Archive for April, 2013
In the middle of that night listening to the Boston police scanner, I evolved.
I realized right then that if I were holed up in my house while a cold-blooded terrorist roamed my neighborhood, I wouldn’t want to be a sitting duck with only a deadbolt lock between me and an armed intruder. There are not enough police and they cannot come to my rescue quickly enough. They carry guns to protect themselves, not me.
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I’m more surprised that Jason Collins openly plays for the Washington Wizards.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 29, 2013
“Sweetie, did you hear Michael Jordan is gay?” – Everyone’s mom right now
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 29, 2013
Let’s see what this baby can do.*puts a baby in a corn maze*
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) April 29, 2013
Bar now set VERY high for “funniest ricin terrorism investigation”
— daveweigel (@daveweigel) April 29, 2013
Well, now I know who Chris Broussard and Jason Collins are.
— Kyle Smith (@rkylesmith) April 29, 2013
Waterboardin’ is how we baptize the terrorists with freedom. Merica.
— Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) April 29, 2013
There’s probably only 9 people on earth actually important enough to wear a suit.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 29, 2013
Tell me more about the plight of gay rich people.
— mitrebox (@mitrebox) April 29, 2013
Now if only the economy could come out and admit it is gay Obama might actually pay attention to it & make an effort to get it going again.
— NumbersMuncher (@NumbersMuncher) April 29, 2013
I was thinking: We really need a new word that means everything. That used to be the word “universe” — it was a word specifically made to mean “everything there is” but now there’s talk of multiple universes so the word has lost its purpose. I want a word that means all there is or ever will be — whether we know of it or not or could ever possibly comprehend it. I.e., “No matter how much science advances, the extend of its knowledge will only cover an infinitesimal of the [blank].”
Don’t have a suggestion yet, but I’ll work on it. Just really seems like a word our language needs and is missing.
From the day I took office, I’ve been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious. I’ve been told that our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while. For those who make these claims, I have one simple question: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold?
BARACK OBAMA, State of the Union Address, Jan. 27, 2010
I’ll say 2016. Does 2016 work for you guys?
So now people are reviewing prisons on Yelp. This now seems like a good sign for a town wanting to reduce crime: “Caution about committing crime here: Our prison gets a really bad review on Yelp.”
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
What happened to Carpenter?
So a Democrat resolution says that global warming could drive women to prostitution. Sayeth the report:
[F]ood insecure women with limited socioeconomic resources may be vulnerable to situations such as sex work, transactional sex, and early marriage that put them at risk for HIV, STIs, unplanned pregnancy, and poor reproductive health.
The report also says global warming could cause wars and more refugees. So what happens when the planet get hotter? ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING BAD YOU CAN THINK OF!
Right now, you might be saying, “Hmm. It’s a little cold in my house. I think I’ll turn up the heat.” DO NOT DO IT!!! When things warm up, bad things happen. Horrible things. Rip the thermostat off the wall. No more heating! We can’t take the risk! All warmth comes straight from hell!
Like Nancy Pelosi, I finally got around to reading The Affordable Care Act, and like the government, I’d like to exempt myself from it as well. I didn’t bother reading it earlier because I was really hoping the Supreme Court would come through for me, so I know I am rather late to the party. Based upon what I’ve seen tucked away in this law, here are some of the consequences I expect we will be seeing shortly as the implementation continues.
- Unlike in the Cuban system, rats in operating rooms will not be required to wear surgical garb.
- Instead of merely pulling the plug on grandma, they will go with the much more entertaining and lucrative Shooting with the Stars or Least Dangerous Game options.
- Much of the increased revenues needed to fund the new program will come from a nationwide lottery program titled Gambling For Your Life.
- While we won’t have to worry about back alley abortions anymore, we will need to worry about back alley appendectomies, back alley by-passes, back alley chemotherapy, back alley hip replacements…..
- All hospital TV sets will be required to continuously stream Sicko.
- Anesthesia will still be available for a nominal fee.
- We won’t have to worry about those pesky nurses waking us every hour to take our pulse and our blood pressure or our temperature. Of course, we also won’t have to worry about them changing our bedpans or our sheets or our hospital gowns…..
- Due to unexpected increases in the cost of birth control, the law suggests combatting teen pregnancy by using sex education programs to encourage bestiality.
- In order to qualify under the program, hospital emergency rooms must minimally be equipped with a saw, a blow torch and a bitin’-stick.
- To further fund the program, whenever a patient undergoes a surgical procedure, the government is allowed to harvest any ‘redundant’ organs to sell on the black market.
- Anyone living on a federal pension gets first dibs on the black market organs.
- We won’t have to worry about wealthy foreigners from countries with socialized medicine coming here and using our medical resources anymore.
- Anyone found praying on hospital grounds will be hit with the $25 prayer tax. Muslims and other non-Christians are exempt.
- The head of the federal oncology treatment panel is Dr. Kevorkian.
- Given the expected waiting period to see a doctor, all babies will be born before the first prenatal visit, and most abortions will be scheduled when the baby is between 2 and 3 years of age.
- The Time Life series on Civil War and Down Home surgical techniques will sell out the first seventeen printings.
- Starting out with just a pocketknife, a Hoover and a dream, I expect to make a killing with my new chain of Liposuction/Cooking Lard Huts.
- Solyent Green will indeed be people.
A lot of people seem happy about Tim Tebow getting comeuppance for whatever awful thing it was he did.
Obama: “I put a line in the sand for Syria. And then they erased it, because it was sand. That wasn’t very well thought out.”
Kermit Gosnell is extremely uncommon in the abortion world… we assume, since no one actually wants to check.
I remember when that one basketball player came out as Asian.
Is it news that the Christian belief isn’t have sex with anybody whenever you feel like it?
Of course, that’s just Christians being silly prudes, and we have what percentage of children born out of wedlock now? Of course, that one there is a heterosexual problem.
I think something we learned from the first professional athlete coming out is that people don’t consider women to be real athletes.
I remember as a kid the only compensation for having to get up early on a weekend was that hey, at least now I can get McDonald’s breakfast. If only I were still a lazy bachelor who ate gluten, McDonalds changing its breakfast policy would be the greatest thing ever.
So are people calling it NB-Gay yet? Because ‘A’ ryhmes with “gay.” Seems inevitable.
People understand Christians aren’t going away and we’ll be having some of these same arguments hundreds of years from now, right?
2nd draft of new novel is done! I’m a writing machine!
As for the first novel I completed, still on the waiting game with that one. Don’t people know I’m important and shouldn’t wait?
[Source: Glenn McCoy – GoComics]