Call the White House 1-800 Fix-It Hotline

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

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No, Seriously – THE Perfect Metaphor for Obamacare

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #12,577)

I’m joining the Scissors Party before it’s too late.

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The Tragicest Truth About Leftists

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

The one thing the left hates more than anything is human nature itself. It doesn’t fit their models for an utopian society. Their goal is control. They want to run the world like SimCity, and to the inferno with your personal goals, wishes, or wants. Statistics don’t complain, and neither should you. If you would just cooperate, they could form the utopian society they envisioned in their college paper.

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How to Scare Liberals With Your Keys

Cowboy Gun Door Key.

Take to any locksmith to have this key cut. Each comes as a pack of 2 key blanks.

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Link of the Day: SCIENCE! with Lactose the Intolerant

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SCIENCE! with Lactose the Intolerant

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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You’ve Been Judged!

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Listed in California’s new “Homeless Bill of Rights”…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Wisdom of the Day: Ford Batman Presidents Exempt Rushmore Draft Nukes IQ Questions

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Something Else a Bear Does in the Woods

[High Praise! to American Digest]

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Video Games: Resident Evil 6

Wow. Resident Evil 6 was a long game. It’s made of four campaigns you can play in any order, and they are four self-contained, yet interconnected stories and each plays pretty different. It’s almost like four separate games (well, three and a half). And, as usual, the story was intriguing while the dialogue was super-cliched. And, once again, the graphics were great; since the Gamecube, the Resident Evil people seem to be able to push a little extra out of one’s system graphics wise. Oh, and this is like the first Resident Evil in about a decade to actually have zombies in it.

So why was it so disappointing?

Now, once again I need to mention that Resident Evil 4 was one of the greatest games ever made. Resident Evil 5, while seeming a lot like number 4, was just vaguely disappointing. And this one followed even more in that path, somehow getting further from whatever it was that made 4 so great.

Here’s the problems I could identify:

* First and biggest, they completely neutered the whole weapon portion of the game. One of the joys of 4 was that there was different weapons to try (giving more reasons to play through again) and that you got to upgrade those weapons and become more powerful as the game progressed. This one got rid of that entirely as you now only get certain weapons during the campaign and there is no upgrading them. The only advancement your character gets are three skills you can buy with skill points and have active, but that feels less like constant advancement because often you’ll be trading in more of a lateral move (like trade higher defense for more weapon damage). Plus, the good ones take a lot of saving up to get to so you might be buying new ones pretty seldom. Anyway, this part was a huge step backwards.

* The game is very linear. 4 had some big areas you could explore and backtrack through. 5 had less of that. 6 pretty much gets rid of that entirely. It’s much more like a movie, and it has lots of scripted events constantly pushing you in one direction. I really miss the exploring and hunting for treasure which is almost gone entirely.

* The inventory limitations were annoying. That’s always been so in Resident Evil, but it felt more so in this one where eventually you’re deciding whether to keep reloads for a weapon or have room to pick up two herbs and mix them. And some of it is so arbitrary; for instance, you can keep around a 125 round of handgun ammo in one slot but only 60 of rifle rounds that your automatic rifle will quickly burn through. Plus, I really miss the inventory system of 4 where things took up slots based on size and you could make more logical choices of what to keep (and sell off what you didn’t want). Of course, for that, you’d need to be able to pause to go into inventory, and that doesn’t work for coop.

* Stop building Resident Evil around coop! They started that with 5, and I thought they would have learned their mistake. It’s just stupid to have to fit in two players constantly and it must really shackle the game designers in what they can do. One campaign is built around having just one player, but they do allow a second magical coop character if you’re one of those people in love with coop in Resident Evil games. And if you are, you’re worse than Hitler.

* The save system is horrible. You see “Checkpoint Reached” pretty constantly, but that only applies to your current game. If you want to keep your progress, you have to wait until you get to a section where “Saving” appears (you see that each time you restart after dying, but that one doesn’t count). These save section can be like twenty minutes or more of game time between them. Was this game made in the 1990s? Twenty minutes between checkpoints is just unconscionable these days. Allow someone to stop the game and pick it back up again wherever; we have the technology, people.

Also, I just miss the typewriter areas from 4 and previous. You’d be fighting for your life and then have this little respite when you’d hear the save room song. That’s a big thing to be missing.

