Straight Line of the Day: As Part of the Plan to Boost CNN’s Ratings…

Posted on February 1, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…

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57 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: As Part of the Plan to Boost CNN’s Ratings…”

  1. g says:

    … Hiring master of fiction Stephen King to write their stories, JJ Abrams to direct

  2. artvol11 says:

    …they replaced Piers Morgan with Alex Jones (no further commentary required)

  3. Carpenter says:

    …they are hiring MORE Gay activists, MORE Anti-Christian crusaders and a few more RINO’s to work with Joe Scarborough.

  4. srm000 says:

    …started writing lies about Obama, but they are better than the truth.

  5. Willie says:

    Soledad is spanish for – solitude. Oops……bye, bye Ms. Soledad O’Brien.

  6. DamnCat says:

    …they’re showing reruns of “Diff’rent Strokes”.

  7. Mrs. Campbell says:

    They will start running re-runs from the Carter Administration and hope for such a good economy themselves.

    They’ve announced a new call-in show, “What can you blame on the GOP?”

    They are going to introduce HBO-levels of nudity and profanity.

  8. Anchorman says:

    …they’re going to have a single camera focused on a TV with Fox News and just play the live feed.

  9. DamnCat says:

    …they’ve replaced all their shows with LOLCats.

  10. gsmtiger says:

    …Obama will be proposing a new “CNNcare” bill, which will amndate that all Americans watch CNN on a daily basis.

  11. rodney dill says:

    …They’re showing videos of a monkey washing a cat.

  12. rodney dill says:

    they will have more guest editorials from Joe Biden.

  13. Jimmy says:

    CNN? Never heard of it.

  14. calcpa says:

    They decided to become a news channel.

  15. Son of Bob says:

    …they’ve hired a large ugly woman with a huge butt and “toned arms,” because everyone they know keeps talking about how attractive that is.

  16. Doug says:

    As Part of the Plan to Boost CNN’s Ratings… they plan on discontinuing all programming and transmissions.

  17. Eric Praline says:

    …Peirs Morgan’s head will be exploded at a random moment.
    …Anderson Cooper will do his show in full drag.

  18. rodney dill says:

    …at random intervals bulls will be stampeded across the set.

  19. FormerHostage says:

    …two words: Naked News.

    …they plan on advertising in the New York Times, Newsweek, and Time magazine.

    …they bought the rights to “The Biggest Loser.”

    …they will let the audience choose the ending of a news story by calling an 800 number.

    …they will start showing a burning log in a fireplace 24-7.

    …they’ll just start misrepresenting the Neilson ratings the way they currently do the economic statistics.

  20. jw says:

    everyone is fired

  21. shane says:

    … all on air personalities will wear a paper bag over their heads at all times … Anderson Cooper’s will be plastic…

  22. James says:

    . . . they will stop paying the utility bills for the transmitter.

  23. Eric Praline says:

    …viewers can vote online to see their favorite anchor waterboarded.

  24. plentyobailouts says:

    As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…they will pander to the mentally ill by having Garret Morris in the corner screaming in mexican.

  25. rodney dill says:

    …they’ll take the “C” out of “truck,” and the “F” out of “way.”

  26. rodney dill says:

    …instead of a monkey, they’ll send Candy Crowley into outerspace.

  27. Apostic says:

    …they will replace regular programming with a test pattern.

  28. FormerHostage says:

    …rename from CNN to IMAO.

    (Obligatory suck up entry)

  29. FormerHostage says:

    …guest panels will have to run a “Chinese Fire Drill” right after coming back from a break.

  30. Apostic says:

    …they will replace regular programming with speeded up footage of two fat men in tuxedos & tails playing ping pong. (h/t Woody Allen — back when he was funny….)

  31. Raving Lunatic says:

    Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats

  32. AwesometificAmerican says:

    Just run Fox News programs but photoshop CNN logos over everything.

  33. Son of Bob says:

    I can’t say much as it’s still company classified, but what I can release is that it involves the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”

  34. rodney dill says:

    two words…. Swamp People.

  35. DamnCat says:

    …they will add a new round table show featuring Cousin Oliver, Andy Keaton, and Scrappy Doo.

  36. Tau Dades says:

    Piers Morgan will start wearing makeup and juggling on air. Might as well fully embrace his on air persona.

  37. Apostic says:

    New show idea: Stump Piers Morgan. Will feature cast from the series American Chainsaw.

  38. Dohtimes says:

    …the new prime time pairing of Honey Boo Boo and Anderson go poo poo.

    …borrowing the Couric FannyCam and broadcasting Ted Nugent passing a golf ball sized stone, or even just a golf ball.

    …the cooking segments will all feature grilling Conservatives.

  39. Dohtimes says:

    …the “shock collar of accidentally telling the truth!!!”

    …weather reports replaced with the thrill up Chris Matthews Leg meter via hidden camera at MSNBC.

    …we get the Brownest Nose contest included with the What The Obamas Ate Today segment.

  40. Cliff says:

    Anderson Cooper french kisses Elton John

  41. DrRiff says:

    As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…they will copy the business and broadcast plan of MSNBC (that ought to work, right?).

  42. Writer says:

    The Administration has agreed to pull all of the Licenses to FOX stations and every station carrying Rush Limbaugh.

    If that is not suffiient, the Mainstream alphabets are next.

  43. CTCompromise says:

    …they will be providing free cable TV to every household in Palestein, Iran, Pakistan and Libya.

  44. CTCompromise says:

    …Obama signed an executive order that all White House press conferences can only air on CNN.

  45. CTCompromise says:

    ….they threatened to make anyone who watched CNN listen to Yoko Ono “singing.
    This was incredibly unsuccessful. So they came up with another plan, which they called “The Other Plan”, in which they bought ads on Fox News with Yoko Ono “singing” while a banner scrolled on the bottom of the screen announcing: If you were watching CNN now, this pain would cease. It did, in fact, boost their ratings until people realized they had to listen to Maddow, Matthews, Morgan and the rest drone on..and on..and on….

  46. Writer says:

    They gained exclusive Rights as Speech Writers for the Osama administration.

  47. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …they will start airing CNN in unemployment offices, which could either increase their current viewership, or lower new unemployment claims.

  48. Dohtimes says:

    …Manti Te’o’s girlfriend will occasionally read he scroll at bottom of broadcast to Manti Te’o.

    …Will hire Geraldo Rivera to do special on foxhole found with an atheist in it.

  49. GrandLarsenE says:

    New show: “Stick Quiz”. Contestants are asked a trivia question and if they get it wrong, they are hit with a stick.

  50. Oppo says:

    .. they will report that their ratings have tripled. Oh, you mean their actual ratings? It’s already been reported as tripled — so what, at this late date, does it matter?

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