Who Should Be the New Pope?

Posted on February 11, 2013 1:00 pm

In a stunning announcement, Pope Benedict has announced he is resigning — the first time a pope has resigned since 1415.

So who should be the new pope? As with most things, I nominate Mr. T. He certainly has the compassion for the job, hence his pitying of fools.

Who do you think should be the new pope?

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56 Responses to “Who Should Be the New Pope?”

  1. DonMegel says:

    Obama. He is pompous enough to accept and, although it would destroy the Catholic faith, America would be saved by his departure.

    Sacrifices have to be made

  2. FredKey says:

    Mr. T would be a good choice. Obama will probably fly over to give a speech, trying to get Rahm Emanuel the job.

    Rahm’s probably sick of hearing all the whining about murder by now. And that way Obama could get those pesky Catholics to change their rules on abortion and stuff.

  3. Son of Bob says:

    Well, that may be the only position they haven’t tried Katie Couric in yet. She fails at every one they stick her in, but they keep on trying.

  4. storm1911 says:

    Mr. T would make a great pope. He could deliver the Holy Hippie Face Punch of Love and Justice.

    Obama does not need to be pope,. That whole Inquisition thing would give him too many bad ideas.

  5. Genghis Khen says:

    Father Guido Sarducci, obviously.

  6. CTCompromise says:

    @5. GK

    Well, I sure would look forward to the “5 Minute Papal Address”:
    “Where is God? God is’a everywhere.”

  7. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Exercising great charity towards the ignorance of those posts made by non-Catholics in their reaches for the elusive chuckles (pesky Catholics??) and in the interest of advancing the continuing diversity in papal successions ( first a Pole, then a German)….

    Why not Mel Gibson?

    He’s deeply Catholic (in a very old-school kind of way), he’s Irish (by way of New York and Australia), and…he’s not doing much these days (aside from acting as a beard for Jody Foster).

    The divorces and anger issues can be said to be a result of having too much unfocused time on his hands, and what better to focus a person’s attention than to be the shepherd for several million Roman Catholics the world over?

    Pope Mel. (Though, in the selection of a “pope name” he’s likely, in a moment of puckishness, to select something like Diarmuid, Padraig or Seamus.)

    Hail Mary, full of grace, may the Italians stay in second place [Ave Maria variant /parochial schoolyard chant circa 2005 after the selection of Cardinal Josef Ratzinger as pope.]

  8. Dohtimes says:

    Ron Popeil would be easy for me to remember, which is always high on my list of qualifications for anything. Plus he could save time from teaching the proverb of “Give a man a fish……” and just hand out Pocket Fisherman to the masses.

  9. Jimmy says:

    Harvey.

  10. frogmouth says:

    Barack Obama, because choosing anyone else would be racist.

  11. Harvey says:

    @9 – Actually, I’d be a great Pope.

    Since I don’t know anything about Catholic doctrine, I’d always have to check the book before making a decision.

    And my answer will always be “whatever we we doing when the first edition of the King James Bible rolled off the presses is what we should be doing now, because God’s word hasn’t changed in the interim.”

    If the Church ain’t rock-ribbed consistent, it’s not doing its job.

    Anyone who doesn’t agree can go worship somewhere else.

  12. Jimmy says:

    AND, you’d run a great Vatican website with lots of solid, conservative material!

  13. DamnCat says:

    Pope Harvey I introduces new weekly Vatican website feature: LOLProtestants.

  14. Bob in Feenicks says:

    Why would Obama even want to be Pope when so many people already worship him as god? -He would never accept the demotion.

  15. Harvey says:

    @13 – Don’t forget about “Fun Facts About the 50 Saints”

  16. DamnCat says:

    50? Brother, Holy Father, do you have a lot to learn!

  17. Jimmy says:

    And! Religious Newsish Fakery!

    ***Breaking!***

    “Muslims converting to Catholicism at an astounding rate! More at 11:00.”

