Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry’s First Official Act As Secretary of State…

Posted on February 18, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State…

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73 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry’s First Official Act As Secretary of State…”

  1. burt says:

    Occurred when he met with the VietCong in Paris in 1971… ’bout time he got the credit.

  2. Cliff says:

    …is to eat his Froot Loops.

  3. Jimmy says:

    …was to switch over to Hunt’s Ketchup.

  4. Apostic says:

    …will be to assure America’s supply of Botox will not be imperiled by foreign influence.

  5. Jimmy says:

    …was to call the Russians and be permanently ignored.

  6. rodney dill says:

    …surrender to the French.

  7. rodney dill says:

    …build a giant wooden badger.

  8. windbag says:

    Flexibility…meaning we’ll remain so while we wait for you to get around to calling us back. If it’s possible, it appears the Russians think less of Obama than we do.

  9. Son of Bob says:

    …will be to throw the Constitution over a fence.

  10. rodney dill says:

    …have Hillary’s blue pantsuits taken in… so he can wear them…

  11. rodney dill says:

    …is to bulk up so he can caddy for Obama.

  12. Jimmy says:

    …was to review Hillary’s “I ain’t no ways tired” speech for important policy content.

  13. Carpenter says:

    …. will be to re-re-re-issue his combat medals and to make an official announcement: He Served in Vietnam!

  14. rodney dill says:

    …is to deny that he’d ever heard of Benghazi.

  15. rodney dill says:

    …blame Hillary Clinton.

  16. g says:

    … Was to have that ‘old woman’ smell scrubbed out of his office

  17. blarg says:

    …is to find out why other countries won’t return his phone calls.

  18. blarg says:

    …eliminate the pantsuit slush fund

  19. James says:

    . . . went for a swift-boat cruise on the Potomac.

  20. Jimmy says:

    …put all the water boards on display in the lobby, laid down on one and went to sleep.

  21. Conservatarian says:

    …was tofile an incident report for a paper cut.

  22. Conservatarian says:

    oops! “to file”

  23. blarg says:

    …give Bill Clinton a tour of the office – since he hasn’t been there in at least 4 years.

    …remove all the Georgia O’Keefe prints.

    …call the Iranians and North Koreans and make sure they’re ok and have everything they need.

    …find out more about ths “Israel” everybody keeps talking about.

    …train himself to stop crying every time a foreign leader looks him in the eye.

    …finally go retrieve those medals from the White House lawn without causing a security alert.

    …take a vacation

    …practice his “Alahu Ackbar”

  24. FormerHostage says:

    …was to rail against the enemies of the United States in ways reminiscent of Ghengis Khan!

  25. FormerHostage says:

    …was to practice his “a$$-kissing” face in front of the mirror.

  26. FormerHostage says:

    …was to change the State Department motto to “What difference does it make?”

  27. FormerHostage says:

    …was to have the office fumigated to, in his words, “Remove that Hillary stench!”

  28. ColoradoRight says:

    … was to confirm the attendance list for the Lillith Fair

  29. Jimmy says:

    …was to have his DHS-paid staff scour the Internet for the words “Lurch” and “Kerry” on the same website and launch SQL injection attacks against them.

  30. ColoradoRight says:

    … was to send Warren Buffet a thank you bouquet.

  31. ColoradoRight says:

    … was to have his windsurfing board waxed

  32. Marc says:

    …What does it matter!?!?!
    …Practiced screaching “what does it matter!?!?!”
    …did the “usual drill”

  33. Jimmy says:

    …was to schedule himself for some leg bone reduction surgery.

  34. CTCompromise says:

    …was to name Nantucket an independent and sovereign nation.

  35. Apostic says:

    @ 30 ColoradoRight (February 18th, 2013 at 12:42 pm )

    Heh. Meanwhile….

  36. CTCompromise says:

    ..was to order that the diplomatic post in Benghazi be closed.

  37. CTCompromise says:

    …was to sit on the boss’ lap and “take dictation”.

  38. CTCompromise says:

    …was to rename his title to Secretary of All 57 States. (He liked the implied Heinz reference)

  39. Jimmy says:

    …was to issue a memo declaring that his position in the “line of succession” to the Presidency will be strictly enforced. He then issued a second memo instructing his staff to track the position of the President, the Vice President and the President pro tempore of the Senate at all times.

    Then he slammed his office door and got sad.

  40. jw says:

    put on one of hillary’s pantsuits.

  41. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    This one is easy…..

    John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State will be to grant Hillary a full pardon.

  42. DamnCat says:

    …is to reopen the Benghazi consulate and staff it with members of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group.

  43. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford John Kerry, President…I mean I should have been but now I’m Secretary of something of the United States, pursuant to the pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution Barack Obama, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton for all offenses against the United States which he, Richard Nixon Hillary Clinton, has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from July (January) 20, 1969 through August 9, 2047.

  44. Dohtimes says:

    …admit that his manicurist was not really Cambodian.

  45. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . was to put on the really sweet sperm cell outfit that he used during his presidential campaign.

  46. HokieGomer says:

    …was to take his phone off the hook. Those 3AM calls really interfere with his beauty sleep (and he REALY needs his beauty sleep).

  47. HokieGomer says:

    …was to get fitted for his taylored fire-proof pantsuit. Don’t forget the extra padding in the crotch.

  48. rodney dill says:

    …get lessons from Bowzer from Sha Na Na so he knows how to bow bow bow…

  49. Son of Bob says:

    …Change his Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated,” because maybe Christy Walton (widow of John Walton of Walmart, worth $25.3 billion) will return his calls now that he’s Secretary of State.

  50. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    . . . was to put on the really sweet sperm cell outfit that he used during his presidential campaign.

    John-Kerry and the penis straw

    What do you expect from a dick like him?

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