Politics has a math of its own. Whereas a scientifically minded person might see things this way: One person who says 2+2=5 is an idiot; two people who think 2+2=5 are two idiots; and a million people who think 2+2=5 are a whole lot of idiots – political math works differently. Let’s work backwards: if a million people think 2+2=5, then they are not a million idiots, but a “constituency.” If they are growing in number, they are also a “movement.” And, if you were not only the first person to proclaim 2+2=5, but you were the first to persuade others, then you, my friend, are not an idiot, but a visionary.
Archive for July, 2013
A new telephone poll shows that 60% of physicians said it is likely many doctors will retire earlier than planned because of Obamacare.
The other 40% had already had their phones disconnected.
Two great takeaways from this post by Hunter:
1) Strictly in terms of holiday fun, Independence Day beats up Christmas and steals its lunch money.
2) Everything you need to know about Islam can be learned from their wacky moon-calendar.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
id make a terrible cowboy im would try to hug all the cactuses
— secret egg!! (@raresecretegg) July 30, 2013
Amazon says it will create 7,000 new jobs. 5,000 of them are "shooing foxes out of abandoned Barnes & Nobles."
— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) July 30, 2013
I imagine Bloomberg stomping around his office, throwing things, screaming "FINE! We'll just let people eat what they WANT! Like SAVAGES!"
— Popehat (@Popehat) July 30, 2013
R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" should play every time anyone takes a bite into a microwave burrito.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) July 30, 2013
if white house calculated jobs created by Keystone Pipeline with formula they use for "green jobs" creation, it'd be 2 million new jobs
— David Harsanyi (@davidharsanyi) July 30, 2013
There are people in this country that use explosives to shoot anvils in the air for sport. That is American exceptionalism.
— Stephen Gutowski (@collegepolitico) July 30, 2013
Kopel: NY Court enforces Portion Cap; Bloomberg may not consume power which exceeds the portion he has been allocated by the Constitution.
— Dave Kopel (@davekopel) July 30, 2013
When asked what the federal government could do to help Detroit after its bankruptcy, Joe Biden said “we don’t know at this point.”
Well, that didn’t stop them BEFORE the bankruptcy.
We have to acknowledge the progress we made, but understand that we still have a long way to go. That things are better, but still not good enough.
BARACK OBAMA, Larry King Live, Oct. 19, 2006
“When will it finally be good enough? When I make this country hit rock bottom.”
So apparently there were a bunch of Hitlers in Ohio. You’re probably saying, “Yeah, okay, makes sense.” But here’s the thing: Apparently there once was such a person as “Dr. Gay Hitler” …who was born to George Washington Hitler!
I don’t have a joke here. It just seems like something people should know. That Dr. Gay Hitler was a real person.
Man, I can just imagine what would happen if Dr. Gay Hitler and George Washington Hitler teamed up. My guess is that Dr. Gay Hitler would be some sort of flamboyant mad scientist and that George Washington Hitler would be someone with the military leadership of George Washington but the evil of Hitler (and also had wooden teeth). Probably in some alternate universe Dr. Gay Hitler and George Washington Hitler did take over the world — unless Chuck Norris Patton stopped them.
Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Jimmy Carter Is Planning to Visit North Korea, Where He Will…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Straight Line of the Day: A Saudi Prince Warned That Fracking Is a Threat to His Kingdom. Also a Threat…Wednesday, July 31, 2013 12:00 pm
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
A Saudi prince warned that fracking is a threat to his kingdom. Also a threat…
(Note: “fracking” is a “controversial” technique that makes oil and natural gas wells more productive)
I suggested this a while ago as advice for Obama during the 2010 midterms (which he didn’t take and then the Dems got creamed), but now I’m going to suggest this as the absolute best economic policy Obama is capable of: He should get trapped down a well.
Think about it. We’ll turn on the news (just pretend this is the 90’s and we still turn on the TV for news instead of going to the Twitters because dramatically that works better) and we see this report: “While out on a stroll, President Obama fell down a well and became trapped. And he is very scared.” And then there will be a picture of Obama down in the well with his big puppy dog eyes looking all frightened and our hearts will just break.
Soon, Joe Biden would be on TV looking all befuddled (well, more than usual). “I guess I’m acting president… I don’t know. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. But there is one thing we all can do: We can work extra hard and turn this economy around for that brave little guy trapped down the well!”
And we will work extra hard, because that poor little fella needs us to do that to show him support! And businesses will soon realize: “Hey, since Obama is trapped down a well, he can’t pass anymore idiotic legislation. We’re safe for now!” The businesses, feeling more secure, will start expanding. We’ll soon have a booming economy.
Eventually, they’ll get Obama out of the well, and then they’ll tell him about the great economy he now has, and then he’ll pump his little fists in the air and yell, “I did it!”
