Killer Gun Rampage… Kinda Boring, Actually

[High Praise! to Les of Nuking Politics and IJR]

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Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Stevens 320 right in the doorway. I gave it 6 shells, and noticing that it had no legs, even placed it in my wheelchair to help it get around. I then left it alone and went about my business…

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign right in front of our house. After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there in the wheelchair, right where I had left it.

It hadn’t rolled itself outside. It certainly hadn’t killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn’t even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong, and it’s the misuse of guns by PEOPLE that kills people, or I’m in possession of the laziest gun in the world. Alright, well I’m off to check on my spoons. I hear they’re making people fat.
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12 Comments

  1. You’d better watch out for those knives too. In two instances they went ape crap and in China stabbed a group of school children and in Houston stabbed 14 people in the face. Make sure you lock them up when your not watching them.

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  2. How long were you gone — about sig sauers?

    ha ha ha. No, seriously, sticking to the point: you should check your driveway to see if your car veered out of control, ran into someone, or crashed into anything. They do that a lot in the newspapers. Drivers are rarely mentioned.

    “Get off the lawn or I’ll bust a handicap in your ass!” — Porch Rifle from its wheelchair.

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  3. It’s kind of like the difference between a Labrador Retriever and a Rottweiler; they’re both big dogs, but one will fetch you the newspaper, and the other (if true to reputation) will fetch you the newsboys’ arm.

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  4. This whole article is offensive and demeaning! Making fun of the handicapable and degrading the noble purpose of a wheelchair like that! The lives of the handicapable are deserving of more respect than that which is shown in this thread! UGH!! You underendowed men with your gun humor make me sick! I am SO glad that I will NEVER bring a male child into this sexist, retrograde, capitalistic world!! Don’t you realize that GUNS are DANGEROUS?!? No, of course you don’t! You’re MEN with your monster trucks and loud Ted Nugent and burping and farting and barely being able to use big words! Silly me, what was I thinking? Now go slouch around dragging your knuckles behind you like typical men!

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