Straight Line of the Day: While Playing Golf With Tiger Woods, Obama…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
While playing golf with Tiger Woods, Obama…
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(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
February 19th, 2013 at 12:04 pm
Was never far from Woods (or even out of)
February 19th, 2013 at 12:07 pm
…always improved his lies…
…always had the best lies… which he tells frequently.
…
February 19th, 2013 at 12:08 pm
…restricted the press as he didn’t want them to see his putz.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:12 pm
bowed
February 19th, 2013 at 12:13 pm
…made sure the press couldn’t follow him, because God forbid he be seen as bad at golf!
February 19th, 2013 at 12:14 pm
…called drone strikes on Tiger’s shots to make sure he never got par.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
…tried to pull the race card when he lost.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:16 pm
…asked Tiger if he had any good dog recipies.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:22 pm
…said, “It seems like every
3 months10 minutes around here, there’s some manufactured crisis… like this putt.February 19th, 2013 at 12:23 pm
…kept muttering “you didn’t hit that shot, someone else made that happen.”
February 19th, 2013 at 12:33 pm
…said “I left the b!tch at home like you said…now show me how to get me some hoes!”
…said “I didn’t bring Michelle because I thought you meand “G.O.L.F golf, not GOLF golf!” (guys only, ladies forbidden, commonly used bachelor party acronym for “there’s gonna be strippers and stuff you don’t want your significant other to know about”
February 19th, 2013 at 12:34 pm
…said “too bad we couldn’t get O.J. out here too…woudda been perfect.”
February 19th, 2013 at 12:42 pm
..excused his poor performance by claiming that he’s spent all his time lately shooting skeet.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:42 pm
…was treated to lunch at Perkins.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:44 pm
….pulled on his socks too hard and got a hole in one.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:54 pm
…offered Tiger some golf advice.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:56 pm
…shot a 10 under par by redistributing most of his strokes.
February 19th, 2013 at 12:58 pm
…was on vacation AGAIN…..REALLY???!!
February 19th, 2013 at 12:59 pm
…offered Tiger the honor of carrying his clubs.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:00 pm
…won the “number of cultures in my background” contest.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:04 pm
always hooked to the left.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:04 pm
..got some useful marital advice.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:09 pm
….did not mention his insistence on taxing the crap out of the richest citizens.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:11 pm
….would not keep count of his strokes, citing the new official White House “What Does It Matter?” policy.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:12 pm
…recounted the story of the time he caddied for the Dahli Lama.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:16 pm
…was confused when Tiger brought up “tax breaks for golf clubs.”
February 19th, 2013 at 1:34 pm
Said,”Putter? I don’t even know her! And what if the wife found out?
February 19th, 2013 at 1:38 pm
was jealous that he didn’t have women in binders
February 19th, 2013 at 1:40 pm
…had more Mulligans than an Irish phonebook.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:43 pm
…led Tiger from behind.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:45 pm
…kept talking about his balls. “Yeah,” he said on the phone, “I’m playing with Tiger. I have balls.” Too bad he lost his balls by the sixth hole.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:47 pm
…got hungry on the 11th hole; he heard it had a long dogleg.
February 19th, 2013 at 1:48 pm
…blushed when someone said, “You’ve got a Tiger by the tail!”
February 19th, 2013 at 1:49 pm
…objected when Tiger told him not to get caught in those white traps.
February 19th, 2013 at 2:04 pm
…kept referring to Reggie Love as the 19th hole.
…had to pull his shotgun three times when attacked by wild skeet.
…sneered and said only Michelle counts strokes and wanted him to break par.
February 19th, 2013 at 2:11 pm
….met with Snoop and Spike on the back nine, broke out the spliffs and chalices of Courvoisier, got his blaze and drank on, and kicked it one-percent brotha stylee.
February 19th, 2013 at 2:24 pm
While playing golf with Tiger Woods, Obama… and the Republicans on the Ides of March, they stopped for a bit of lunch
Tiger order a Ceasar Salad. The Republicans ordered a dish served cold, and Obama, well, you know what he got!
February 19th, 2013 at 2:44 pm
…asked Tiger if he thinks Americans will forgive him if he goes to spending addiction rehab
…said “ok, NOW you’re exempt from paying taxes”
…played like he was in the Special Olympics or something
February 19th, 2013 at 2:52 pm
…after a few drinks tried to convince Tiger to sneak onto Rush Limbaugh’s property and leave a burning sack of dog poop on his front porch
…asked his Secret Service agents to round up some hookers them…since they know where to get the best ones.
…said “you know, Sharia law is actually not that bad…you get to have as many chicks as you want and if they complain, you have them beheaded
…ordered his propaganda department to photoshop up a picture of him playing golf
…said “hey, why don’t we make this game more interesting?”…so they stopped playing.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:00 pm
…sent drones after the other players on the course because he misunderstood when Tiger asked him if he could, “Kill the Gophers.”
