Straight Line of the Day: While Playing Golf With Tiger Woods, Obama…

Posted on February 19, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

While playing golf with Tiger Woods, Obama…

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85 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: While Playing Golf With Tiger Woods, Obama…”

  1. rodney dill says:

    Was never far from Woods (or even out of)

  2. rodney dill says:

    …always improved his lies…

    …always had the best lies… which he tells frequently.

  3. rodney dill says:

    …restricted the press as he didn’t want them to see his putz.

  4. Mrs. Campbell says:


  5. gsmtiger says:

    …made sure the press couldn’t follow him, because God forbid he be seen as bad at golf!

  6. gsmtiger says:

    …called drone strikes on Tiger’s shots to make sure he never got par.

  7. gsmtiger says:

    …tried to pull the race card when he lost.

  8. gsmtiger says:

    …asked Tiger if he had any good dog recipies.

  9. Jimmy says:

    …said, “It seems like every 3 months 10 minutes around here, there’s some manufactured crisis… like this putt.

  10. Marc says:

    …kept muttering “you didn’t hit that shot, someone else made that happen.”

  11. blarg says:

    …said “I left the b!tch at home like you said…now show me how to get me some hoes!”

    …said “I didn’t bring Michelle because I thought you meand “G.O.L.F golf, not GOLF golf!” (guys only, ladies forbidden, commonly used bachelor party acronym for “there’s gonna be strippers and stuff you don’t want your significant other to know about”

  12. blarg says:

    …said “too bad we couldn’t get O.J. out here too…woudda been perfect.”

  13. DamnCat says:

    ..excused his poor performance by claiming that he’s spent all his time lately shooting skeet.

  14. Conservatarian says:

    …was treated to lunch at Perkins.

  15. rodney dill says:

    ….pulled on his socks too hard and got a hole in one.

  16. FredKey says:

    …offered Tiger some golf advice.

  17. Genghis Khen says:

    …shot a 10 under par by redistributing most of his strokes.

  18. CTCompromise says:

    …was on vacation AGAIN…..REALLY???!!

  19. DamnCat says:

    …offered Tiger the honor of carrying his clubs.

  20. CTCompromise says:

    …won the “number of cultures in my background” contest.

  21. CTCompromise says:

    always hooked to the left.

  22. CTCompromise says: some useful marital advice.

  23. CTCompromise says:

    ….did not mention his insistence on taxing the crap out of the richest citizens.

  24. CTCompromise says:

    ….would not keep count of his strokes, citing the new official White House “What Does It Matter?” policy.

  25. CTCompromise says:

    …recounted the story of the time he caddied for the Dahli Lama.

  26. Jimmy says:

    …was confused when Tiger brought up “tax breaks for golf clubs.”

  27. Grand Larsen E. says:

    Said,”Putter? I don’t even know her! And what if the wife found out?

  28. Roflwagon says:

    was jealous that he didn’t have women in binders

  29. Apostic says:

    …had more Mulligans than an Irish phonebook.

  30. Jimmy says:

    …led Tiger from behind.

  31. Apostic says:

    …kept talking about his balls. “Yeah,” he said on the phone, “I’m playing with Tiger. I have balls.” Too bad he lost his balls by the sixth hole.

  32. Apostic says:

    …got hungry on the 11th hole; he heard it had a long dogleg.

  33. Jimmy says:

    …blushed when someone said, “You’ve got a Tiger by the tail!”

  34. Jimmy says:

    …objected when Tiger told him not to get caught in those white traps.

  35. Dohtimes says:

    …kept referring to Reggie Love as the 19th hole.

    …had to pull his shotgun three times when attacked by wild skeet.

    …sneered and said only Michelle counts strokes and wanted him to break par.

  36. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    ….met with Snoop and Spike on the back nine, broke out the spliffs and chalices of Courvoisier, got his blaze and drank on, and kicked it one-percent brotha stylee.

  37. Carpenter says:

    While playing golf with Tiger Woods, Obama… and the Republicans on the Ides of March, they stopped for a bit of lunch

    Tiger order a Ceasar Salad. The Republicans ordered a dish served cold, and Obama, well, you know what he got!

  38. blarg says:

    …asked Tiger if he thinks Americans will forgive him if he goes to spending addiction rehab

    …said “ok, NOW you’re exempt from paying taxes”

    …played like he was in the Special Olympics or something

  39. blarg says:

    …after a few drinks tried to convince Tiger to sneak onto Rush Limbaugh’s property and leave a burning sack of dog poop on his front porch

    …asked his Secret Service agents to round up some hookers them…since they know where to get the best ones.

    …said “you know, Sharia law is actually not that bad…you get to have as many chicks as you want and if they complain, you have them beheaded

    …ordered his propaganda department to photoshop up a picture of him playing golf

    …said “hey, why don’t we make this game more interesting?”…so they stopped playing.

  40. rodney dill says:

    …sent drones after the other players on the course because he misunderstood when Tiger asked him if he could, “Kill the Gophers.”

