Archive for March, 2013

Honest Joe Biden

Sunday, March 31, 2013 10:00 pm

Joe Biden said the White House wasn’t giving up on its push to ban assault weapons, insisting “this is not about anybody’s constitutional right to own a weapon.”

That’s true. It’s about the government infringing on that right.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Like Watching an Obama Press Conference (Metaphorically Speaking)

Sunday, March 31, 2013 8:00 pm

[High Praise! to springeraz]

Springeraz’s commentary:

“Watch this video… trying to get my brain around it left me with the same feeling I get when I try to listen to the weirdness that comes out of Obama and the Congress. I need to quit doing that.”


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #586,952)

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Link of the Day: Headlines From 2016!

Sunday, March 31, 2013 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to The Fine Report]

In the year 2016

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

The Correct Answer on Gun Control

Sunday, March 31, 2013 3:00 pm

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (10 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Easter – You’re Doing It Wrong

Sunday, March 31, 2013 12:36 pm

Google has this image on their site on Easter Sunday:

Springeraz [High Praise!] sent me the following commentary, for which you may baconize him in the comments:
_______________

Google: /gu-gehl/ V. The act of ignoring a major event (as a birthday, holiday) and substituting another, lesser event as a means of denigrating the significance of the more important event… “he googled the miracle of Christ’s resurrection by replacing it with an observance of the birthday of some guy who started a farm workers union.” Also, the resultant state of dishonor that applies to the googl-er after having so googl-ed… “he made a complete google of himself”. Adj. The state of being politically manipulated, as: The facts surrounding the Presidents “sequester” were completely googled by the media. N. Any statement or act that incorporates the act of googl-ing. These forms are commonly combined in colloquial usage, as… “if we don’t stop googling around with the simple truth, the country will be so googled up we won’t recognize it.” or… “Google these googling progressive google holes, Somebody please start a googling revolution. I mean, what the google.”
_______________

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (13 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Let’s Hear It For Inappropriate Happiness!

Sunday, March 31, 2013 12:00 pm

Told that healthcare premiums were skyrocketing, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said that was “good news”.

Never thought I’d say this, but America could really use a good buzz-kill.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Bacon Easter Egg!

Sunday, March 31, 2013 10:46 am

[High Praise! to Technabob]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (5 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

lolbama! Part 129

Sunday, March 31, 2013 8:00 am

Submit entries to lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.


From Arik:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Les of Nuking Politics:

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

From Travelwise42:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From James:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


Absolutely Arik for having memorized every single episode of “The Dukes of Hazzard”.


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

IMAGE SOURCES: Lots of great Obama pics to be found at the White House Flickr page.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)

Easter 2013

Sunday, March 31, 2013 7:00 am

EmptyTombLuke 24: 1-9

  1. Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
  2. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
  3. And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
  4. And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:
  5. And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
  6. He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
  7. Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
  8. And they remembered his words,
  9. And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (14 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Some Things Are More Dangerous Than Others

Saturday, March 30, 2013 10:00 pm

The Food and Drug Administration is backing down from its plan to require graphic cigarette warning labels.

Hate to see the labels go to waste. Slap ‘em on Obamacare pamphlets.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

On Stereotypes and Reality

Saturday, March 30, 2013 8:00 pm

[High Praise! to According to Hoyt]
_______________

What most “tolerance” people do is simply replace a stereotype with the other. Instead of the evil foreigner, they throw in something that looks like the twenty first century’s cousin of the noble savage. (I was going to say instead of the dumb stay at home mom, they have the stay at home mom who saves the world from a lair in her basement, but that’s just something I want to write. I don’t think that is a stereotype ANY politically correct person has ever doubted.) Instead of father-and-protector they see evil oppressing patriarch. Instead of-

The thing is that their stereotypes aren’t in any way more correct in the real world. (It’s called political correctness, not real correctness.) In fact, their intersection in the real world is smaller.

[…]

if a well groomed, well dressed black man wanders onto a car dealership at the same time as a scraggly bearded Charles Manson look alike white person in cutoffs, no shirt and barefoot (Or even in a cheap suit) salesmen will swarm the black man. And they should. Yes, the black man might be there to sell them encyclopedias, and the white guy might really be an eccentric millionaire. But that’s not the way to bet.
_______________

And this quote just because the mental image tickles me (Sarah is of Portuguese extraction, and can be mistaken for Mexican by those who don’t know better):

I was standing around in a Home Depot parking lot and Toni Weisskopf drove by in her pick up, leaned out the window and said, “I need three people to write novels.” I hopped on the back of the truck and have been stealing American jobs since.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Link of the Day: You Might Live in a Country Founded by Geniuses But Run by Idiots…

Saturday, March 30, 2013 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to Gunslinger’s Journal and Deb]

From the Mailbag…

Most of the items are too true to be funny, but they are succinct truths, the reading of which brings its own sort of pleasure.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

The Fog of War

Saturday, March 30, 2013 3:00 pm

Springeraz [High Praise!] sent me this. I found it sufficiently amusing to share. Remember to say nice things about it in the comments so he’ll write more.
_______________

GLORIOUS LEADER: Listen up stooges! Soon America will pay ultimate price for evil ways! Bring me map of Los Angeles!