February 19th, 2013 at 3:09 pm
… Obama said “you may have screwed a bunch of pornstars, but I screwed an entire nation”
February 19th, 2013 at 3:11 pm
Obama asked for help with his slice, to which Tiger responded “after 4 years, it’s pretty obvious that nothing is going to stop you from going left”
February 19th, 2013 at 3:25 pm
…admitted he really kept the press away because he wanted to flog.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:25 pm
…blamed House Republicans for his missed putts.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:28 pm
…demonstrated why every bunker can be a pot bunker if you let it.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:31 pm
…asked him if he’s ever kissed another man before.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:31 pm
…got a little embarrassed when he took five strokes to get out of the litter box at Tiger’s house.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:33 pm
…handed in a edited, PDF version of his scoring card when the game was over.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:35 pm
…blamed Bush for his high score.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:38 pm
…thought he noticed his drooling, half-brother among the onlookers and then let loose his 3-wood into the trees.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:38 pm
… wrote down eagle on his card for the 12th. Tiger said, “you didn’t make that”!
February 19th, 2013 at 3:44 pm
…revealed he was there because George Soros said, “We’re done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz”
February 19th, 2013 at 3:45 pm
…scowled when, after deferring to Tiger on the 7th green, Tiger said, “That’s mighty white of you.”
February 19th, 2013 at 3:49 pm
….relieved himself in Tiger’s half-empty bottle of Gatorade when Tiger wasn’t looking.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:49 pm
…employed the use of his new graphite shaft to beat Tiger (the graphics shaft in his pencil that is).
…used SEAL Team 6 to take out Tiger’s ball on every hole.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:56 pm
…told Tiger he wasn’t using Titleist balls anymore but ones from his new, Stimulus-funded, start-up company called “Entitleist.” He then drove his ball into a swamp.
February 19th, 2013 at 4:48 pm
…bragged that he spends more time golfing than Tiger does.
February 19th, 2013 at 5:13 pm
…was able to use his wood on the last hole, when the Viagra finally took effect.
…was obviously perturbed when using Eric Holder instead of a tee his lies actually turned out to be far worse than planned.
February 19th, 2013 at 5:58 pm
began to cry. Then explained, “I just can’t believe I get to play golf with my HERO! I wanna be JUST LIKE YOU!”
February 19th, 2013 at 5:58 pm
… double-bogarted several times.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:00 pm
… got on the phone with GMC, because that green Blazer Tiger talked about sounded like a heck of an idea.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:04 pm
… described how long he watched Biden try to put the frisbee in the hole, the last time they played this course.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:06 pm
… got on the phone with the border patrol, because he wanted the U.S. Open just as much as Tiger did.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:09 pm
… kept giggling Tiger said, “Gambling? Like Bush would?”
February 19th, 2013 at 6:12 pm
shanked, hooked, sliced, and received Time Magazine’s Golfer of the Year” award.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:19 pm
…talked about how he had Biden fitted with a shock collar because, the last time he played Frolf with the Veep, Biden kept running off with the Frisbee, barking, and sniffing Obama’s hind end.
[HT to #62]
February 19th, 2013 at 6:23 pm
…had his balls checked for explosives before he hit them.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:24 pm
…was the first President to ever wedge his way out of a pond.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:32 pm
…..sliced his ball into the woods, and heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position , and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke , he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him. When he opens his eyes, he sees Satan standing before him. “Am I dead”? ask Obama. “Yes, my son,” replies Satan, who looks the man over and notices his clubs. “I see you’re a golfer,” Satan says. “Are you any good?” Obama replies “Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”
February 19th, 2013 at 6:35 pm
… complained, “I need a bigger putt hole.” The punchline to this joke has been extraordinarily renditioned.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:42 pm
…was fortunate that Tiger knew Obama’s butt from a hole in the ground…
February 19th, 2013 at 6:42 pm
… avoided the water hazard better than Rubio did.
February 19th, 2013 at 6:53 pm
… disliked the Secret Service code name, “Whiney the Pooh and Tiger Too.”
February 19th, 2013 at 7:02 pm
…aimed for the flag, like he does back on the ol’ skeet driveway.
February 19th, 2013 at 7:06 pm
…got a hole in one, and then a hole in another… and then the bill for the broken glass.
February 19th, 2013 at 7:16 pm
…said, after a particularly bad shot, “This is like playing pool, when I scratch the hole a lot.”
February 19th, 2013 at 7:42 pm
… said “I didn’t know why the Joint Chiefs said I needed to stop vacationing and pay attention to the golf situation right away; but the joke’s on them — this is a vacation, too!”
February 19th, 2013 at 7:43 pm
… repeatedly used the “Cinderella story — kid from nowhere” line without catching the irony.
February 19th, 2013 at 8:02 pm
@12 Blarg:
… hunted for the economy’s real killer.
February 19th, 2013 at 8:34 pm
. . . took Sandra Fluke along so everyone got a “hole in one”.
February 19th, 2013 at 10:08 pm
won 40-love (as in reggie)
February 20th, 2013 at 1:02 am
…cried every time the ball ended up in the pond. -The media reported Obama turned water into whine.
February 20th, 2013 at 1:39 am
…didn’t have to worry about the water hazards-convinced that he can walk on water.
February 20th, 2013 at 6:30 am
couldn’t outscore tiger on the front holes, but posted a 69 on the back holoes against reggie.
February 21st, 2013 at 8:38 am
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