Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry’s First Official Act As Secretary of State…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State…
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February 18th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
Occurred when he met with the VietCong in Paris in 1971… ’bout time he got the credit.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:07 pm
…is to eat his Froot Loops.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:08 pm
…was to switch over to Hunt’s Ketchup.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:09 pm
…will be to assure America’s supply of Botox will not be imperiled by foreign influence.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:10 pm
…was to call the Russians and be permanently ignored.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:14 pm
…surrender to the French.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:14 pm
…build a giant wooden badger.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:14 pm
Flexibility…meaning we’ll remain so while we wait for you to get around to calling us back. If it’s possible, it appears the Russians think less of Obama than we do.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
…will be to throw the Constitution over a fence.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
…have Hillary’s blue pantsuits taken in… so he can wear them…
February 18th, 2013 at 12:16 pm
…is to bulk up so he can caddy for Obama.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:17 pm
…was to review Hillary’s “I ain’t no ways tired” speech for important policy content.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:19 pm
…. will be to re-re-re-issue his combat medals and to make an official announcement: He Served in Vietnam!
February 18th, 2013 at 12:23 pm
…is to deny that he’d ever heard of Benghazi.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:23 pm
…blame Hillary Clinton.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:24 pm
… Was to have that ‘old woman’ smell scrubbed out of his office
February 18th, 2013 at 12:24 pm
…is to find out why other countries won’t return his phone calls.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:25 pm
…eliminate the pantsuit slush fund
February 18th, 2013 at 12:28 pm
. . . went for a swift-boat cruise on the Potomac.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
…put all the water boards on display in the lobby, laid down on one and went to sleep.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:31 pm
…was tofile an incident report for a paper cut.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:31 pm
oops! “to file”
February 18th, 2013 at 12:32 pm
…give Bill Clinton a tour of the office – since he hasn’t been there in at least 4 years.
…remove all the Georgia O’Keefe prints.
…call the Iranians and North Koreans and make sure they’re ok and have everything they need.
…find out more about ths “Israel” everybody keeps talking about.
…train himself to stop crying every time a foreign leader looks him in the eye.
…finally go retrieve those medals from the White House lawn without causing a security alert.
…take a vacation
…practice his “Alahu Ackbar”
February 18th, 2013 at 12:34 pm
…was to rail against the enemies of the United States in ways reminiscent of Ghengis Khan!
February 18th, 2013 at 12:36 pm
…was to practice his “a$$-kissing” face in front of the mirror.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:38 pm
…was to change the State Department motto to “What difference does it make?”
February 18th, 2013 at 12:39 pm
…was to have the office fumigated to, in his words, “Remove that Hillary stench!”
February 18th, 2013 at 12:40 pm
… was to confirm the attendance list for the Lillith Fair
February 18th, 2013 at 12:40 pm
…was to have his DHS-paid staff scour the Internet for the words “Lurch” and “Kerry” on the same website and launch SQL injection attacks against them.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:42 pm
… was to send Warren Buffet a thank you bouquet.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:43 pm
… was to have his windsurfing board waxed
February 18th, 2013 at 12:43 pm
…What does it matter!?!?!
…Practiced screaching “what does it matter!?!?!”
…did the “usual drill”
February 18th, 2013 at 12:45 pm
…was to schedule himself for some leg bone reduction surgery.
February 18th, 2013 at 1:06 pm
…was to name Nantucket an independent and sovereign nation.
February 18th, 2013 at 1:06 pm
@ 30 ColoradoRight (February 18th, 2013 at 12:42 pm )
Heh. Meanwhile….
February 18th, 2013 at 1:07 pm
..was to order that the diplomatic post in Benghazi be closed.
February 18th, 2013 at 1:08 pm
…was to sit on the boss’ lap and “take dictation”.
February 18th, 2013 at 1:10 pm
…was to rename his title to Secretary of All 57 States. (He liked the implied Heinz reference)
February 18th, 2013 at 1:19 pm
…was to issue a memo declaring that his position in the “line of succession” to the Presidency will be strictly enforced. He then issued a second memo instructing his staff to track the position of the President, the Vice President and the President pro tempore of the Senate at all times.
Then he slammed his office door and got sad.
February 18th, 2013 at 1:53 pm
put on one of hillary’s pantsuits.
February 18th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
This one is easy…..
John Kerry’s first official act as Secretary of State will be to grant Hillary a full pardon.
February 18th, 2013 at 2:11 pm
…is to reopen the Benghazi consulate and staff it with members of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group.
