How to Do a Show of Force in Syria

So what’s going on here? Obama is going to ask Congress for approval on attacking Syria? When has he ever cared before about following the Constitution when he can just do a power grab?

Well, the idea of us getting in a war with Syria is really unpopular, and he has no international backing. At the same time, he’s been talking about a “red line” if chemical weapons are used so he’ll look like a little twit if he does nothing. So the guy needs an out. That’s why all of sudden he’s like holding up this document and saying, “See, it says here in the Constitution I need Congress to authorize a war.”

And everyone is like, “That’s not the Constitution. That’s the Magna Carta.”

And Obama is like. “Oh… well, they’re basically the same thing — just old, faded documents. So anyway; up to Congress now and it’s tee time.”

So, the point is how do we get Syria to listen to us about not using chemical weapons and slaughtering people? We have enough nukes to wipe any country off the map, but no one cares because they know we won’t use them. It’s like if the Empire had the Death Star but never blew up Alderaan and the Emperor was for decades going, “You better do as we say, or we’ll destroy your planet!” without ever actually firing the super laser. Eventually everyone is like, “Whatever, wrinkles. And what’s with the hoodie? We’re you really affected that much by what happened to Trayvon?”

So, what we need is a show of force to let Syria know we’re Syria-ous. Here’s some ideas:

* Let’s write a letter to Syria saying we’re really, really serious about them not using chemical weapons. And let’s underline “serious” in the letter for extra emphasis. Maybe we could also write the word in all caps, but we don’t want to look like a nut.

* Let’s have a big conference in Syria with a bunch of booths set up on America’s various weapons. That way, Syria’s government officials can look at the technical details of their potential doom. “Here’s a pamphlet on our bombs. Just imagine what it would do to your house. Actually, you don’t have to imagine; the explosive payload of it is well documented.”

* Have our best in Hollywood do a series on YouTube showing what it would look like if we attacked Syria. With the best special effect available, it will really look like Syria is already being bombed. Maybe it can be released to theaters and put in 3D too if that will help with the propaganda. Oh, but make sure Hollywood knows this time to not have the American soldiers be the bad guys. Plus, if you have the CGI budget, can we attack Syria with dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them? And you better somehow fit a love story in this to keep it interesting. Also, so it’s not racially offensive, let’s replace the Syrian bad guys with white Europeans.

* Have Obama go on TV and hold up a kitten and say, “This is Syria.” Then he can shake the kitten really hard. You don’t want to be that kitten!

* Threaten to overthrow the Syrian government and make the new Syrian president Ben Affleck.

* Say we want to have a meeting with Syrian officials. But the diplomats we send are… Chuck Norris and Mr. T! BAM! POW! They’ll be picking teeth out of the walls from that meeting. And if Syria keeps it up, the next diplomats we send will be the entire cast of the next Expendables movie!

* This almost goes without saying, but nuke the moon. The Syrians will be like, “If the Americans can nuke the moon, think of how much easier it will be to nuke us who is much closer!” There’s nothing nuking the moon can’t solve — unless your problem is too much radiation on the moon.

So, there you go. But no matter what we do with Syria, the point is we should have fun doing it.

Or maybe the point is to discourage the use of chemical weapons.

Eh, I don’t know what the point is. Why are we maybe getting in another war again when the last couple were supposed to be so horrible?

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10 Comments

  1. Why not just TeePee Assads house.That will send a message that obama REALLY,REALLY,REALLY, mean what he says and to prove it will draw a line with a pink pen. Surely the obama media will come around and blame obamas haste and indecision on the wonder twins McShame and Gramnesy who forced obama into this because of the R they somehow still are associated with and them calling him unPC names like illegal immigrant.

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  2. “Eh, I don’t know what the point is.”

    The point is that Dear Leader made a red line and Syria crossed. That’s all that matters – unless you’re a racist. You don’t want anyone to think you’re a racist do you?

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  3. Two Words. Falafel Summit. Be afraid Assad, be very afraid.

    On a more serious note I would like to see Congress punt back by not voting war or a war resolution but sending it back to the President saying the War Powers Act gives you 60 days to act with the military. Go for it big guy, have fun storming the castle.

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  4. ” Have Obama go on TV and hold up a kitten and say, “This is Syria.” Then he can shake the kitten really hard. You don’t want to be that kitten!”

    They were going to use a puppy, but when the camera panned back, he was wiping his chin.

    Why does anyone think mccain is relevant?

    If we nuke the moon, how am I supposed to recharge my lunar stones?

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