Classic SCIENCE! Television – Better Off Ted Conclusion

Posted on May 11, 2013 12:15 pm

LINDA walking angrily down rows of cubicles toward TED’s office.

VERONICA intercepts her.

VERONICA: Great news, Linda. It’s the taxpayers to the rescue again. Turns out the government has given us a $50 million grant to develop an antidote to the permanent makeup.

LINDA: That is so great. Do you think I’ll be better by the end of the week?

VERONICA: Absolutely not. Two, three years tops.

LINDA: Three years?

VERONICA: The longer we take, the more taxpayer money we can milk this for, but don’t worry. The company takes care of its own. Here are some coupons for ten percent off hair removal.

LINDA: What? That’s all?

VERONICA (holds up a vial): Well, Phil and Lem are working on a new hair removal microbe.

Smash cut: Laboratory. PHIL and LEM are huddled naked and hairless in opposite corners of the lab.

LEM: Well, at least I won’t have to look at that ridiculous hairdo any more.

PHIL: It’s alright. I was going to get rid of it tomorrow anyway.

LEM: Your wife wouldn’t let you keep it?

PHIL: Yeah. Right back in the closet with all of that. You are so lucky to be single.

LEM: Well, for what it’s worth, sometimes you can be a little bit evil.

PHIL: Thank you Lem. Thank you.

Smash cut back to LINDA and VERONICA.

LINDA: I’ll take the coupons. By the way, why is the government interested in developing an antidote for a product that never even made it to market?

VERONICA: Let’s just say that a lot of pissed off Congressmen’s wives and mistresses have come through for us again. Praise Darwin for the American system.

LINDA: Wait a minute. How long have you known about this?

VERONICA: Since yesterday. Some of the higher ups and I have been watching you on the security cameras all day. You are very entertaining.

LINDA: Now YOU are evil.

VERONICA: What a very nice thing for you to say. (raises eyebrows coyly and walks away).

Fade out and roll credits.

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