STOOGE NUMBER 1: Here is map of Los Angeles, also Austin, and Washington, Great Leader!

GLORIOUS LEADER: Stop everything! This not Austin! This is downtown Pyongyang!

STOOGE NUMBER 1: Sorry sir! My bad. Ooh look…that’s your house!

GLORIOUS LEADER: Idiot!! That not Ooh Luk’s house…that’s my house! What’s wrong with you?

SRONG WI CHU: Yes, Dear Leader?

GLORIOUS LEADER: Say what?

SE WAT: Yes, Dear Leader?

OOH LUK: That not my house. My house over here, on Piano Way…

PI NO WE: Shut up Ooh Luk! Great Leader not talk to you.

TOK TU YU: Say what?

GLORIOUS LEADER: Never mind…

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (10 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Bloomberg Sounds REALLY Familiar

Saturday, March 30, 2013 12:00 pm

On Meet the Press, Mayor Bloomberg said “I do think there are certain times we should infringe on your freedom”.

A British King thought that once. How’d that work out?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Washington

Saturday, March 30, 2013 8:00 am

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we’ll be buying a new umbrella – not because we lost the old one, but because it actually wore out from constant use – as we visit Washington. So let’s get started…
_______________

After a fierce lobbying effort by Starbuckes, the state flag of Washington was changed to a picture of George Washington holding a cup of half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-vanilla-soy cappuccino.

* Washington became the 42nd state on November 11, 1889. The state’s name was chosen as a long-overdue honor to America’s first President… and because “wood-toothed wig-wearer” sounded a bit clunky as a state name.

* Seattle is home to the world’s first revolving restaurant, “The Top of the Needle”, completed in 1961. Victims of a recent salmonella outbreak at the restaurant were buried in the nearby revolving cemetery “The Bottom of the Gravel Pit”.

* Washington’s license plate has black lettering over a light blue mountain design, and features the state motto, “First 5000 tourists receive a free umbrella!”.

* Washington produces more apples than any other state in the nation. For some reason, Bill Gates gets twitchy when you say that in front of him.

* Starbucks Coffee was founded in Seattle, Washington, in 1987. It saved the Filthy Hippie Protester industry from bankruptcy by giving it a target for it’s senseless anger during the debilitating peace between the two Gulf Wars.

* Washington has more glaciers than all the other 47 contiguous states combined. This tends to scare tourists away from the state, since everyone knows that if a glacier bites you, you’ll slowly go insane with global warming paranoia. If you don’t believe me, check Al Gore’s neck for bite marks sometime.

* Washington’s capitol building was the last state capitol to be built with a rotunda. State capitol buildings constructed since then have used more modern architectural features, like cantilevered ceilings and indoor water slides.

* Everett, Washington is home to the world’s largest building – Boeing’s final assembly plant. It encloses nearly 500 million cubic feet – enough to hold every Muslim terrorist in the world… if you chopped them into little pieces first… which, frankly, I don’t have a problem with.

* Medina, Washington is the home of Microsoft founder and multi-billionaire Bill Gates. Who just happens to own a blender big enough to chop every Muslim terrorist in the world into little pieces.

* Software giant Microsoft is headquartered in Redmond, Washington. An aerial view of the corporate campus shows that the buildings are colored and arranged to form the world’s largest Blue Screen of Death.

* King County – Washington’s largest county – was originally named in 1852 after William Rufus King, vice president under president Franklin Pierce. In 1986 it was “re-named” in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King. Between those times it may also have been named in honor of Stephen King, Rodney King, Billie Jean King, and possibly even Sgt. Preston’s dog, for all we know.

* The state flower of Washington is mildew.

* Washington was the birthplace of both Jimi Hendrix (Seattle) and Bing Crosby (Tacoma). Although representing vastly different music styles, they DID collaborate to record the holiday classic, “Purple Christmas”.

