Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…

Posted on February 5, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…

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90 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…”

  1. zipity says:

    ..is to die.

  2. zipity says:

    …is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”

  3. zipity says:

    “…is to bend over, and kiss your ass good-bye”

  4. zipity says:

    “is to ask youself, What Would Joe Biden do? And then say something incredibly stupid…”

  5. rodney dill says:

    …point at the nearest liberal… scream “ZOMBIE”, then run the other way.

  6. rodney dill says:

    ….ask them the airspeed of a unladen swallow.

  7. rodney dill says:

    …wear a “Gun Free Zone” T-shirt.

  8. rodney dill says:

    @zipity, #2

    …is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”

    …with an AK-47.

  9. Jimmy says:

    …is to not NOT walk slowly with a pair of scissors, but to begin nancing around in a 1970’s fashion while singing “I Got Plenty of Nothin’.”

  10. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . is to force him to go through the line for the scanner at an airport.

  11. Apostic says:

    rodney dill says:
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:09 pm
    @zipity, #2

    …is to sing”Like A Good Neighbor, StateFarm is There©…”

    …with an AK-47.

    And so God made a farmer…

  12. srm000 says:

    .. is to make sure you have the dullest scissors you own, and then use the scissors to cut out a paper knife from the thinnest paper you have, then charge at the gunman with your newly made knife and hope for the best.

  13. Apostic says:

    …is to submit him to a Universal Background Check.

  14. srm000 says:

    … ignore it and maybe it will go away.

  15. Oppo says:

    …is to release a photo of him, with a warning not to photoshop it.

  16. Apostic says:

    ..is to hold him off with a banana.

  17. Doug says:

    Concealed Carry Scissors.
    Honest!!

  18. Doc says:

    Walk in an orderly fashion to the 3D copier , make an AR-15, REGISTER it with the appropriate authorities, try to find ammo at the nearest outlet, declare yourself a liberal and shout “Comrade” before giving up.

  19. Jimmy says:

    …is to invoke an Obama: bow to him, hate America and blame society.

  20. Jimmy says:

    …is to take his bullet and utter the dying words: “This will never happen again. We must do more. Now is the time. It’s time.”

  21. Jimmy says:

    …is to blame gun laws in neighboring states.

  22. Raving Lunatic says:

    …is to relax. He only has a seven round magazine. It’s all good.

  23. Oppo says:

    … is to say “Look over there!” and then, while he’s distracted, change the Threat Level from orange to red.

  24. rodney dill says:

    @Apostic #11, …that was outstanding in his field.

  25. rodney dill says:

    …hope Dean Winters falls onto the gunman’s head from somewhere.

  26. Jimmy says:

    …whatever you do, NEVER utter these words: “This here’s a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can blow your head clean off.”

  27. Steve says:

    …is to grab your Elmer’s Glue and vigorously squeeze the contents into the barrel of his gun, then wait for glue to set.

  28. Jimmy says:

    …is to pretend you’re British, grin and say to him, “Have a lovely day!”

  29. James says:

    . . . ask him if he is registered to vote yet.

  30. CTCompromise says:

    @27. Steve: I would use crazy glue !

  31. CTCompromise says:

    ….is to have “an open an frank discussion” with him.

  32. jw says:

    “…crazed gunman…” why that”s so insensitive. you apologize right now!

  33. Jimmy says:

    …is to try complimenting the gunman by saying, “Say, that’s a n i c e gun.”

  34. CTCompromise says:

    …is to go after every gun owner, so as not to single one out as “crazed”.

  35. CTCompromise says:

    …is to “Stop, Drop, and Roll”. According to the NRA, the way to deal with a crazed gunman is to “Lock and Load”.

  36. Oppo says:

    … is to inform him that you are feeling lucky, and you think he fired six shots.

  37. Mrs. Campbell says:

    Recite the existing gun laws, emphasizing those he is violating.

    Call the police and hope for the best.

    Point to the “Gun Free Zone” sign.

    Ascertain if the gun wielder (gunman is sexist) is from a protected ethnic or social minority. If so, try to empathize according to the media-promoted archetypes: Latinos are often upset over immigration, Blacks about the prejudice of high society and slavery; etc.
    If the gunman is white – he is obviously a right-wing gun-nut and you should run and hide. He has a military-style assault-weapon, and even the police will be helpless against that kind of armaments.

  38. CTCompromise says:

    …”Throw out your hands
    Stick out your tush
    Hands on your hips
    Give them a push.”

  39. Jimmy says:

    …is to calmly say to him, “Here, give me the gun. I’d rather shoot myself.”

  40. CTCompromise says:

    …is for the President to fly back from Hawaaii, give a speech or two, appoint a commission of cronies, and then return to Hawaii.

  41. CTCompromise says:

    is to always have Yoko Ono songs on your ipod…even a crazed gunman will go running away from that !

  42. tomg51 says:

    ..is to have the FBI storm the place.

    (if only I had this option!)

  43. rodney dill says:

    @CTCompromise, #38, – You’ll be surprised. You’re doing the French Mistake! Voila!

  44. rodney dill says:

    …tell ‘em ‘Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.’

