Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry’s First Official Act As Secretary of State…

Posted on February 18, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State…

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73 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry’s First Official Act As Secretary of State…”

  1. burt says:

    Occurred when he met with the VietCong in Paris in 1971… ’bout time he got the credit.

  2. Cliff says:

    …is to eat his Froot Loops.

  3. Jimmy says:

    …was to switch over to Hunt’s Ketchup.

  4. Apostic says:

    …will be to assure America’s supply of Botox will not be imperiled by foreign influence.

  5. Jimmy says:

    …was to call the Russians and be permanently ignored.

  6. rodney dill says:

    …surrender to the French.

  7. rodney dill says:

    …build a giant wooden badger.

  8. windbag says:

    Flexibility…meaning we’ll remain so while we wait for you to get around to calling us back. If it’s possible, it appears the Russians think less of Obama than we do.

  9. Son of Bob says:

    …will be to throw the Constitution over a fence.

  10. rodney dill says:

    …have Hillary’s blue pantsuits taken in… so he can wear them…

  11. rodney dill says:

    …is to bulk up so he can caddy for Obama.

  12. Jimmy says:

    …was to review Hillary’s “I ain’t no ways tired” speech for important policy content.

  13. Carpenter says:

    …. will be to re-re-re-issue his combat medals and to make an official announcement: He Served in Vietnam!

  14. rodney dill says:

    …is to deny that he’d ever heard of Benghazi.

  15. rodney dill says:

    …blame Hillary Clinton.

  16. g says:

    … Was to have that ‘old woman’ smell scrubbed out of his office

  17. blarg says:

    …is to find out why other countries won’t return his phone calls.

  18. blarg says:

    …eliminate the pantsuit slush fund

  19. James says:

    . . . went for a swift-boat cruise on the Potomac.

  20. Jimmy says:

    …put all the water boards on display in the lobby, laid down on one and went to sleep.

  21. Conservatarian says:

    …was tofile an incident report for a paper cut.

  22. Conservatarian says:

    oops! “to file”

  23. blarg says:

    …give Bill Clinton a tour of the office – since he hasn’t been there in at least 4 years.

    …remove all the Georgia O’Keefe prints.

    …call the Iranians and North Koreans and make sure they’re ok and have everything they need.

    …find out more about ths “Israel” everybody keeps talking about.

    …train himself to stop crying every time a foreign leader looks him in the eye.

    …finally go retrieve those medals from the White House lawn without causing a security alert.

    …take a vacation

    …practice his “Alahu Ackbar”

  24. FormerHostage says:

    …was to rail against the enemies of the United States in ways reminiscent of Ghengis Khan!

  25. FormerHostage says:

    …was to practice his “a$$-kissing” face in front of the mirror.

  26. FormerHostage says:

    …was to change the State Department motto to “What difference does it make?”

  27. FormerHostage says:

    …was to have the office fumigated to, in his words, “Remove that Hillary stench!”

  28. ColoradoRight says:

    … was to confirm the attendance list for the Lillith Fair

  29. Jimmy says:

    …was to have his DHS-paid staff scour the Internet for the words “Lurch” and “Kerry” on the same website and launch SQL injection attacks against them.

  30. ColoradoRight says:

    … was to send Warren Buffet a thank you bouquet.

  31. ColoradoRight says:

    … was to have his windsurfing board waxed

  32. Marc says:

    …What does it matter!?!?!
    …Practiced screaching “what does it matter!?!?!”
    …did the “usual drill”

  33. Jimmy says:

    …was to schedule himself for some leg bone reduction surgery.

  34. CTCompromise says:

    …was to name Nantucket an independent and sovereign nation.

  35. Apostic says:

    @ 30 ColoradoRight (February 18th, 2013 at 12:42 pm )

    Heh. Meanwhile….

  36. CTCompromise says:

    ..was to order that the diplomatic post in Benghazi be closed.

  37. CTCompromise says:

    …was to sit on the boss’ lap and “take dictation”.

  38. CTCompromise says:

    …was to rename his title to Secretary of All 57 States. (He liked the implied Heinz reference)

  39. Jimmy says:

    …was to issue a memo declaring that his position in the “line of succession” to the Presidency will be strictly enforced. He then issued a second memo instructing his staff to track the position of the President, the Vice President and the President pro tempore of the Senate at all times.

    Then he slammed his office door and got sad.