And then maybe he’ll try to pass more legislation and ruin everything, but we’ll have a good economy for a while.
So, anyway, foolproof plan for Obama to get the economy growing: Get trapped down a well.
Email me if you need my PO Box to send me a Nobel Prize in Economics.
You know about Jetman, right? In case you don’t, Jetman is some Swiss dude names Yves Rossy who wears a jet.
No, this isn’t some silly cartoon character. Or a Robert Downey, Jr. movie about some silly comic book character.
This is a real thing, where the fellow straps on wings and jet engines and flies around.
Jetman is in Wisconsin this week, and was flying around at the AirVenture show in Oshkosh. He flew around next to a B-17, and had some other stuff scheduled. Sounds like fun.
[Direct link: CBS]
What use can we make of this technology?
Well, it could be a James Bond thing. Or could have been. I could see Sean Connery’s James Bond doing this; he wore that Jetpack in Thunderball. I can see Roger Moore’s James Bond doing this; he flew that little Mr. Bean-looking jet in Octopussy. Maybe even Pierce Brosnan’s Bond. Not so sure about that new guy, though. Is this the kind of thing Daniel Craig’s James Bond would do? I don’t know. He just doesn’t strike me as a throw-on-a-jet kind of fellow. Maybe I’m wrong.
So, if not a James Bond gadget, what good is it?
Well, if we put laser beams or rocket launchers on it, we could use it to shoot laser beams or launch rockets at things. Other than that, I got nothing.
So, help me out here. What would you do with a Jetman outfit? What use could we make of this technology?
Know what would be funny? If we impeach Obama for his abuse of power of unilaterally delaying Obamacare even though we hate it.
Don’t need voter ID because there’s no evidence of voter fraud… which we can never get because we never ask for ID.
I’m a computer programmer. You don’t see an obvious flaw in a system and then do nothing until there’s a very public hack.
Well, that’s just bombast. Software companies do that all the time, actually.
I really don’t think the politicians in D.C. are capable of any bargains one might characterize as “grand.”
Anytime Obama calls me, I let it go to voicemail. That guy just drones on and on about himself.
Plus, I think he’s lonely.
My favorite episodes of Breaking Bad were the ones that focused on Frankie Muniz.
Thanks to his not guilty on aiding the enemy, Manning will go to prison a free man.
So is Kindle ever going to let me set it so it open new books to the cover and not whatever it considers the first page?
Who are these people in these giant reading rushes Kindle is catering to that they need to get to main content RIGHT NOW?
If the ingredients has sugar instead of corn syrup, that means it’s health food, right?
You shout “You fool! You’ll kill us all!” enough times, you start to think you should get new friends.
Maybe Obama should sit quietly while Rick Perry explains to him what policies help with job growth.
I just want to the government to be forthright about the things it won’t tell me.
I’m not for shutting down the government if they’re later planning to start it back up again.
I thought the point of freedom was that people got run their businesses their own way without know-nothing morons interfering?
“Running a business, pricing products, and setting salaries is so simple I’ve never even bothered to try doing it.”
Freedom means everyone get to express their own idiotic opinions but they don’t get to inflict them on each other.
I did a study that if HuffPo actually paid its writers, it wouldn’t have any effect on the cost of HuffPo articles to consumers.
If you were actually worth more money, you wouldn’t have to whine to the government to get it for you.
[Source: Bob Gorrell – GoComics]
Most people who post this picture are pointing out that the Post Office box isn’t as nice as the private delivery companies boxes, but it’s just as important to note that the local library drop box is nice looking, too.
My point being that if you can’t privatize something, it’s at least better to let it be handled by the smallest government entity possible.
after knocking him to the ground, Martin straddled the racist stalker, started raining down punches and was doing his level best to pound his head into a bloody blob on the sidewalk. Again, this is without question — eyewitness reports confirm it.
Still, despite everything that we conceded in the first paragraph, at this point no crime had been committed besides the assault and battery by Trayvon Martin.
Alright, now replace George Zimmerman with Al Sharpton, Chris Matthews or Jesse Jackson. If they were laying their getting smashed by the 6’2″ 175 pound young man, would they have committed what they are claiming was 2nd degree murder?
If any of these so-called men say that if at that point they would not have shot Trayvon Martin to save their own sorry butts, they are lying.
Once upon a time, there was a bald guy who had a dream. Actually, we should be nice to Ty, our GeekLabs leader. He’s not entirely bald. (But he is evil at times.) Of course, someone beat us to attaching a real laser to a real shark. But we wanted something you could hold and enjoy with the whole evil family. Hence, the Shark with Frickin’ Laser Pointer was born.
Feel like you’ve just received your Doctorate of Evil Affairs when you whip out the Shark With Frickin’ Laser Pointer and use it in your next big meeting… or to exercise your cat. Now that this dream has come true, what’s next, baby?