Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry’s First Official Act As Secretary of State…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State…

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  1. Flexibility…meaning we’ll remain so while we wait for you to get around to calling us back. If it’s possible, it appears the Russians think less of Obama than we do.

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  2. …give Bill Clinton a tour of the office – since he hasn’t been there in at least 4 years.

    …remove all the Georgia O’Keefe prints.

    …call the Iranians and North Koreans and make sure they’re ok and have everything they need.

    …find out more about ths “Israel” everybody keeps talking about.

    …train himself to stop crying every time a foreign leader looks him in the eye.

    …finally go retrieve those medals from the White House lawn without causing a security alert.

    …take a vacation

    …practice his “Alahu Ackbar”

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  3. …was to have his DHS-paid staff scour the Internet for the words “Lurch” and “Kerry” on the same website and launch SQL injection attacks against them.

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  4. …was to issue a memo declaring that his position in the “line of succession” to the Presidency will be strictly enforced. He then issued a second memo instructing his staff to track the position of the President, the Vice President and the President pro tempore of the Senate at all times.

    Then he slammed his office door and got sad.

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  5. …is to reopen the Benghazi consulate and staff it with members of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group.

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  6. Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford John Kerry, President…I mean I should have been but now I’m Secretary of something of the United States, pursuant to the pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution Barack Obama, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton for all offenses against the United States which he, Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton, has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from July (January) 20, 1969 through August 9, 2047.

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  7. …was to take his phone off the hook. Those 3AM calls really interfere with his beauty sleep (and he REALY needs his beauty sleep).

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  8. …was to get fitted for his taylored fire-proof pantsuit. Don’t forget the extra padding in the crotch.

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  9. …Change his Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated,” because maybe Christy Walton (widow of John Walton of Walmart, worth $25.3 billion) will return his calls now that he’s Secretary of State.

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  10. …find out if worlds perception of America is one of a Beavis or a Butthead.

    …was to put on his pantsuit one leg at a time without any help, on just his fourth try.

    …saluted the nearest American flag, then applied for a Purple Heart for smoke inhalation.

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  11. …formally requested the position title be changed to “Administrative Professional of State” and sent out his wish list of gifts so people would have enough time to shop for Administrative Professional Day.

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  12. …was to brag that he would never get his panties in a wad, showing off his new suspenders and the latest from Fredericks of Hollywood.

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  13. …was announcing that, like Hillary, he won’t be performing any “official acts” that could be assigned blame.

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  14. … was to call the IRS. With a membership list of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. But don’t worry about it.

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  15. …was to remove the peanut butter from his gums and leave the podium.

    …was to finally have a State Funeral for the real star of Animal House and initiate equine rights abuse by UN.

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  16. . . . was to sign a full formal Alliance with Vietnam, ecause they had been his loyal friends and largest Campaign contributors for so many years.

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  17. …to look for his dictation machine and find out how Barack likes his coffee. Because dammit, he’s going to be a better secretary than Hillary ever was!

    …call Hillary to see which state he is secretary of, and find out where the other 49 hang out

    …Weep openly while muttering ” thank God I finally have a job where Theresa can’t follow me around nitpicking and make fun of me”

    …said “wait….what? I thought this was for the presidency???”

    …swore that the establishment of a trade pact with Moldova would be his legacy, his Sistine Chapel

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  18. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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