I don’t want to call Obama a complete failure, but he can’t even get Republicans on his side to bomb Muslims in the Middle East.
Okay; that’s a lie; I’ve been wanting to call him a failure since the day he was sworn in. And I have. Constantly. You’ve probably even started tuning it out.
Anyway, if there was a video game for being president, convincing Republican to support bombing a country in the Middle East would be the tutorial mission. There should be no way to fail it. Bush used to just say, “I’m going to bomb the Middle East,” and Republicans would vote to authorize and wouldn’t even ask which countries. I mean, they just figure you can bomb just about anywhere there and hit someone who deserves it, probably blowing him up in the middle of an anti-American thought.
But Obama can’t get Republicans on his side. Or Democrats. Or any other countries. That has to really shake his confidence. Well, to help out, here are some tips on getting Republicans to support his bombing campaign in Syria.
HOW OBAMA CAN CONVINCE REPUBLICANS ON BOMBING SYRIA
* Remind them it’s in the Middle East.
* No seriously, I want to bomb people in the Middle East.
* Come on, guys; you’ve always been for this sort of thing before.
* I mean, you’ll be like, “We can’t spend any more money; we have too much debt. We have to balance the budget and– Oh, you want to bomb the Middle East? Let met take out a mortgage on the Washington Monument to pay for that.”
* This is a freebie, guys! I mean, you get to bomb people in the Middle East, and I won’t even call you warmongers this time. I’m taking this one on myself.
* So why aren’t you for it this time? Is it because of all those mean things I said about you guys because of Iraq? Come on, guys; that was just politics. Nothing personal. And it worked; I’m president now. That’s all that was.
* And really; I thought I’d get more countries to go along with me. I mean, Bush got a bunch on his side, so I thought I’d have like hundreds backing me up. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Maybe other countries are racist.
* I’m not in over my head. I’m a good president. This Syria thing isn’t making me look like a hapless idiot; it’s making you look like an idiot. So you better do what I say before everyone hates you.
* Come on! Please! Here; if you go along with me, I’ll give you what’s currently the most valuable thing in this country: an Obamacare waiver.
* You know what? Whatever. Bomb Syria; don’t bomb Syria — I get paid the same. When’s tee time?
* What do you think historians are going to say about me? I know I get “first black president,” but I was hoping for a few other things. I really thought the economy would turn around by now, Obamacare would be a hugely popular thing, and I’d be super popular world wide.
* Well, I have three more years. I can turn things around.
* Or it could get even worse. I don’t know if I can take this for three more years. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is realizing I’m the only thing standing in the way of President Biden.
* The other day, he thought he saw his briefcase move so he bit it. I don’t know how I ended up with him. He was supposed to add more experience to my ticket, but I guess no one around me knows what he or she is doing.
* Know what? Forget it. I’m going to go smoke a cigarette and eat a whole box of Krispy Kreme. Be cool and don’t tell Michelle.