Straight Line of the Day: As Part of the Plan to Boost CNN’s Ratings…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…
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February 1st, 2013 at 12:04 pm
… Hiring master of fiction Stephen King to write their stories, JJ Abrams to direct
February 1st, 2013 at 12:10 pm
…they replaced Piers Morgan with Alex Jones (no further commentary required)
February 1st, 2013 at 12:13 pm
…they are hiring MORE Gay activists, MORE Anti-Christian crusaders and a few more RINO’s to work with Joe Scarborough.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:15 pm
…started writing lies about Obama, but they are better than the truth.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:15 pm
Soledad is spanish for – solitude. Oops……bye, bye Ms. Soledad O’Brien.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:16 pm
…they’re showing reruns of “Diff’rent Strokes”.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:17 pm
They will start running re-runs from the Carter Administration and hope for such a good economy themselves.
They’ve announced a new call-in show, “What can you blame on the GOP?”
They are going to introduce HBO-levels of nudity and profanity.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:17 pm
…they’re going to have a single camera focused on a TV with Fox News and just play the live feed.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:20 pm
…they’ve replaced all their shows with LOLCats.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:21 pm
…Obama will be proposing a new “CNNcare” bill, which will amndate that all Americans watch CNN on a daily basis.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:23 pm
…They’re showing videos of a monkey washing a cat.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:25 pm
they will have more guest editorials from Joe Biden.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:26 pm
CNN? Never heard of it.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:26 pm
They decided to become a news channel.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:27 pm
…they’ve hired a large ugly woman with a huge butt and “toned arms,” because everyone they know keeps talking about how attractive that is.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:37 pm
As Part of the Plan to Boost CNN’s Ratings… they plan on discontinuing all programming and transmissions.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:38 pm
…Peirs Morgan’s head will be exploded at a random moment.
…Anderson Cooper will do his show in full drag.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:43 pm
…at random intervals bulls will be stampeded across the set.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:50 pm
…two words: Naked News.
…they plan on advertising in the New York Times, Newsweek, and Time magazine.
…they bought the rights to “The Biggest Loser.”
…they will let the audience choose the ending of a news story by calling an 800 number.
…they will start showing a burning log in a fireplace 24-7.
…they’ll just start misrepresenting the Neilson ratings the way they currently do the economic statistics.
February 1st, 2013 at 12:54 pm
everyone is fired
February 1st, 2013 at 1:13 pm
… all on air personalities will wear a paper bag over their heads at all times … Anderson Cooper’s will be plastic…
February 1st, 2013 at 1:22 pm
. . . they will stop paying the utility bills for the transmitter.
February 1st, 2013 at 1:30 pm
…viewers can vote online to see their favorite anchor waterboarded.
February 1st, 2013 at 1:31 pm
As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…they will pander to the mentally ill by having Garret Morris in the corner screaming in mexican.
February 1st, 2013 at 1:36 pm
…they’ll take the “C” out of “truck,” and the “F” out of “way.”
February 1st, 2013 at 1:37 pm
…instead of a monkey, they’ll send Candy Crowley into outerspace.
February 1st, 2013 at 1:38 pm
…they will replace regular programming with a test pattern.
February 1st, 2013 at 1:38 pm
…rename from CNN to IMAO.
(Obligatory suck up entry)
February 1st, 2013 at 1:40 pm
…guest panels will have to run a “Chinese Fire Drill” right after coming back from a break.
February 1st, 2013 at 1:40 pm
…they will replace regular programming with speeded up footage of two fat men in tuxedos & tails playing ping pong. (h/t Woody Allen — back when he was funny….)
February 1st, 2013 at 1:58 pm
Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats
February 1st, 2013 at 2:04 pm
Just run Fox News programs but photoshop CNN logos over everything.
February 1st, 2013 at 2:18 pm
I can’t say much as it’s still company classified, but what I can release is that it involves the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”
February 1st, 2013 at 2:32 pm
two words…. Swamp People.
February 1st, 2013 at 2:51 pm
…they will add a new round table show featuring Cousin Oliver, Andy Keaton, and Scrappy Doo.
