Slapping Hippies With Their Own Stupid Hippie Slogan

[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]

[reference link]

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Quick! I Need a Political Metaphor for This!

Frank said he’ll start taking his medications and make the voice in his head that is me disappear if I ever post a video that’s just FUN without twisting it into a political metaphor.

This video is just fun and full of SCIENCE!, so I feel compelled to post it, but I’m drawing a blank on the political metaphor. So if you give me a little help in the comments, I’d be temporarily grateful.

You know… until Frank’s meds kick in…

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #2,764,918)

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This Is What It’s Like Being a Conservative Guest on Any MSNBC Show

[High Praise! to The Looking Spoon]

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Please! Won’t Somebody Think of the Animals?

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

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Link of the Day: Satire: Both Sides Now – Abortion

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Both Sides Now – Abortion

Springeraz told me he was thinking about making “Both Sides Now” a regular feature at Nuking Politics. If you like this pilot post, be sure to leave a comment at NP and encourage him to do these on other topics.

In fact, you may even want to leave a topic suggestion over there to help get his creative juices flowing. Newbies sometimes need a little prodding.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Wisdom of the Day: Voodoo Wolf Wolverine Bigger Dzhokhar Nazi

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It’s… It’s Green

Refering to his budget, President Obama said there’s “not a lot of smoke and mirrors here”.

Yes, he’s now using the much more environmentally-friendly windmills and solar panels.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “During his secret meeting with the Saudi Foreign Minister, President Obama…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Obama Warned Us – Dreaming

America is a land of big dreamers and big hopes. It is this hope that has sustained us through revolution and civil war, depression and world war, a struggle for civil and social rights and the brink of nuclear crisis. And it is because our dreamers dreamed that we have emerged from each challenge more united, more prosperous, and more admired than before.

BARACK OBAMA, speech, Jun. 4, 2005

Welcome to your rude awakening, dreamers.

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It’s a Conspiracy!

So reader blastit had this comment to a post on the Boston Marathon bombing:

So I guess it was just a coincidence that FEMA was doing a terror training drill in boston on the same day as the marathon – and what was the training – A BOMBING.

Just like it was a coincidence that FEMA did a terror training in newtown on the same day the sandy hook shooting happened – what was their training on that day? MASS SHOOTING!

Cripes they even tried to invent an AR-15 this time around, too – but nobody ran with it and reported it all over like they did with newtown.

So while the one hand is performing a trick in front of you, pay attention to what the other hand is doing, and ask yourself about that internet security bill, the nonpartisan report that says at least our last 3 administrations, present included, have gone so far and beyond their bounds in terms of interrogation techniques….ask yourself what happened that gold was slammed down into the $1300s…ask yourself why all kinds of economic indicators tanked hard after obama’s meeting with them last week.

If you still want to believe the “official” stories, I’ve got a bridge in brooklyn to sell you and a nice big blue pill for you to take. The american people are getting set up.

I know like right after the Boston Marathon bombing, there were those Infowars types saying it was a “false flag” operation to take away our guns. Now, I’m no CIA operative trying to manipulate the public (or, at least, that’s what I want you to believe), but it seems like if you were going to create an incident to gin up support for gun control, you’d want that incident to involve guns. When people use pressure cookers to murder, that sort of goes against the whole idea you can stop murder by taking away people’s guns.

But conspiracies are fun. I’m trying to break into writing fiction, and conspiracies make great fiction. All the secrets and people manipulating things behind the scenes — it’s very mysterious and entertaining. I think conspiracy theorists should try writing government fan fiction — you know, fiction in which the government is filled with competent people who can carry off advanced, complicated conspiracies involving thousands of conspirators with no one fessing up. Good creative writing assignment right there.

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Straight Line of the Day: Great. You Made a Girl Cry. I Hope You’re Proud of Yourselves

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

(Based on a recent email query from Nuking Politics’ Anonymiss)

Why don’t you comment on Anonymiss’s Straight Line when you check for the winner of the IMAO Straight Line at Nuking Politics?

I predict the most popular answers will be:

“I’m sexist”

“I’m allergic to cookies”

“Girl questions have cooties! Ick!”

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The Aftermath

So, I guess you have to have a license to have a gun in Massachusetts, but the two loser brothers who did the Boston Marathon bombing did not have a license for the guns they used on their shootout with cops. They were running around shooting at people with guns that Massachusetts very clearly said was illegal for them to have. It’s like, come on, guys we’re a nation of laws; if you’re going to be murderous criminals, at least legally posses your guns first, you know. What’s wrong with you.

