Scene: Barack Obama, Joe Biden and Bill Clinton, dressed as bums, are prowling an OWS gathering looking for a dog to swipe.
Biden: What are we doing here again? Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be working.
Bill: How many times do I got to explain this to you loser. We’re here to get a dog so we can feed it to those other two losers so they can see what a great idea it is to feed all of Ms. McLachlan’s dogs to those starving black kids.
Biden: I know that. I’m not stupid. I know that. What I’m asking is why are we doing that here? Wouldn’t it be easier just to go to like a pound or something? Can’t we just get a dog at a dog pound?
Barack: Can we get a junkyard dog? I want a junkyard dog. I haven’t tried that kind.
Bill: No, we are not getting a junkyard dog. And do you want to pay the fees at a pound? I’m not wasting my money on this stupid dog. Would you pay money for a whore? Would you? Of course not. Only losers pay for whores. You just hang out at a crack house and grab one when she’s wasted. You don’t pay for whores, and you don’t pay for dogs. We just have to find some stoned hippy and swipe his mangy mutt when he is too wasted to resist.
Barack: Can we get a junkyard cat then?
Bill: No, we aren’t getting a junkyard cat. No one wants to eat a junkyard cat.
Biden: Dudes. Dudes. I’m having another idea. This is exactly why I’m known as the great intellect of the party.
Barack: No one calls you that, dude. No one calls you that.
Biden: They totally do, dude. But anyways, remember when you were little and you wouldn’t want to eat your food and your mom would say, “Eat your food. There are starving kids in China that would be grateful for that.’ You remember that? Huh? You remember that? Well, here is what we do. Send all of the abused cats to the starving kids in China. Dude, they will be totally grateful. Cause, like, they are starving. They are totally starving. And don’t they like already eat cats there? I am totally feeding the world, dudes.
Barack: Totally. World hunger solved, baby. Solved right here. By me. That’s got to be worth another Nobel Peace prize.
Biden: Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on right there, dude. This is my idea. I get the prize. I get the prize, dude.
Barack: Like anyone is gonna believe this was your idea. Nobel prize number two, baby. I am the greatest president in the history of everything.
Biden: Dude, you are not doing this. You are not stealing my prize.
Barack: It is for the greater good. Well, it is for my greater good.
Biden: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Bill: Can you two just shut up already. There won’t be any prizes at all until we find us a hippy dog.
Biden: Can you tell me this then? Can you tell me this? Why are there still hippies? Weren’t they born, like one hundred years ago or something? Shouldn’t they all have died off by now or something? I mean, you never see any beatnicks or flappers or Viscounts around.
Barack: Or Whigs.
Biden: Totally. Or Asians.
Barack: Totally. No, wait? Asians? There are totally Asians, dude. Like Billions of Asians.
Biden: There are so not any Asians around anymore, dude.
Barack: There are so. There are so Asians. They are everywhere. There are totally more Asians than honkies like you.
Biden: No, no, no, dude. They all, like, died off dude. I saw it on the internet or something.
Barack: What? Huh? Where is this even coming from? The Asians did not die off. There is an Asian right over there.
Biden: That is not an Asian, dude. That is not an Asian. That is totally a monkey.
Barack: That is not a monkey, dude. That is totally an Asian. It’s an Asian.
Biden: No, no, no, dude. The Asians died off. There were like billions of them, dude but then the government wouldn’t let them have like more than one kid, and then, like, Asians all hated little girls or something, so they killed off all the girl babies and only kept the boy babies. All that was left were dudes, dude. So no more babies. Can’t make babies with only dudes. They all died off, dude. They all died off.
Barack: They did not die off, dude. There are still totally Asians.
Biden: How, dude? How? How do you get more Asians with only boys? Huh, dude? How? It’s science. It’s totally science. Why do you hate science so much? Why do you hate science?
Barack: That is so not science. That is not even fact.
Biden: Now if you could have got gay marriage sooner. Huh, huh? If you could have got gay marriage sooner, you could have saved the Asians too. Then all those Asian boys could have gay married and then gay adopted kids, and then we’d have Asians. We’d still have Asians.
Barack: Just because two gay Asians adopt a kid, that doesn’t make the kid Asian, dude. It’s still not Asian. Not Asian.
Biden: It is so Asian. It is so totally Asian. If you raise the kid Asian, it’s Asian. It’s Asian. It’s Asian. If you teach it karate and sushi and how to mispronounce its L’s, then it is totally Asian, dude.
Barack: Asian is a race. It is not a culture. It is a race. You can’t raise a kid to be a certain race. You can’t do it, dude. You can’t do it.
Biden: Listen to yourself, dude. You are such a bigot. You are such a bigot. You mean to tell me that gay Asians can’t adopt a kid and raise it Asian? They can’t raise the kid Asian if they want to? Why do you hate gays so much? Why? You just want the Asians to stay died off? You like them dead. You hate Asians and gays, dude. You hate Asians and gays.