  18. James says:

    Harvey,

    You will fail at being a pope; stick to your day job and the weekend LOL collection. The King James Bible was commissioned by (drum roll) King James for a very protestant England. While it was based on a loosely translated version of the Roman Catholic Vulgate Bible (original in Latin), I think you would be the first (and dare I say only) pope to endorse the KJV as representative of Catholic theology.

  19. DamnCat says:

    Hey! Who died and made James king?

  20. Jimmy says:

    You could get Keln to be your Archbishop. “You’ve been judged!”

  21. DamnCat says:

    Religious Newsish Fakery!

    ***Breaking!***

    “Pope Harvey I reestablishes the Spanish Inquisition. Unexpectedly.”

  22. Jimmy says:

    ***Breaking!***

    “Pope Harvey I orders nuns to eliminate bad habits!”

  23. Jimmy says:

    ***Correction***

    remove bad habits”

  24. Bob in Feenicks says:

    I was just about to point out that Harvey would be the first Pope to use a Protestant Bible, but #18 beat me to it.

  25. Harvey says:

    @18 – Actually, I don’t care which version of the Holy Book o’ Rules I use, as long as it’s written in the same style of English as Shakespeare’s plays. I just like the poetical sound of that era’s lingo.

  26. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    @11

    Since I don’t know anything about Catholic doctrine, I’d always have to check the book before making a decision.

    First thing…you’d have to set aside that bothersome atheism thing and accept God Almighty before even being close to getting the tall, pointy hat and His unlisted phone #.

    Second, we Catholics use the Confraternity-Douay-Rheims Bible. (King James is for the Protestants-read nonCatholics.) It’d also help to be able to read the “square notes” of Gregorian Chant, know where the Dominie Non Sum Dignus goes in the short 12 and High Mass, and that the signum crucis is not done on the left hand side.

    A thorough acquaintance with Aquinas’ Summas can also help.

    If you can do that-and keep your hands off the underaged altar-help- you might be in the running.

    Get your ecclesiastical stuff together, obtain the sacraments of Baptism, First Communion, and Confirmation, like quick, Buddy, ’cause the Convocation wants a new pope before Easter, and that’s on the 31st of March.

    Tick, tock, Ol’ Harv, takes a bit of work to get that Roman Collar.

  27. Carpenter says:

    RON PAUL

    please send him and the Paulbots to Rome

  28. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Actually, I don’t care which version of the Holy Book o’ Rules I use

    And thus your dream of a papacy will end there.

    If the Church ain’t rock-ribbed consistent, it’s not doing its job.

    The Church is most specific about this. No KJVs.

  29. DamnCat says:

    Bunkerhillbilly says:
    The Church is most specific about this. No KJVs.

    Racist!

  30. Crabby Old Bat says:

    The Church is most specific about this. No KJVs.

    One must look not only for the nihil obstat (“nothing objectionable” in this book), but the imprimatur (“seal” [of approval]), to ensure that one is reading the genuine, Vatican-approved product. (We hip and happenin’ Catholic types used to sing a version of the old Union ad jingle, “Always looook for, the Papist laaaaa-ble . . .”)

  31. Rockin' John says:

    Dom Deluise would be the obvious choice, God rest his soul.
    Since the Pope should be alive, I vote for Father Guido Sarducci.

  32. Marc says:

    Does the new Pope have to be Catholic? That seems kind of discriminatory. Maybe to keep the libs happy the church should go with someone like Richard Dawkins or Peter Singer….but they are male so maybe a female athiest….but not a straight one. A gay female athiest. That should keep the libs happy but then the muslims would be offended….this is a tough decision.

  33. Jimmy says:

    If I were Harvey, I think I would skip the Baptism, First Communion and Confirmation and go straight for the Sacramental Wine.

  34. FredKey says:

    Basically the Muslims would be offended with a Catholic Pope. Just no pleasing some people.

  35. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    @29

    No, DC…vociferously doctrinalist.

    nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.