  45. gsmtiger says:

    …is to walk at him, and then ask his permission to stab him with scissors.

  46. gsmtiger says:

    …is to wear a “Obama says you’re not alowed to do that!” t-shirt.

  47. Cosmo says:

    Point over his shoulder at the “Gun Free Zone” sign and hold your hand out until he complies with the statute.

  48. Dohtimes says:

    …always be standing behind Michael Moore, Chris Christie or, safest of all, Mochelle’s giant keister.

    …is to act like a gun.

    …is to clamshell package yourself and hang out at Frank’s house.

  49. Oppo says:

    … is to escort him to a nice safe place, counsel him about his workplace violence, give him three square meals a day, and allow him to grow a beard, defying a judge’s order and delaying the trial.

  50. Oppo says:

    … is to remind him that Big Scissor’s watching.

  51. spacemonkey says:

    ..point your finger at him and yell “bang!”

  52. DamnCat says:

    …is to hide behind Janet Napolitano. She provides sufficient cover for yourself and your entire family. Also your dogs and cats. And up to three horses.

  53. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …stick your finger in the barrel, pull out a carrot, and say, “Eh, what’s up, doc?”

  54. DamnCat says:

    …is to threaten him with nail clippers which DHS has determined are capable of bringing down commercial aircraft.

  55. Dohtimes says:

    …is to keep a line of bath salts on your desk and be ready to eat face and take names.

    …outfit your secretary with a bullet proof skirt and roller skates.

  56. Conservatarian says:

    …is to take up scrap booking.

    …is to make paper dolls.

    …is to clip coupons good for 1 free invisibility cloak.

  57. tomg51 says:

    Don’t try to fix the cracks! Repairs will reduce the value of these Objects d’Art. Antiques Roadshow, S3E9

  58. rodney dill says:

    …point at him, yell “RACIST,” and wait for the anvil of liberal smugness to come crashing on his head.

  59. rodney dill says:

    …say, “Hey buddy! I think there’s a grade school over there (pointing).”

  60. srm000 says:

    … is to say, “Don’t do it! It’s Bush’s fault, I swear!”, then run out of the room screaming.

  61. Tau Dades says:

    …submit a request for added security from the State dept several months in advance.

  62. Writer says:

    . . . is to notify him that if he is an Illegal Alien, then this could adversely affect his chance of becoming a citizen.

  63. blarg says:

    … Tax the rich and give him free health care

    … Is to Institute statism

    … Is to disarm all his victims… The less people resist the sooner the gunman will get his fill of murder and mayhem, leave and get back to spending his government handouts

  64. Nate says:

    Threaten to vote only for candidates with a 100% rating from the NRA and a 0% rating from the Brady Campaign.

  65. Crabby Old Bat says:

    . . . is to repeal the Second Amendment. All gunmen are crazed.

  66. FormerHostage says:

    …is to be thankful that at least YOU obeyed the law!

  67. Dohtimes says:

    …make sure his ammo in not of a caliber that might constitute a choking hazard and issue a recall if needed.

    …well that depends on what your bookie says when you call and ask what the over/under is on the ensuing mass shooting.

  68. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is wet your pants, hide, cry out to Allah, God, Buddah or whatever deity you believe will respond, but DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT USING A GUN TO DEFEND YOURSELF!

  69. CarolyntheMommy says:

    … is to inform him that he’s in a gun-free zone. That problem will be gone forever!

  70. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wait four years until his term expires.

  71. CarolyntheMommy says:

    …. is to give him directions back to his neighborhood in Chicago

  72. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.

  73. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.

  74. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wrap your feet and and hands with DHS-approved duct tape, then lay atop your DHS-approved plastic sheeting.

  75. Corsair says:

    Play dead? It work against bears.

  76. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is yell, “He’s got an iPad!”, then watch as TSA inspectors appear out of nowhere to steal it.

  77. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is prosecute the gunman’s doctor for not reporting that his patient owns a gun.

  78. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to make him feel good about himself by reminding him that he qualifies for free Prozac and birth control under the Affordable Care Act.

  79. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…would be to remain hopeful that he shoots as well as the president.

  80. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to warn him that you’ve called the police and they’ll be there in 97 minutes.

  81. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to guarantee your safety by shouting, “I didn’t vote for that bastard either!”

  82. CarolyntheMommy says:

    …. is to cover your face and say, “You can’t see me!”

    … is to shout, “Biff! What the Hell is that!?”

  83. CarolyntheMommy says:

    … is inform him that you’re a top diplomat and therefore untouchable

  84. SOYLENT GREEN says:

    Give him an ATF badge and send him to Mexico.

  85. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …get on your knees and plead, “I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!” -then take off your sunglasses and look them in the eye.

  86. seanmahair says:

    …get out your official signed photo of our Dear Leader and tell him “we’re all in this together, baby”. That for sure will calm him down.

  87. rodney dill says:

    @Bob in Feenicks #85 – Oh Crap, wish I would’ve thought of that one.

  88. Dohtimes says:

    …you look Obama in the eye and say- Don’t skeet shoot me bro.

  89. Dohtimes says:

    …you make him wade through a hundred or so comments before he picks his victim.

  90. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    [...] Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…” [...]

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