So what’s the biggest problem facing our country? Well, obviously it’s all those fat kids waddling about. They threaten the very essence of our nation with their Cheeto dust-stained fingers and their chocolate covered faces. What if we get in a new world war but all we have are tubby piles of goo to put up against cyber-nazis? America would be over.
But good news: Childhood obesity is starting to decline. So in all this darkness, there is hope for this nation after all. And I think long after President Barack Obama is forgotten (because we’ll probably decide to have a redo on the first black president since it’s so important to get that right), his wife will be remembered as a savior of this nation for her fight against fat kids. As Michelle Obama always say, “I hate you fat kids and your freakish sausage fingers. Get away from me!” Words that will be long remembered.