Wish This Guy Wrote Headlines for the New York Times

Posted on February 11, 2013 8:00 pm

[High Praise! to Rumford Meteor]

Stephen King, Who Lives In A Mansion Paid For By A Book And Movie That Gleefully Depicts A Misfit Murdering Everyone In The Local School Over Taunts, Tries His Hand At Writing Humor And Says The NRA Is To Blame For Sandy Hook

Rumford Meteor doesn’t write stories (unfortunately), but they write the headlines the way they OUGHT to be written.

I’ll make one correction to this, though. It should be a book, a movie, and a pseudonymous novel.

Full disclosure: I love Stephen King’s books & short stories, and I’ve read nearly everything he’s written. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his head up his ass on some topics, though.

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8 Responses to “Wish This Guy Wrote Headlines for the New York Times”

  1. Oppo says:

    How about: “The Great Divider, Without Any Hint of Irony, To Give State of the Union Address”

  2. NoMoBama says:

    ….including a ban on semiautomatic weapons

    I’m no gun expert but I’m pretty sure revolvers are just as “semiautomatic” as anything else, I saw it in a movie. So what would be left? I’m betting he doesn’t mean his “semiautomatic”, just other peoples.

    911, what’s your emergency?
    help, I’ve been shot!
    calm down sir, was it a semiautomatic that you were shot with?
    I don’t f’ing know, I’m bleeding to death!
    sir, we are very busy here, semiautomatic shooting victims have priority and if you swear at me, I’ll have to hang up. Now where are you?
    I’m in Chicago somewhere, I was car jacked.
    SIR, guns are ILLEGAL in Chicago so obviously you weren’t really shot. Calling 911 and making stuff up is a CRIME! If you call again, you’ll be arrested. Have a nice day.
    click

  3. AwesometificAmerican says:

    I have read only a few of his novels and that was like back in the late 80′s and early 90′s. I never liked the endings. I am guessing that the ones I read where back in his cocaine addled days. It was like the entire book would be really good and then he would wake up one day after a month long bender and say “Crap the deadline is tomorrow and I don’t have an ending so let me just whip one out really quick.” and give us an unsatisfying and barely plausible ending. Maybe he got better when he was off the junk or when he tried tying everything he ever wrote into the Dark Tower series, I don’t know.

  4. Harvey says:

    @3 – I’ll grant you that King’s endings are often some pretty weak cheese, but I mostly enjoy his storytelling ability. I’ll often re-read his stuff just because I enjoy the ride.

  5. blastit says:

    I may like some actors’ acting, but them personally is an entirely different story. Why should I trust them because they have a good ability to be something they’re not?

  6. Basil says:

    I don’t care for Stephen King’s supernatural stuff. The rest is good.

  7. buckhorn_cortez says:

    I gave up on Stephen King after “The Shining.” I think he gets paid by the word so he stuffs the novels full of excrutiating drivel to up his word count without advancing the plot – much less entertainment.

  8. Harvey says:

    @7 – Yeah, not everything advances the plot, sometimes he goes on tangents, sidebars, and flashbacks to develop the characters. Actually some of my favorite parts.

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