Happy Birthday, Income Tax!

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

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Don’t Hate on the Bacon

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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Keeping an Eye on the Dangerous Guy

[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld]

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Turns Out No Knowledge Is Even More Dangerous Than a Little Knowledge

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

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Link of the Day: A Utopian Dream for the Rest of Us

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

The Last Progressive

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Wisdom of the Day: Penguin Gosnell Bless Passive Funny Scar

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You’ve Been Judged!

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “What’s wrong with this picture?

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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See? This Is Why America Needs to Adopt IMAO’s Strict NO IRISH! Policy

[High Praise! to VW Bug]

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled…

“Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.

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Up for Grabs

I meant to mention this in my Resident Evil 6 write up, but I have a free copy of Resident Evil 5 (got it for pre-ordering 6, but I already have a copy). Anyone want?


Sorry, meant to say it’s a free Steam copy — i.e., for PC digital download.


It has been claimed!

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Obama Warned Us – Faith

Secularists are wrong when they ask believers to leave their religion at the door before entering into the public square. Frederick Douglas, Abraham Lincoln, Williams Jennings Bryant, Dorothy Day, Martin Luther King – indeed, the majority of great reformers in American history – were not only motivated by faith, but repeatedly used religious language to argue for their cause. So to say that men and women should not inject their “personal morality” into public policy debates is a practical absurdity. Our law is by definition a codification of morality, much of it grounded in the Judeo-Christian tradition.

BARACK OBAMA, Jun. 28, 2006

“Just don’t be like those private-sector Bible-thumpers at Chik-Fil-A.”

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A Baby Gift for Frank J

In appreciation for this rather unexpected opportunity to guest post at IMAO, I’d like to offer Frank J the one thing that new parents value more than just about anything else: unsolicited parenting advice. I still have five children that I have been unable to unload on either the Chinese or Gypsy black markets, so I know a thing or two about dealing with recalcitrant babies.

Questions? Questions? Questions? New parents can come up with three questions. How do you stop a baby from crying? How do you get them to sleep through the night? How do you keep them from climbing out of their cribs and coming to your bed?

If we learned anything from Avatar, it is that anything primitive cultures do is beautiful and lovely and in complete harmony with the universe. And, if we learned anything from Macgyver, it is that the solution to any problem can be created from items found in a typical garage, Radio Shack or high school chemistry lab. My parenting techniques combine the ancient, irrefutable wisdom of the primitive and the modern know how of Macgyver.

Let me tell you how to raise your little primitives the Macgyver way.

How do I stop my baby from crying/How do I get my baby to sleep through the night?

The solution to both these issues is the same, and it is very simple to construct and implement. It is based upon the wisdom of the Native Americans. To Native American women and children, the ability to hide in silence from a war party was a matter of life and death. A crying infant was often not just a nuisance but a death sentence, and all Native American mothers trained their infants to be silent from birth. Their technique was simple. Whenever the baby cried, the mother would firmly clasp her hand over the baby’s mouth and nose, suffocating it for a short while. The baby would soon be conditioned not to cry. It was a beautiful thing.

However, without the threat of constant danger, modern mothers find this technique unpalatable and observers might decide to turn them into the authorities when such techniques are witnessed. But, with the application of the Macgyver method, the same principles can be applied without having to subject the mother to the undue stress of apparently being cruel to her child, and the treatment can be done entirely in the privacy of one’s own home. The solution comes in the form of a small device that can be attached to a mobile hung above the baby’s crib. When the baby is silent, the device will emit the soothing smells of lilac and huckleberry. When the baby cries, the device will emit a soft, calming mist of pepper spray. In no time at all, the baby will learn not to cry. But will the baby be sleeping throughout the night? Who knows for sure? But it will surely sound like he/she is sleeping through the night.

Items needed to construct: Two sound activated switches, reversible motor, can of lilac/honeysuckle air freshener, a can of pepper spray (mace or bear mace may be required if the baby is older than 3 months), stickers, bangles, etc to disguise the device from nosy neighbors/relatives/state officials/etc.

How do you keep infants from climbing out of their cribs and coming to your bed?

The ancient Zulus would keep their children in their beds by erecting thorny fortifications around the bed so the child would be pricked and stuck and prevented from escaping. The Macgyver solution to this problem is more modern and very simple, and it requires only a small quantity of conductive foil, wires or strips, super glue, jumper cables and a car battery. Simply glue the conductive material all the way around the perimeter of the crib rails and connect them to the car battery with the jumper cables. The final step is a simple demonstration. While the child is watching, merely ground the cat and use it to close the circuit. The precocious child will then have learned that he/she doesn’t really want to climb out of the crib. For the less intelligent child, it is recommended that you first teach them not to cry before implementing this technique, unless you want a few unnecessary interruptions of your sleep.

