Straight Line of the Day: As Part of the Plan to Boost CNN’s Ratings…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…

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  1. …two words: Naked News.

    …they plan on advertising in the New York Times, Newsweek, and Time magazine.

    …they bought the rights to “The Biggest Loser.”

    …they will let the audience choose the ending of a news story by calling an 800 number.

    …they will start showing a burning log in a fireplace 24-7.

    …they’ll just start misrepresenting the Neilson ratings the way they currently do the economic statistics.

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  2. …the new prime time pairing of Honey Boo Boo and Anderson go poo poo.

    …borrowing the Couric FannyCam and broadcasting Ted Nugent passing a golf ball sized stone, or even just a golf ball.

    …the cooking segments will all feature grilling Conservatives.

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  3. …the “shock collar of accidentally telling the truth!!!”

    …weather reports replaced with the thrill up Chris Matthews Leg meter via hidden camera at MSNBC.

    …we get the Brownest Nose contest included with the What The Obamas Ate Today segment.

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  4. ….they threatened to make anyone who watched CNN listen to Yoko Ono “singing.
    This was incredibly unsuccessful. So they came up with another plan, which they called “The Other Plan”, in which they bought ads on Fox News with Yoko Ono “singing” while a banner scrolled on the bottom of the screen announcing: If you were watching CNN now, this pain would cease. It did, in fact, boost their ratings until people realized they had to listen to Maddow, Matthews, Morgan and the rest drone on..and on..and on….

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  5. …Manti Te’o’s girlfriend will occasionally read he scroll at bottom of broadcast to Manti Te’o.

    …Will hire Geraldo Rivera to do special on foxhole found with an atheist in it.

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  6. …. Both fans of Piers Morgan will stop playing video games in their mothers’ basements and tune in to watch.

    …. New show: Sumo wrestling with Candy Crowley!

    …. they’ll edit the ratings reports like NBC edits tape

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  7. …hourly ratings reports with anchors holding loaded handguns.

    …they will stop fighting stalking charges against Anderson Cooper whenever he gets a viewer.

    …they will move studio to extinct volcano core and question guests while laser beam tracks ever closer to their groins.

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