Archive for September, 2013
while it’s fine to be “outraged” at the horrors of chemical weapons usage… one just MIGHT want to be outraged at the unspeakable crimes against humanity committed by Islamic radicals Every. Day. Of. The. Week.
Or else one might just be a filthy hypocrite.
Not that you lugs deserve such kindness, but Anonymiss has gone back and judged all the straight lines that were posted in her absence.
I’d say you guys owe HER cookies now.
Australia’s new conservative government abolished a climate change commission set up by the previous administration in an attempt to streamline bureaucracy.
Now added to the list of things we can blame on global warming – smaller government.
Relationship status: Changing the Siri voice to male and making him tell me I'm pretty every morning.
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) September 27, 2013
I cry at the end of sandwiches.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 27, 2013
So, is today "social conservatives are anarchists" day or "GOP is like Hitler because it wants small government" day?
— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) September 27, 2013
On the cover of today's Popular Mechanics it's Tony, a guy who owns a pool
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) September 27, 2013
Dear Mr. President: Obamacare is your baby. We'd rather not be punished with it. Love, America
— angelaisms (@angelaisms) September 27, 2013
Your body is a McDonaldland
— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) September 27, 2013
in local news, pot smoking becomes popular amongst teens. one man fights against it using a sign in his yard that says "stay off the grass"
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) September 27, 2013
Hug your meth dealer, everyone. I know I will.
— David C Bell (@MovieHooligan) September 30, 2013
In a letter to a constituent, Democrat Senator Mary Landrieu denied that Congress is getting special treatment under Obamacare.
I’m just shocked anyone’s getting ANY kind of treatment under Obamacare.
Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Ted Cruz’s Obamacare Filibuster Included a Reading of “Green Eggs and Ham”. Obama’s Response…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, I’ll have a new line for you tomorrow.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Nowhere is it ordained that history moves in a straight line.
BARACK OBAMA, The Audacity of Hope
“Or red ones.”
Reader Bix Dugan did this based on a Random Thought of mine, and I thought it was pretty cool:
Or was that how that book actually ended?
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
The mascot for Obamacare: a “sad panda“. Other mascots…
“So, Lily, do you understand why lying is wrong,” Bob asked his little daughter.
She stared at the floor. “Yes.”
“We’re very disappointed,” Bob’s wife Deborah added.
The doorbell rang. Bob hesitantly went to answer it.
“Hi, Bob!” exclaimed a smiling president Obama. “Are you busy?”
Bob tried to come up with an excuse, but he didn’t think of one quickly enough. “What do you need, Mr. President?”
“I’m just going around seeing how I’m improving everyone’s lives,” Obama said, letting himself in.
“Are you sure you couldn’t do that better from afar?” Bob asked. He then noticed a bunch of union workers mulling around outside. “What are they here for?”
“Don’t mind them.” Obama looked to Deborah and Lily. “Hi, ladies. Don’t worry your abortions are safe.”
Deborah looked very unamused. “That’s great.”
“What’s an abortion?” Lily asked.
Obama kneeled down to see Lily eye to eye. “Well, it’s this wonderful thing where–”
Bob pulled Obama back to standing. “Please don’t.”
“So what are you up to?” Obama asked, looking around. He then saw a number of papers laid out on a coffee table. “Oh, looking over health plans! Obamacare is going into full effect soon! Everyone is going to love it! Are you excited?”
Bob sighed. “It’s like Christmas in October.”
Obama picked up a sheet of paper. “What’s this?”
“That’s the plan we currently have,” Bob said. “We really like that one.”
Obama shook his head. “It’s too good. We need you to get a cheaper plan.”
“But didn’t at the start of this whole Obamacare thing,” Deborah said, “you told everyone that if they liked their plan, they could keep it?”
Obama shrugged. “I say lots of things. You can’t honestly expect me to keep track of all the things I say.”