Bonus tip: How do I keep my children from running around like a bunch of hellions?

The simple solution to this problem can be learned from the ancient Peruvians, and it merely involves understanding the proper nutrition your child needs in order to thrive, and then withholding it. The diet of the ancient Peruvians consisted mostly of boiled beans. The adults and older children would eat the beans while the water the beans were cooked in was reserved for the infants and babies. The water contained barely enough nutrition to sustain the children’s lives. Their bodies were too busy just struggling to survive, leaving no energy for shenanigans. Not even Macgyver can top the simplicity of this approach.

But this is only a taste of the ancient parenting secrets now available. For more child-rearing tips, see Uncle Sid’s Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions. It’s only $5.99 at Amazon, and all the proceeds go to a charity that helps minorities in third world countries get education and job training.

Note: The safety and efficacy of these parenting tips has been conducted under carefully controlled conditions using rogue midgets (I’m sorry, little people) provided by Nevada Corrections. Nevada Corrections was so impressed with the results, they have begun implementing the program in Juvenile and midget facilities. Very few midgets were harmed in the development of this program. Can you even harm a midget? They’re freaky, and I’m pretty sure they are soulless and have no feelings.

[Cross-posted from Nuking Politics]

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Straight Line of the Day: The Funniest Thing at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The funniest thing at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner

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There Are Lots of Different Colored Lines

So Obama very publicly declared a red line if Syria used chemical weapons. And now Syria has used chemical weapons. And now Obama is like, “Well, there are other colors than red. Now if he goes over the green line, well… who knows what color line will come next.”

I guess he never actually thought Syria would use chemical weapons, thus he could sound tough threatening them and then never actually have to do anything. He’s of the “speak loudly and carry a cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels” school of diplomacy. Well, other countries are certainly going to take our threats seriously in the future and not cause us to have to respond to their violence.

I assert that the closest we ever were to being nuked was during the Carter presidency. When people sense weakness, that is when they attack. At least, Syria is only attacking others… with horrible chemical weapons of course since they didn’t take Obama seriously. They called that one right.

I thought Obama’s plan to keep his daughters from getting tattoos was cute, but did he declare a red line on that?

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Random Thoughts: Guns, Krugman, and Star Wars in Star Trek

If politics ever turns against gun owners, they have an ace up their sleeves: They own lots of guns.

Why does Planned Parenthood have fundraisers? Infanticide is very profitable.

I didn’t know foreign countries would give you video games if you’re president. Again, I’ll be old enough to be president in 2016.

The pen is mightier than the sword, but you don’t tend to chew on a sword when you’re holding it.

You live your whole life a civilized human being, but put a plastic pen in your hand and you chew on it like you’re a labrador.

Working on my third book now for HarperCollins — and this one will be out in print and a self-help book.

It probably won’t actually help you.

That’s strangely satisfying that now when you click the unfollow button in Twitter, you actually see the followers tick down one.


So have the characters in Star Trek seen the Star Wars movies? Think they’d make a Star Wars related joke doing space stuff all the time.

If I were a character in Star Trek, I’d totally pretend my phaser was a lightsaber handle.

And why don’t Star Trek movies start with “Long from now in a galaxy that is this one…”?

Don’t get the point in brushing Buttercup’s baby teeth. No matter how good a care we take of them, they’re going to fall out.

Paul Krugman exudes a level of stupid you’d usually only get from college kid who is over sure of himself.

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The break-up

I’m not sure I expected this day would come, but it has. And break-ups, despite their necessity, are never easy.

I fell in love at first sight. We were so compatible, it seemed. We went many places together, and I found the whole relationship to be very satisfying.

Oh, sure, there were the occasional problems. Many times, it was because when the situation required my input, I would totally screw it up. But, on those situations, I’d realize my mistake and make it right.

However, the misleading things from the other in the relationship began to gnaw at me. And, one day, I had simply had enough. I knew a break-up was inevitable.

And, being a guy, I did what any guy would do: I began looking for … well, let’s just say I wasn’t entirely faithful.

Now, I’m moving on. The relationship is over and I’ve severed ties.

Despite everything, I’m not bitter, and I truly believe I would be welcome back. But, I really don’t think it’ll happen.

So, Waze, you were a pretty good GPS for my iPhone, but I’m now with Google Maps. Still, I truly do wish you the best.

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