Bill: And for you to hate a gay guy is just plain stupid, man. You’re an idiot. Every gay guy means more broads for you. Every gay guy means one less willie on the table.
Barack: Ah, dude. Gross. Get your willie off that table, dude. We don’t need to see that! We don’t want to see that!
Bill: Hee hee hee. Just marking my territory, dude. Marking it like a wolf. Every surface in the Whitehouse, baby. Marked and owned by me. It’s all mine.
Barack: You are just a vile, disgusting individual. You deserve Hillary. You do. And you, Joe, are just a moron. You are a moron. Come here. There is an Asian right over there. Let’s go talk to him and see who’s right. Come on. Let’s let him settle this. An Asian would know, right? An Asian would know. You’d believe an Asian?
Biden: Dude, how are you even gonna talk to him? You don’t speak monkey. How is that gonna solve anything?
Barack: You really expect me to believe that when you look at that nice, Asian man over there, you see a monkey? You really see a monkey?
Biden: How do you not see a monkey, dude? I’m looking right at a monkey. It’s a monkey.
Barack: You are without a doubt the most racist person I have ever known. Ever known. Most racist. Do you see any race other than white?
Biden: Science again, dude. Science. Nothing wrong with seeing white, dude. Nothing wrong with seeing white. Maybe you didn’t know this, dude. Maybe you didn’t know this, but there was one day in science class when I wasn’t stoned and that one day, during that one day, I learned something. White, you know, white, is a combination of all the colors, dude. All the colors. All the colors of the rainbow. When I see white, I see all the colors there are. All the colors. I’m seeing all the colors.
Bill: All of the colors except for black, of course.
Biden: Well, of course not black. But black, phtwwwt. Who cares about black?
Barack: Oh, you are such a racist. A racist.
Biden: I am not a racist. But you are a homophobe, dude. A total, Asian hating homophobe. You’re a homophobe.
Bill: He can’t be a homophobe. No way. Cause he banged Kerry. He banged him good.
Biden: Yeah, he banged him. Ha, he’s a self-loathing homophobe.
Barack: Racist. You’re racist.
Biden: Do you ever get tired of calling people that? Do you ever get tired of that? Do you? Ever?
Bill: Can you two just shut up? Can you just shut up for a minute? Shut up, shut up, shut up! I hear something. Yep, it’s the low, repulsive moan of the didgeridoo. Hippies are near.
Barack: Oh, that sounds just awful.
Biden: Totally. It sounds like a sick walrus that is being force to have sex with Hillary.
Barack: Totally. It sounds like resigned repulsion and disgust and fear.
Biden: And phlegm. There is definitely a touch of phlegm. That walrus is crying, dude. It’s crying.
Barack: Tears. Tears of shame. Shame is trailing down his face, glistening on his stache, dripping off his stache of shame.
Bill: You don’t know how true that is. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’d been sneaking a peak at my old 8 mm reels.
Biden: Not at all like banging John Kerry. Not at all.
Barack: I did not bang John Kerry. How many times do I have to tell you that a happy ending is not banging.
Bill: It is totally banging, dude.
Biden: Totally banging.
Barack: No banging! There was no banging! The next person to mention banging gets impeached.
Bill: No getting around it. You banged him, dude. Banged him good.
Biden: Yeah. Totally banging.
Barack: Ok. Impeached and impeached. You are both impeached. You’re impeached.
Bill: Oh yeah. Who made you President?
Barack: Only, like, a million people, or something. I lose track of how many votes were real.
Bill: Well I didn’t vote for you. I wrote myself in like always.
Biden: Gaaahhhhh! That sound is so annoying. What is it with hippies and their stupid drum circles and that stupid didgeridoo? Why, why? Aren’t they smelly enough already? Gah! Do they have to stink up my ears too. Must they repulse all of my senses?
Bill: Oh, there is totally a reason for it. Al told me years ago. He was a total green lunatic, you know. Total nutjob. Never shut up about it. Never. But it makes total sense. The reason hippies love the didgeridoo so much is because it is the closest those tree huggers can come to giving a tree a blow job. It’s the best they can do. Unless you are Al, of course. He was totally hardcore green. Made love to trees all the time. Knot holes, crooks between branches, whatever he could find, but when you are talking bark, there ain’t enough lubricant in the world. If you ever got him drunk, he’d pull out stumpy, that’s what he calls it now, and show you the scars. All gnarled and knobby and hardened with scar tissue. Like bark, really. It was totally inhuman, more tree than man now.
Barack: Ok, now between stumpy and your willie all over everything, I think I’m gonna be sick. Let’s just find that dumb dog and get out of here. Though I don’t even feel like eating it now. Totally nauseated. You’ve made me totally nauseated. Not hungry at all. Not hungry.
To be continued, sometime, maybe if I feel like it.