“When you say something that isn’t true,” Lily told the president, “that’s lying and it’s bad.”
Obama stared at the little girl a moment and then looked at Bob. “Your daughter is out of control; do something about her.”
“I might have to back her up on this one and–” Bob was interrupted by Lily crying. Bob looked around to see a horrible, taut visage smiling at him. Nancy Pelosi.
“I invited Nancy Pelosi to help tell everyone how great Obamacare is,” Obama said.
“I’m sure she’ll be as influential as you are,” Bob answered as he watched Lily run off to the kitchen.
“Obamacare is going to be great!” Pelosi exclaimed. “Are you all excited?”
“We’d really rather you left our insurance alone,” Deborah said.
“Oh no; you’re going to love it,” Pelosi said.
“What about it are we going to love?” Bob asked.
Pelosi looked confused. “I don’t really know what’s in it yet. We’re still figuring it out. But that’s what makes it so great; it’s like a wrapped present or a pinata or… uh…”
“Time bomb,” Bob suggested.
“Don’t be silly; it’s going to be great and you’re going to love it,” Pelosi said. “I can’t wait for it. I mean, my staff and I are exempt from it, but I’m sure I’ll know it’s working from the smiling face–”
Pelosi was interrupted by Lily throwing a glass of water on Pelosi. “Lily!” Bob shouted. Lily ran back for the kitchen. Bob then noticed the union works coming into their house carrying buckets of paint. “What’s going on?”
“We’re so happy to improve everyone’s lives with Obamacare,” Obama explained, “we’re now going to try and help in other areas too.”
“Are they going to paint the walls?” Deborah asked, looking panicked.
“Yes!” Obama answered. “You’re going to love it.”
Deborah looked warily at the buckets of paint. “What color is it?”
“We have to put the paint on your walls to find out what color it is,” Pelosi said.
Deborah looked at the president. “I don’t want this!”
“Well, if you like your current house color, you can keep it,” Obama assured her.
“I want to keep it!”
A union worked started slapping a sickly-looking green on the wall. “Too late!” Obama said. “We started; might as well finish.”
Deborah clutched her face. “This is horrible.”
“It might look a little odd now,” Pelosi told her. “But once it’s all done, I’m sure you’ll love it. Why–”
Lily ran up and threw another glass of water on Pelosi.
“Lily, no!” Bob yelled.
Lily stared at Pelosi for a couple seconds and then ran back for the kitchen.
Bob turned to Obama. “I want a stop to this now.”
“Or what?” Obama laughed. “You’ll shut down the government? Come on. This is great; you love it.”
Deborah noticed union workers picking up her couch. “What’s going on now?”
“New furniture!” Pelosi exclaimed. “Isn’t that wonderful?”
“I don’t want knew furniture,” Deborah pleaded with Obama.
“Well, if you want your old couch, you can keep it,” Obama promised her.
“I. Want. To. Keep. It,” Deborah said very carefully.
“Too late!” Obama said. “They already set it on fire on your front lawn. But that couch was too excessive anyway. We’re going to get you a nice futon — once the futon exchange is set up. You’re loving this, aren’t you?”
“Isn’t this the best thing ever?” Pelosi smiled to the point it looked like her face would break. “Isn’t it wonderful? We’re all–”
Lily ran over and threw another glass of water on Pelosi. She stared at Pelosi a couple seconds and then frowned. “It’s not working!”
“Lily, stop trying to melt the minority leader!” Bob yelled.
“Why don’t you go upstairs before they try and replace you,” Deborah said.
“You have to stop this all now!” Bob said to Obama firmly as Pelosi went to find a towel.
Obama frowned. “I’m helping; I’m making things better.”
“If people say they don’t want your help,” Bob said. “Maybe you should listen.”
“That’s stupid,” Obama answered. “You can’t help people by listening to them.”
“And why do you think that?”
Obama frowned and looked to the ground. “Because all people say is for me to leave them alone.”