  41. phreshone says:

    … Obama said “you may have screwed a bunch of pornstars, but I screwed an entire nation”

  42. phreshone says:

    Obama asked for help with his slice, to which Tiger responded “after 4 years, it’s pretty obvious that nothing is going to stop you from going left”

  43. Dohtimes says:

    …admitted he really kept the press away because he wanted to flog.

  44. DamnCat says:

    …blamed House Republicans for his missed putts.

  45. Dohtimes says:

    …demonstrated why every bunker can be a pot bunker if you let it.

  46. Heftyjo says:

    …asked him if he’s ever kissed another man before.

  47. Dohtimes says:

    …got a little embarrassed when he took five strokes to get out of the litter box at Tiger’s house.

  48. Jimmy says:

    …handed in a edited, PDF version of his scoring card when the game was over.

  49. rodney dill says:

    …blamed Bush for his high score.

  50. Jimmy says:

    …thought he noticed his drooling, half-brother among the onlookers and then let loose his 3-wood into the trees.

  51. can of spam says:

    … wrote down eagle on his card for the 12th. Tiger said, “you didn’t make that”!

  52. blarg says:

    …revealed he was there because George Soros said, “We’re done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz”

  53. Jimmy says:

    …scowled when, after deferring to Tiger on the 7th green, Tiger said, “That’s mighty white of you.”

  54. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    ….relieved himself in Tiger’s half-empty bottle of Gatorade when Tiger wasn’t looking.

  55. rodney dill says:

    …employed the use of his new graphite shaft to beat Tiger (the graphics shaft in his pencil that is).

    …used SEAL Team 6 to take out Tiger’s ball on every hole.

  56. Jimmy says:

    …told Tiger he wasn’t using Titleist balls anymore but ones from his new, Stimulus-funded, start-up company called “Entitleist.” He then drove his ball into a swamp.

  57. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …bragged that he spends more time golfing than Tiger does.

  58. Dohtimes says:

    …was able to use his wood on the last hole, when the Viagra finally took effect.

    …was obviously perturbed when using Eric Holder instead of a tee his lies actually turned out to be far worse than planned.

  59. Anonymiss says:

    began to cry. Then explained, “I just can’t believe I get to play golf with my HERO! I wanna be JUST LIKE YOU!”

  60. Oppo says:

    … double-bogarted several times.

  61. Oppo says:

    … got on the phone with GMC, because that green Blazer Tiger talked about sounded like a heck of an idea.

  62. Oppo says:

    … described how long he watched Biden try to put the frisbee in the hole, the last time they played this course.

  63. Oppo says:

    … got on the phone with the border patrol, because he wanted the U.S. Open just as much as Tiger did.

  64. Oppo says:

    … kept giggling Tiger said, “Gambling? Like Bush would?”

  65. Oppo says:

    shanked, hooked, sliced, and received Time Magazine’s Golfer of the Year” award.

  66. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    …talked about how he had Biden fitted with a shock collar because, the last time he played Frolf with the Veep, Biden kept running off with the Frisbee, barking, and sniffing Obama’s hind end.

    [HT to #62]

  67. Jimmy says:

    …had his balls checked for explosives before he hit them.

  68. Jimmy says:

    …was the first President to ever wedge his way out of a pond.

  69. Cliff says:

    …..sliced his ball into the woods, and heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position , and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke , he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him. When he opens his eyes, he sees Satan standing before him. “Am I dead”? ask Obama. “Yes, my son,” replies Satan, who looks the man over and notices his clubs. “I see you’re a golfer,” Satan says. “Are you any good?” Obama replies “Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?” :-)

  70. Oppo says:

    … complained, “I need a bigger putt hole.” The punchline to this joke has been extraordinarily renditioned.

  71. rodney dill says:

    …was fortunate that Tiger knew Obama’s butt from a hole in the ground…

  72. Oppo says:

    … avoided the water hazard better than Rubio did.

  73. Oppo says:

    … disliked the Secret Service code name, “Whiney the Pooh and Tiger Too.”

  74. Oppo says:

    …aimed for the flag, like he does back on the ol’ skeet driveway.

  75. Jimmy says:

    …got a hole in one, and then a hole in another… and then the bill for the broken glass.

  76. Jimmy says:

    …said, after a particularly bad shot, “This is like playing pool, when I scratch the hole a lot.”

  77. Oppo says:

    … said “I didn’t know why the Joint Chiefs said I needed to stop vacationing and pay attention to the golf situation right away; but the joke’s on them — this is a vacation, too!”

  78. Oppo says:

    … repeatedly used the “Cinderella story — kid from nowhere” line without catching the irony.

  79. Oppo says:

    @12 Blarg:
    … hunted for the economy’s real killer.

  80. Writer says:

    . . . took Sandra Fluke along so everyone got a “hole in one”.

  81. tanstaafl says:

    won 40-love (as in reggie)

  82. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …cried every time the ball ended up in the pond. -The media reported Obama turned water into whine.

  83. CTCompromise says:

    …didn’t have to worry about the water hazards-convinced that he can walk on water.

  84. tanstaafl says:

    couldn’t outscore tiger on the front holes, but posted a 69 on the back holoes against reggie.

  85. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    […] Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “While playing golf with Tiger Woods, Obama…” […]

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