* The oldest continually operating gas station in the US is located in Zillah, Washington. It hasn’t changed much since it opened in 1873, and still accepts payments by either cash, check, or beaver pelt.

* The world’s first soft-serve ice cream machine is located in an Olympia, Washington Dairy Queen. It was installed in 1940 as a way to cater to a growing demand for something cold, bland, and containing more air than actual substance. Much the same desire that drove Hillary Clinton’s 2008 presidential campaign.

* Residents of Washington are properly referred to as “Washingtonians”, despite the widespread use of the less-favored term, “Starbucks-swilling Nirvana-moshers”.

* Washington is home to the only rainforests in the US. Sadly, these rainforests contain nothing but wet trees, and don’t meet the minimum requirements for malaria and naked savages that would make environmentalists give a crap about them.

* Europeans first landed in Washington when the Spanish ship Santiago visited briefly in 1775. The captain’s log entry that day consisted only of the terse and cryptic phrase, “Smells like teen spirit”.

* Lewis & Clark visited Washington 30 years later in 1805. Their report was, “Smells like mid-life crisis”.

* Tumwater, Washington was the state’s first colonial settlement. It was founded by Canadians seeking the religious freedom to worship coffee and donuts, which was forbidden by Canada’s repressive Tea & Crumpetist regime.

* Washington is home to such internet giants as Amazon.com, Classmates.com, and Whitepages.com, which explains why the state song is “DAMMIT! ANOTHER POP-UP!”

* In the early 1900’s, Aberdeen, Washington was known as “the roughest town west of the Mississippi”, as it was a haven for violence, saloons, whorehouses, and gambling establishments. It was also rated the #1 tourist destination for both sailors and the Irish.

* The Grand Coulee Dam on Washington’s Columbia river is the largest concrete structure ever built. It contains over 12 million cubic yards of concrete – nearly enough to build a life-size statue of Ted Kennedy’s drinking problem.

* In 1980, Washington’s Mount St. Helens volcano erupted with such violence that the top 1600 feet of the mountain were completely blown away. The sudden, cataclysmic destruction of over $1 billion in economic resources was rumored to have given Bill Gates the idea for Microsoft Windows.

* Washington has a higher percentage of non-religious people than any other state, which is why so many cars there have window signs saying “Blasphemer On Board”.

* Washington ranks first in the nation in the production of apples, cherries, pears, and grapes, earning it the nickname of “America’s Fruit Basket”. The city of San Francisco has the same nickname, although for an entirely different reason.

* Pictionary was invented by Ron Angel of Seattle, Washington, in 1986. According to numerous scientific studies, the game is responsible for more bad art than Picasso, Jackson Pollock, and the National Endowment for the Arts combined.

* The state marine mammal of Washington is the Orca. Although some small-minded, bigoted racists refer to them as “killer whales”, the term is more properly translated as “whales of peace”.

* The fact that they frequently kidnap and behead seals in the name of their God, Poseidon, is no excuse for not respecting their cultural differences.

* Maybe those seals should ask themselves why the orcas hate them.

* Actor Adam West – who played Batman in the 1960’s TV series – was born in Walla Walla, Washington, in 1928. He’s been quoted as saying that his least favorite part about playing the Caped Crusader was “Batpole burn”.
______________

That wraps up the Washington edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be doing genealogy research as we travel through the gene puddle of West Virginia.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go book my vacation to Aberdeen.

______________

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

One Step Closer to Nuking the Moon

Friday, March 29, 2013 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to Dodsfall]

We’re taking up a collection so that we can buy a lunar nuclear test site, because THE MOON IS FOR SALE!

Die, Moon, DIE!

Exit question: once we’re successful, will Obama tell us “you didn’t nuke that”?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

When the Barackalypse Comes, It’ll Happen Just Like This (Metaphorically Speaking)

Friday, March 29, 2013 9:00 pm


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #577,819)

With neither a bang nor a whimper, but with a shattering of all that is good and beautiful.

Thank you, President Failure Front.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (5 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

We Must Protect America’s Deepest Secrets!

Friday, March 29, 2013 8:00 pm

A Chinese NASA scientist was arrested by the FBI at Dulles International Airport as he tried to flee to China.

Good. Wouldn’t want him stealing America’s secrets for how to underfund an agency.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

In the Spirit of the IRS Star Trek Parody

Friday, March 29, 2013 7:00 pm

Totes McGoats!

Somewhere, Dr. Seuss is rolling over in his grave.

[Title reference link]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (No Ratings Yet)

Link of the Day: Satire – President Obama Closes National Zoo

Friday, March 29, 2013 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]

President Obama Closes National Zoo

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)