I have a few other gripes (like the same button being used for both shooting your gun and melee which seemed clunky), but they seem minor. The issue is that Resident Evil 4 was one of the greatest games ever, and this one was okay but forgettable and I’m trying to understand why. Come on, Capcom. Figure this out and finally make a worthy follow up to 4 next time.

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Obama Warned Us – Empathy

We live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained.

BARACK OBAMA, speech, Jul. 12, 2006

What is “safe” doing on that list of things he says we shouldn’t want “too often”?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but since he brought up “empathy” his message is “you shouldn’t feel X because other people aren’t”.

Again… what is “safe” doing on that list?

Also, is that whole list some sort of racist dog-whistle for “white”?

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Straight Line of the Day: What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

What’s wrong with this picture?…

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A Happy Story Involving Punching

A lot of bad stuff has been in the news lately, so it’s nice to have a happy story. So, a female US navy sailor was on a bus in Dubai. And the bus driver pulled out a knife and tried to rape her. And she then pummeled the guy.

This seems like a good cultural exchange. Think of how much better Saudi Arabia would be if we had more American women pummel their rapists. And then some Saudis would be like, “Women shouldn’t do that. They must be accompanied by men and–” And then those guys objecting would get pummeled too. In fact, there is probably a lot — A LOT — of people who need to get thorough beating in Saudi Arabia to really straighten that country out, so we might as well get started. Because we care.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “The most surprising item in the new Benghazi Report…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Random Thoughts: Chemical Attacks, Library, and Chris Matthews

Are we getting another war in the Middle East?

Wish I was an expert giving smart comments on big news. Maybe one day the big news item will be something I know a lot about, like Legend of Zelda.

So how many more turns do you think it is before our enemies in the Middle East get the drone technology?

Why are the Syria announcements while Obama is at the Dubya presidential library? “Quick; Obama is gone; let’s get important stuff done!”

If there are chemical attacks, I’m just glad we have Hagel, Kerry, and a sack of potatoes in charge. Oh; we don’t have a sack of potatoes?

Just thinking of going to some organic, hippie weapon store. “Our weapons are all chemical free!”

Was once told at a candle store the candles were “chemical free.” Bull. All matter is chemicals.

Do kids these days even know how to get past the alligators in Pitfall?

BTW, I got through the alligators by going the wrong direction so if you died, you ended up on the opposite side of the pond.

The Bush presidential library opening is making me nostalgic for the times we had presidents who were somewhat less horrible.

Being a terrorist puts the rest of your family in a really awkward position.

Obama: “There are other color lines that come after red.”

I’m pro-choice in that the less money the government takes from you, the more choices you have.

Journalism school is an actual thing? I thought when people referenced that they were just being ironic.

By the time I finish my presidency, instead of presidential library I’ll get to dedicate a filled Kindle.

Chris Matthews could get his tongue stuck to a flagpole and it wouldn’t make his top 1000 list of stupid.

Unless he did it in the summer.

Actually, I could see that: “I wanted to know what glue tasted like and then I wanted to know what the flagpole tasted like. Hardball!”

I don’t think most of our country’s current problems are solvable. Only good solution is to do a reboot on the U.S. and get new plotlines.

But not a darker grittier reboot.

Think of the American Revolution… but set in the modern era with a younger, more diverse cast.

Probably want to gender swap some of the main roles like they did with Starbuck in BSG.

And maybe Benjamin Franklin could be a dog this time… I’m just spitballing here.

Somehow I missed this in all the years of hearing incoherent screams: What exactly are the awful things the Kochs are supposed to have done?

The Boston bombers got welfare benefits? Man, I’d least hope American terrorists would be self-sufficient.

So how much longer is the New York Times going to be around?

When I think of what books would be in Chris Matthews’s library, I imagine Hop on Pop with a chewed up cover.

There’s something about your look of disgust at me I just don’t believe. #InfoWarsPickupLines

If you don’t go out with me, I’ll be blue… and not just because I ingested too much colloidal silver. #InfoWarsPickupLines

Heaven must be missing an angel… and if so, I blame the Jews. #InfoWarsPickUpLines

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A Democrat’s Idea of Progress

After being defeated on gun control, now Harry Reid is eyeing an internet sales tax.

Following the trend, my best guess is that his next bill will be to mandate kicking puppies.

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