  36. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    If I were Harvey, I think I would skip the Baptism, First Communion and Confirmation and go straight for the Sacramental Wine.

    Actually, depending on the celebrant priest, the wine can vary from Two Buck Chuck to high-end Rhine wine or Italian Grappa.

    At my boyhood parish the priests used to keep the extra bottles in the basement of the Rectory. Fr. Pantoliano used to have his cousins send him cases of the wine they made in Italy and when he was doing the Mass there wasn’t an empty pew. The stuff was good.

  37. Jimmy says:

    Interesting, Bunker, I’ve always thought that Italian wines were the best in the world (assuming you like grape juice, which I do). But the question is, does our new Pope Harvey I like it, being from Wisconsin, and all? I mean, do they even know what wine is in Wisconsin?

  38. evenst4r says:

    the musician previously known as …. he even wrote a song about it….

  39. Harvey says:

    @37 – Wine… that’s like flat, fruity beer, right?

  40. Jimmy says:

    Yes. And, it goes reasonably well with meat and potatoes, which is important. But so does a good ale. So, you have to choose. And for dessert, I would suggest any of the fine Irish Whiskeys.

  41. Oppo says:

    Alexander Calder. The pope mobile would be awesome.

  42. Bob in Feenicks says:

    #32 Marc:

    If the Pope isn’t Catholic, where are bears going to poop?

  43. Harvey says:

    @42 – on cop cars?

  44. CarolyntheMommy says:

    #5 Kicking it Old School!

  45. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    @37
    But the question is, does our new Pope Harvey I like it, being from Wisconsin, and all?

    Jimmy, the Conclave hasn’t even sent up the plume of white smoke indicating Habemus Papam…we’re still dealing with Novitiate Harvey and his dubious bibulous tastes. For all we know, there may be an inclination towards fortified wine or malt liquor dispensed in 40 oz. sacramental decanters [shudder].

    Good God in Heaven, we may even be looking at the transubstantiation of lutefisk and akavit! [Double shudder.]

    Landbrot and Liebfraumilch I could tolerate. Ratzinger being a Nord-Rhein-Westphalian.

    We need an Irish pope!

    His Holiness, Pope Fintan-Diarmuid I !

  46. Oppo says:

    … it should be someone who has worked with Clapton before . . . .

  47. Oppo says:

    Papa John XXIV? “May the pizza crust be with you.”

  48. Oppo says:

    It’s too late, but Liberace would have been hilarious.

  49. Oppo says:

    Dwayne Johnson. I mean-a, come on: he’s The Rock.

  50. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    it should be someone who has worked with Clapton before . . . .

    Oh…OK…the whole “Clapton is god” thang.

    Given how deeply Jimmy Page is into Crowley, would that make him a “guitar satan” and his fans/disciples followers of a sonic anti-Christ?

    Just askin’.

    Reductio ad absurdum and all that.

  51. DRose says:

    Al Pacino- lets unite Italy’s mafia and Catholics under the first Godfather Pope!

  52. Harvey says:

    @45 – Personal preference:

    http://www.amazon.com/Bulleit-Rye-Whiskey-750ml/dp/B005XS8GZA

    Neat, and ever-so-slightly chilled (usually the cooling due to evaporation makes it perfect after about 10 minutes).

  53. CTCompromise says:

    Harvey…Before we toss your name into the pointy hat, one question: Which is more important, Papal Infailibilty or Celibacy ??

  54. CTCompromise says:

    I say, break ALL the rules at once….That’s right, I’m talkin’ POPE OPRHA !!!!

  55. 4of7 says:

    Harvey is as qualified to be Pope as obummer is to be President.
    No, sorry, I take that back; No One is as unqualified to be President as obummer!

  56. Iowa Jim says:

    John Kerry. He claims that he’s Catholic, or maybe he claims that he was Catholic before he wasn’t. It has to be better than
    John Kerry as Secretary of State.

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