pm
Threaten to vote only for candidates with a 100% rating from the NRA and a 0% rating from the Brady Campaign.
February 5th, 2013 at 5:08 pm
. . . is to repeal the Second Amendment. All gunmen are crazed.
February 5th, 2013 at 5:15 pm
…is to be thankful that at least YOU obeyed the law!
February 5th, 2013 at 5:34 pm
…make sure his ammo in not of a caliber that might constitute a choking hazard and issue a recall if needed.
…well that depends on what your bookie says when you call and ask what the over/under is on the ensuing mass shooting.
February 5th, 2013 at 7:55 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is wet your pants, hide, cry out to Allah, God, Buddah or whatever deity you believe will respond, but DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT USING A GUN TO DEFEND YOURSELF!
February 5th, 2013 at 7:57 pm
… is to inform him that he’s in a gun-free zone. That problem will be gone forever!
February 5th, 2013 at 7:57 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wait four years until his term expires.
February 5th, 2013 at 7:58 pm
…. is to give him directions back to his neighborhood in Chicago
February 5th, 2013 at 7:58 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.
February 5th, 2013 at 7:58 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:06 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wrap your feet and and hands with DHS-approved duct tape, then lay atop your DHS-approved plastic sheeting.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:08 pm
Play dead? It work against bears.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:09 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is yell, “He’s got an iPad!”, then watch as TSA inspectors appear out of nowhere to steal it.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:11 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is prosecute the gunman’s doctor for not reporting that his patient owns a gun.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:14 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to make him feel good about himself by reminding him that he qualifies for free Prozac and birth control under the Affordable Care Act.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:16 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…would be to remain hopeful that he shoots as well as the president.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:20 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to warn him that you’ve called the police and they’ll be there in 97 minutes.
February 5th, 2013 at 8:24 pm
According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to guarantee your safety by shouting, “I didn’t vote for that bastard either!”
February 5th, 2013 at 8:42 pm
…. is to cover your face and say, “You can’t see me!”
… is to shout, “Biff! What the Hell is that!?”
February 5th, 2013 at 8:45 pm
… is inform him that you’re a top diplomat and therefore untouchable
February 5th, 2013 at 9:36 pm
Give him an ATF badge and send him to Mexico.
February 6th, 2013 at 1:04 am
…get on your knees and plead, “I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!” -then take off your sunglasses and look them in the eye.
February 6th, 2013 at 7:34 am
…get out your official signed photo of our Dear Leader and tell him “we’re all in this together, baby”. That for sure will calm him down.
February 6th, 2013 at 7:57 am
@Bob in Feenicks #85 – Oh Crap, wish I would’ve thought of that one.
February 6th, 2013 at 12:49 pm
…you look Obama in the eye and say- Don’t skeet shoot me bro.
February 6th, 2013 at 12:50 pm
…you make him wade through a hundred or so comments before he picks his victim.
February 6th, 2013 at 5:06 pm
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