February 1st, 2013 at 3:12 pm
Piers Morgan will start wearing makeup and juggling on air. Might as well fully embrace his on air persona.
February 1st, 2013 at 3:34 pm
New show idea: Stump Piers Morgan. Will feature cast from the series American Chainsaw.
February 1st, 2013 at 4:06 pm
…the new prime time pairing of Honey Boo Boo and Anderson go poo poo.
…borrowing the Couric FannyCam and broadcasting Ted Nugent passing a golf ball sized stone, or even just a golf ball.
…the cooking segments will all feature grilling Conservatives.
February 1st, 2013 at 4:17 pm
…the “shock collar of accidentally telling the truth!!!”
…weather reports replaced with the thrill up Chris Matthews Leg meter via hidden camera at MSNBC.
…we get the Brownest Nose contest included with the What The Obamas Ate Today segment.
February 1st, 2013 at 4:31 pm
Anderson Cooper french kisses Elton John
February 1st, 2013 at 4:34 pm
As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…they will copy the business and broadcast plan of MSNBC (that ought to work, right?).
February 1st, 2013 at 4:58 pm
The Administration has agreed to pull all of the Licenses to FOX stations and every station carrying Rush Limbaugh.
If that is not suffiient, the Mainstream alphabets are next.
February 1st, 2013 at 5:16 pm
…they will be providing free cable TV to every household in Palestein, Iran, Pakistan and Libya.
February 1st, 2013 at 5:18 pm
…Obama signed an executive order that all White House press conferences can only air on CNN.
February 1st, 2013 at 5:29 pm
….they threatened to make anyone who watched CNN listen to Yoko Ono “singing.
This was incredibly unsuccessful. So they came up with another plan, which they called “The Other Plan”, in which they bought ads on Fox News with Yoko Ono “singing” while a banner scrolled on the bottom of the screen announcing: If you were watching CNN now, this pain would cease. It did, in fact, boost their ratings until people realized they had to listen to Maddow, Matthews, Morgan and the rest drone on..and on..and on….
February 1st, 2013 at 5:30 pm
They gained exclusive Rights as Speech Writers for the Osama administration.
February 1st, 2013 at 5:31 pm
…they will start airing CNN in unemployment offices, which could either increase their current viewership, or lower new unemployment claims.
February 1st, 2013 at 5:44 pm
…Manti Te’o's girlfriend will occasionally read he scroll at bottom of broadcast to Manti Te’o.
…Will hire Geraldo Rivera to do special on foxhole found with an atheist in it.
February 1st, 2013 at 5:56 pm
New show: “Stick Quiz”. Contestants are asked a trivia question and if they get it wrong, they are hit with a stick.
February 1st, 2013 at 7:12 pm
.. they will report that their ratings have tripled. Oh, you mean their actual ratings? It’s already been reported as tripled — so what, at this late date, does it matter?
February 1st, 2013 at 9:22 pm
Prime time will include an hour of lesbian oil wrestling. And I mean the good lesbian kind of oil wrestling…not the Rachel Maddow kind.
February 1st, 2013 at 9:35 pm
…. Both fans of Piers Morgan will stop playing video games in their mothers’ basements and tune in to watch.
…. New show: Sumo wrestling with Candy Crowley!
…. they’ll edit the ratings reports like NBC edits tape
February 1st, 2013 at 9:58 pm
They will sell there channel to some place in Japan for 24/7 anime.
February 1st, 2013 at 10:45 pm
They’re planning to have Hitlery host a new show……”It takes a village idiot to destroy a country”. She will have lots of personal stories and experience on this show.
February 2nd, 2013 at 2:14 pm
…hourly ratings reports with anchors holding loaded handguns.
…they will stop fighting stalking charges against Anderson Cooper whenever he gets a viewer.
…they will move studio to extinct volcano core and question guests while laser beam tracks ever closer to their groins.
February 2nd, 2013 at 10:16 pm
They will show reruns of To Tell The Truth and hope to fool you.
February 4th, 2013 at 4:07 pm
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