Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry’s First Official Act As Secretary of State…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State…

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  1. …give Bill Clinton a tour of the office – since he hasn’t been there in at least 4 years.

    …remove all the Georgia O’Keefe prints.

    …call the Iranians and North Koreans and make sure they’re ok and have everything they need.

    …find out more about ths “Israel” everybody keeps talking about.

    …train himself to stop crying every time a foreign leader looks him in the eye.

    …finally go retrieve those medals from the White House lawn without causing a security alert.

    …take a vacation

    …practice his “Alahu Ackbar”


  2. …was to issue a memo declaring that his position in the “line of succession” to the Presidency will be strictly enforced. He then issued a second memo instructing his staff to track the position of the President, the Vice President and the President pro tempore of the Senate at all times.

    Then he slammed his office door and got sad.


  3. Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford John Kerry, President…I mean I should have been but now I’m Secretary of something of the United States, pursuant to the pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution Barack Obama, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton for all offenses against the United States which he, Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton, has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from July (January) 20, 1969 through August 9, 2047.


  4. …Change his Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated,” because maybe Christy Walton (widow of John Walton of Walmart, worth $25.3 billion) will return his calls now that he’s Secretary of State.


  5. …find out if worlds perception of America is one of a Beavis or a Butthead.

    …was to put on his pantsuit one leg at a time without any help, on just his fourth try.

    …saluted the nearest American flag, then applied for a Purple Heart for smoke inhalation.


  6. …to look for his dictation machine and find out how Barack likes his coffee. Because dammit, he’s going to be a better secretary than Hillary ever was!

    …call Hillary to see which state he is secretary of, and find out where the other 49 hang out

    …Weep openly while muttering ” thank God I finally have a job where Theresa can’t follow me around nitpicking and make fun of me”

    …said “wait….what? I thought this was for the presidency???”

    …swore that the establishment of a trade pact with Moldova would be his legacy, his Sistine Chapel


  7. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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