So anyway, I wonder what the government is going to do with the two brothers? Charge them on not having a firearm license, I’m guessing — which I assume means a heavy fine — and probably also question them. They didn’t read the two brothers their Miranda rights, though — they didn’t to one, because he’s dead and he’s going to remain silent whether he has a right to or not. But they didn’t to the other because… I don’t really get that. If Miranda rights are a right, then you always have them whether someone reads them to you or not. I mean, if you beat the guy with a phonebook to get him to talk, I’m pretty sure that’s inadmissible whether you read him the Miranda rights or not. But they have plenty of evidence on the surviving loser so they don’t really need his confession anyway. So get a phonebook and whack away.

Oh man, I was just thinking how phonebooks are falling out of usage now. How in the future are we going to get suspects to talk?

Anyway, of concern is how much the brothers’ Muslim-ness is involved in the attack. I guess it’s possible for someone to be a Muslim and bomb people for a completely different reason than their religion, but there does seem to be a blowing stuff up problem in the Muslim community. I mean, it’s a tiny tiny fraction of Muslims who want to blow people — especially in America — but it’s just a much much much larger percentage of people than for any other religion. This problem would be best to be handled from in the Muslim community — like a pamphlet titled “Why Being Muslim Means You Shouldn’t Blow Up People.” Whatever the effort it, they should put that Uncle Ruslan in charge of it. Now there is a Muslim who does not put up with that nonsense.

And really, if you can’t be Muslim and not blow people up, then I think you should lose your being Muslim privilege. You’ll have to find a different religion.

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Random Thoughts: Reactions from the Loser’s Capture

Yes. David Sirota is a moron and a political sociopath. Can we ignore him now?

Uh oh. Hearing about current events, Biden got a shotgun and locked himself in his room. Don’t knock.

David Sirota really shouldn’t have used that monkey paw to wish for white terrorists.

Thinking about Cheney shooting his friend and Biden’s firing through the door advice, what is it with VPs and shotgun misusage?

America is an awesome country and we appreciate your cooperation in not trying to blow it up.

I’ve been saying for a while we need to crackdown on losers in this country.

So have we completely ruled out they were protesting taxes?

Let’s not act like it means anything or is surprising that one of the suspects preferred Obama over Romney in the last election.

“If that guy Romney get elected, he’ll destroy America. Oh, by the way, DEATH TO AMERICA!”

I hope the new Superman movie has his origin story in it because I’m really curious what that is.

If your state has stricter gun laws than states with less crime and your solution is even stricter guns laws, you’re an idiot.

I mean, there’s basically and mountains and mountains of evidence that “gun control” is not the root cause problem here.

Send in the special dogs trained to eat criminals.

Is punching him in the junk considered torture? Whatever it is, just do it.

This is serious; what’s Obama doing on TV?

Obama: “I was like, ‘We should capture that guy.’ And then we did. And it was my idea. That’s why I’m president.”

Every time I see “Dzhokhar” I think “Dothraki.” I can’t be the only one.

Do you have to read a suspect his Miranda rights before you can beat him with a phone book?

I don’t get Miranda rights. They’re these magical rights you only get if a cop reads them to you?

Why don’t they just release a new edition of the Koran with the parts about blowing people up edited out?

Yes. We really need to ban .50 cal rifles to stop those zero murders a year from them. Gun control people are so smart and serious.

As I understand it, Hitler was like this anti-government, anti-tax extremist who wanted no regulations on guns.

Yay! New book contract! This one will come out in print like I’m a real author.

I get this thing called an “advance” where they send me money even though I haven’t written anything yet. That puts some pressure on me.

This will be another political humor book. Still hope to have news on my fiction getting published in not too long.

I’m rewriting “Candle in the Wind” for Dzhokhar – except it ends with stomping the candle because it isn’t dying fast enough.

Showed Buttercup a clip from the end of Empire Strikes Back. Her eyes lit up when she recognized the exchange we had been practicing.

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15 Fun Facts About Earth Day

Forgot about Earth Day until Basil reminded me this morning, and I was caught ill-prepared. My apologies, and as consolation, please accept this repost from last year as a consolation prize.

Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 23rd, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.

Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and a wife beater (pants optional) while drinking beer and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.

Since no one you know or like knows a damn thing about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…


Properly dispose of your trash and children by feeding them to The Sod Monster.

1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.

2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.

3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.

4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.

5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.

6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”

7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.

8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.

9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.

10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t give a crap about that any more.

11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.

12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.

13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.

14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.

15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.

Final thought:

Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #189,480)

Excellent parody of the above video. Unfortunately, it’s not embeddable. Just follow the link.

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Earth Day

So, today is Earth Day. And I didn’t buy Earth a card.

Maybe we should all go buy Earth a card. Think of all the trees they’d have to cut down if everyone bought Earth a card.

But, how to deliver the cards? Easy. It’s for Earth, so anywhere outside will do.

At least, that’s my suggestion for celebrating Earth Day.

How will you celebrate Earth Day?

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