February 18th, 2013 at 2:15 pm
Now, therefore, I,
Gerald R. FordJohn Kerry, President…I mean I should have been but now I’m Secretary of something of the United States, pursuant to the pardon power conferred upon me byArticle II, Section 2, of the ConstitutionBarack Obama, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon untoRichard NixonHillary Clinton for all offenses against the United States which he,Richard NixonHillary Clinton, has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from July (January) 20, 1969 through August 9, 2047.February 18th, 2013 at 2:18 pm
…admit that his manicurist was not really Cambodian.
February 18th, 2013 at 2:19 pm
. . . was to put on the really sweet sperm cell outfit that he used during his presidential campaign.
February 18th, 2013 at 2:24 pm
…was to take his phone off the hook. Those 3AM calls really interfere with his beauty sleep (and he REALY needs his beauty sleep).
February 18th, 2013 at 2:28 pm
…was to get fitted for his taylored fire-proof pantsuit. Don’t forget the extra padding in the crotch.
February 18th, 2013 at 2:37 pm
…get lessons from Bowzer from Sha Na Na so he knows how to bow bow bow…
February 18th, 2013 at 2:51 pm
…Change his Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated,” because maybe Christy Walton (widow of John Walton of Walmart, worth $25.3 billion) will return his calls now that he’s Secretary of State.
February 18th, 2013 at 3:02 pm
. . . was to put on the really sweet sperm cell outfit that he used during his presidential campaign.
John-Kerry and the penis straw
What do you expect from a dick like him?
February 18th, 2013 at 3:05 pm
… was to call Hagel and say “Man, these confirmation hearings are a breeze, huh, Chuck?”
February 18th, 2013 at 3:07 pm
… was to assure everyone that his appointment “will not give the term SOS new meaning.”
February 18th, 2013 at 3:09 pm
… was to try to get hold of the keys to that second Oval Office.
February 18th, 2013 at 3:11 pm
…find out if worlds perception of America is one of a Beavis or a Butthead.
…was to put on his pantsuit one leg at a time without any help, on just his fourth try.
…saluted the nearest American flag, then applied for a Purple Heart for smoke inhalation.
February 18th, 2013 at 3:17 pm
…formally requested the position title be changed to “Administrative Professional of State” and sent out his wish list of gifts so people would have enough time to shop for Administrative Professional Day.
February 18th, 2013 at 3:23 pm
…was to brag that he would never get his panties in a wad, showing off his new suspenders and the latest from Fredericks of Hollywood.
February 18th, 2013 at 3:25 pm
… was to announce that he was replacing checkbook diplomacy with “Cash & Kerry.”
February 18th, 2013 at 3:32 pm
… was to see if he could have the Ship of State docked in Newport, Rhode Island.
February 18th, 2013 at 3:33 pm
…was announcing that, like Hillary, he won’t be performing any “official acts” that could be assigned blame.
February 18th, 2013 at 3:34 pm
… was to announce the State Dept.’s new motto, “Keep Commie and Kerry On.”
February 18th, 2013 at 3:54 pm
… was to call the IRS. With a membership list of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. But don’t worry about it.
February 18th, 2013 at 4:26 pm
…order a bunch of re-reset buttons.
February 18th, 2013 at 4:29 pm
… was to deny that he has a face like a horse, and to punish those who called him Secretariat of State.
February 18th, 2013 at 4:57 pm
…was to remove the peanut butter from his gums and leave the podium.
…was to finally have a State Funeral for the real star of Animal House and initiate equine rights abuse by UN.
February 18th, 2013 at 8:19 pm
…: reporting for doody.
February 18th, 2013 at 9:03 pm
Go on vacation, excuse me, good will tour of every country in Europe
February 18th, 2013 at 9:30 pm
. . . was to sign a full formal Alliance with Vietnam, ecause they had been his loyal friends and largest Campaign contributors for so many years.
February 18th, 2013 at 9:39 pm
…was to get the door slammed in his face by the Russians.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:48 am
…was to sear the details of Benghazi in his memory.
February 19th, 2013 at 9:48 am
…to look for his dictation machine and find out how Barack likes his coffee. Because dammit, he’s going to be a better secretary than Hillary ever was!
…call Hillary to see which state he is secretary of, and find out where the other 49 hang out
…Weep openly while muttering ” thank God I finally have a job where Theresa can’t follow me around nitpicking and make fun of me”
…said “wait….what? I thought this was for the presidency???”
…swore that the establishment of a trade pact with Moldova would be his legacy, his Sistine Chapel
February 19th, 2013 at 1:34 pm
…was to fill out his tax witholding forms, no doubt.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:36 pm
…is to wind board across the Atlantic to shake some prime ministers hand.
February 20th, 2013 at 7:50 am
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