So Apple is supposed to reveal details about the new iPhone soon. Maybe it’s a little late, but I have a lot of requested features for a new iPhone:
FRANK’S DESIRED NEW iPHONE FEATURES
* Kind of like with Airplane Mode, could there be a mode on the phone where it stops spying on me for the government for when I quickly need to do some illegal things?
* With all the neat new feature, I keep thinking each new iPhone will finally bring some meaning to my life when I purchase it, but so far no luck. Can you make this one finally stop me from feeling empty inside?
* Could you get rid of the image of an apple with a bite taken out of it they put on each one? Having some filthy, hobo-bitten piece of fruit on my phone makes me think the phone is covered in germs our maybe has worms inside it.
* I want it smaller, but I also want the screen bigger. So you could make it both smaller and bigger? You can mess with physics to do it if you want; I don’t care.
* Could you work a little harder this time to make sure there isn’t the blood of exploited Chinese workers on them before you ship them?
* Can Siri pop in and warn me when my family is about to do an intervention about my obsessions with Candy Crush so I can get out of the house? Those are really delaying my progress in that game.
* Could it constantly assure me there’s a point to owning both an iPhone and an iPad so I stop feeling stupid?
* The employees at the Apple Store are too happy and it creeps me out. Do some mass firings.
* Could you tell Siri to stop making fun of my nose?
* The iPhone is good at consolidated what you have to carry with you. I mean, I used to have to carry a separate phone, camera, GPS device, condensed encyclopedia, and irate birds all shoved into my pockets. It was crazy; “Little Jimmy Pockets” they used to call me. But now, I just have the iPhone, but there are still some other stuff I have to carry separate than the iPhone like my keys, breath mints, and a gun. So can you add features to the iPhone to start my car, get rid of breath stink, and kill people?
* Can you keep me from dropping it? Like maybe have a string on it that ties to my wrist. Or you could just pin it to my jacket next to my mittens?
* I’m very afraid of Somali pirates. Can the iPhone warn me when I’m sailing too close to Somalia?
* Is there anyone you could finally have it run the Android operating system instead of that stupid proprietary one you use?
* Can tech support be more helpful when the ghost of Steve Jobs is trying to kill me?
* How about it just self-destructs as soon as a new iPhone is announced so I no longer have an internal debate on whether or not to upgrade.
* Get rid of that thing where the iPhone makes a loud noise and then someone tries to talk to you through it. That is really annoying. And I don’t know who that is aimed at; I guess people who are illiterate and can’t write a text.