Bob put his hand on Obama’s shoulder. “That’s because you’re horrible at everything and the best way you could help people would be to find some field far out of everyone’s way, dig a hole there, and then sit in that hole and stay there.”
“Bob!” Deborah chided him.
“I’m just trying to be honest with him. He needs to–” Bob yelped in pain. “You stepped on my foot!”
Obama smiled. “You love that!”
So, the government is gonna shut down?
Here’s what I don’t understand, though, and I’m hoping some of the smart people around here can explain it to me.
The government doesn’t really shut down. Some of it keeps going. I think they say “essential services” stay running, but a lot of government employees will be sent home, according to news reports:
If Congress fails to fund the federal government by Oct. 1, the start of the new fiscal year, the government will go into partial shutdown. Some government functions – those deemed essential – will continue as usual, while others will be suspended. If a shutdown proceeds the way it would have in 2011 (had the last funding impasse had not been resolved in time), 800,000 of 2.1 million federal employees would be furloughed.
And that’s what I don’t understand. Why is the government doing anything other than essential services in the first place? I mean, if it’s not essential, why is the government doing it?
That’s easy. Because people want you and me to pay for their stuff. It’s totally unreasonable to expect people who want things to actually go out and get a job and buy stuff, when they have the government spending other people’s money to give them things.
Now, the media is gonna play this whole thing as the mean ol’ Republicans — especially those influenced by the Evil Tea Party — not caring for women and babies and such.
But don’t blame the GOP. Or the TEA Party.
Blame me. I’d love to get credit for shutting down non-essential government services. So, if you’re one of those leeches that live off the government and you’re impacted by the shutdown of non-essential services, maybe you’re non-essential.
So go make yourself essential, grow up, and become a productive member of society.
Or be your normal self. As long as the non-essential services aren’t supplying non-essential people with non-essentials, I’m good with it.
Sabotage Obamacare? That’s like sabotaging a time bomb. Usually that’s called “defusing.”
Not to alarm anybody, but anarchists are taking over the GOP. You can identify them by their ripped leather jackets.
If you find an anarchist, report him to Republican leadership. You’ll get a free snow cone.
It is also possible that some of the Republican radicals are secretly pirates. Be on the lookout for symptoms of scurvy.
If an anarchist bites you, you become one. And anarchists like to bite. Because anarchy.
So should I preorder Batman Arkham Origins? Just need some confirmation the new team working on it didn’t screw up the combat first.
Earbud manufacturers: Since you haven’t figured this out, the weak point is where the flexible wire connects to the earbud. Reinforce that.
While I’m at, electronic manufacturers: When you make big, weird plugs, they block other outlets. How have you not noticed that?
Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, so if politicians aren’t shooting each other, they’re getting along okay from a historical perspective.
So is it now a fringe position to think Obama is a good president?
One day we’ll have robots and laser guns and no need for any government at all.
If you’re ever attacked by a shark try to bring the battle to land because then you can suplex it and fight over.
I don’t want a year delay on Obamacare. I want to watch a train wreck NOW!
Just because I’m anti-government doesn’t make me some extremist. The militia I’m a member of is very mainstream.
Got an iPhone! I think I’m an elitist now.
My work email enforces a pin code on phones, so the fingerprint scanner on the new iPhone is pretty convenient.
A stake to the heart followed by decapitation will kill just about any human.
Humans are also weakened by sunlight if it’s a particularly hot day.
I have a special noise-cancelling gun. If something is noisy, I shoot it with my gun and no noise.
I’m glad I haven’t watched any of Breaking Bad. The last thing I need is more compelling drama to waste my time being compelled by.
A new report shows that low-paying jobs like waiting tables have provided most of the job gains for women.
Well, at least their practice waiting will come in handy if they need to see a doctor under Obamacare.
China passed a law making it a crime to post rumors on the internet.
Might as well pass a law against bricks in the Great Wall.