  40. jw says:

    put on one of hillary’s pantsuits.

  41. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    This one is easy…..

    John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State will be to grant Hillary a full pardon.

  42. DamnCat says:

    …is to reopen the Benghazi consulate and staff it with members of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group.

  43. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford John Kerry, President…I mean I should have been but now I’m Secretary of something of the United States, pursuant to the pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution Barack Obama, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton for all offenses against the United States which he, Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton, has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from July (January) 20, 1969 through August 9, 2047.

  44. Dohtimes says:

    …admit that his manicurist was not really Cambodian.

  45. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . was to put on the really sweet sperm cell outfit that he used during his presidential campaign.

  46. HokieGomer says:

    …was to take his phone off the hook. Those 3AM calls really interfere with his beauty sleep (and he REALY needs his beauty sleep).

  47. HokieGomer says:

    …was to get fitted for his taylored fire-proof pantsuit. Don’t forget the extra padding in the crotch.

  48. rodney dill says:

    …get lessons from Bowzer from Sha Na Na so he knows how to bow bow bow…

  49. Son of Bob says:

    …Change his Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated,” because maybe Christy Walton (widow of John Walton of Walmart, worth $25.3 billion) will return his calls now that he’s Secretary of State.

  50. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    . . . was to put on the really sweet sperm cell outfit that he used during his presidential campaign.

    John-Kerry and the penis straw

    What do you expect from a dick like him?

  51. Oppo says:

    … was to call Hagel and say “Man, these confirmation hearings are a breeze, huh, Chuck?”

  52. Oppo says:

    … was to assure everyone that his appointment “will not give the term SOS new meaning.”

  53. Oppo says:

    … was to try to get hold of the keys to that second Oval Office.

  54. Dohtimes says:

    …find out if worlds perception of America is one of a Beavis or a Butthead.

    …was to put on his pantsuit one leg at a time without any help, on just his fourth try.

    …saluted the nearest American flag, then applied for a Purple Heart for smoke inhalation.

  55. Ironic Stompin' says:

    …formally requested the position title be changed to “Administrative Professional of State” and sent out his wish list of gifts so people would have enough time to shop for Administrative Professional Day.

  56. Dohtimes says:

    …was to brag that he would never get his panties in a wad, showing off his new suspenders and the latest from Fredericks of Hollywood.

  57. Oppo says:

    … was to announce that he was replacing checkbook diplomacy with “Cash & Kerry.”

  58. Oppo says:

    … was to see if he could have the Ship of State docked in Newport, Rhode Island.

  59. Jimmy says:

    …was announcing that, like Hillary, he won’t be performing any “official acts” that could be assigned blame.

  60. Oppo says:

    … was to announce the State Dept.’s new motto, “Keep Commie and Kerry On.”

  61. Oppo says:

    … was to call the IRS. With a membership list of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. But don’t worry about it.

  62. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …order a bunch of re-reset buttons.

  63. Oppo says:

    … was to deny that he has a face like a horse, and to punish those who called him Secretariat of State.

  64. Dohtimes says:

    …was to remove the peanut butter from his gums and leave the podium.

    …was to finally have a State Funeral for the real star of Animal House and initiate equine rights abuse by UN.

  65. DamnCat says:

    …: reporting for doody.

  66. RAML says:

    Go on vacation, excuse me, good will tour of every country in Europe

  67. Writer says:

    . . . was to sign a full formal Alliance with Vietnam, ecause they had been his loyal friends and largest Campaign contributors for so many years.

  68. Ernie G says:

    …was to get the door slammed in his face by the Russians.

  69. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …was to sear the details of Benghazi in his memory.

  70. a guy named Rob says:

    …to look for his dictation machine and find out how Barack likes his coffee. Because dammit, he’s going to be a better secretary than Hillary ever was!

    …call Hillary to see which state he is secretary of, and find out where the other 49 hang out

    …Weep openly while muttering ” thank God I finally have a job where Theresa can’t follow me around nitpicking and make fun of me”

    …said “wait….what? I thought this was for the presidency???”

    …swore that the establishment of a trade pact with Moldova would be his legacy, his Sistine Chapel

  71. CTCompromise says:

    …was to fill out his tax witholding forms, no doubt.

  72. Heftyjo says:

    …is to wind board across the Atlantic to shake some prime ministers hand.

  73. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    [...] Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State…” [...]

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