Scene: Barack Obama and Joe Biden, dressed as bums, are looking for Bill Clinton, whom they have misplaced at an OWS gathering.
Biden: There he is. Over there. Squatting on the hood of that cop car. What is he doing squatting on the hood?
Barack: Tell me that isn’t what it looks like. (yelling at Bill) Get off of there. Quick. Before somebody sees you.
Bill: Just a minute. I’m almost done.
Barack: Oh, dude. Are you doing what I think you are doing? You are. You are totally doing what I think you are doing. Why? Just tell me why. Give me one good reason why you are pooping on that cop car.
Bill: When in Rome. And besides, poop is funny.
Biden: Yeah. It’s funny. It’s really funny. I need to get in on this. Move aside, I’m coming in. I’m coming in.
Bill: No, no, no. You stay down there. I need someone to blame this on.
Biden: Oh no you don’t. I want in on this too.
Bill: Get down, get down, get down. Find your own bloody cop car. Didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners.
Barack: Get down from there. Both of you. What if somebody sees you. I’m not gonna pardon you this time. Not gonna do it.
Biden: Come on up, dude. Join us. When are you gonna get a chance like this again? Come on. Come on. Come on.
Bill: Get down. This is my space. Get off. Get off.
Barack: Ok, no. I can’t do that. What if someone recognizes me?
Bill: You are the President of the United States. Dude, you can just pardon yourself. If you knew half of the stuff I got away with.
Biden: Besides, no one will recognize you. You know. You people all look the same. No one can tell you all apart.
Barack: Oh, dude. I can’t believe you just said that. I can’t believe you said that. That was so racist.
Biden: That’s not racist. That’s not racist.
Barack: That is so racist. That is pure, total racism, right there.
Biden: It’s not racism. It’s science, dude. It’s science.
Barack: That is not science. How is that science?
Biden: It’s all about optic nerves and neurons and Darwin and evolution and stuff. It’s science, dude. It’s all science.
Barack: So you are trying to tell me that racism is genetic?
Biden: No, no, dude. You are not listening to me. You are not understanding. Can you tell monkeys apart? Can you? Or chimpanzees? Or Senators? No, you can’t. You can’t. It’s impossible, dude. No one can. It’s impossible. Because the human brain is efficient, dude. It’s efficient. Doesn’t waste time on stuff that doesn’t matter. Your brain doesn’t need to tell inferior beings apart, dude. Waste of processing power, dude. That’s why you can’t tell monkeys apart, dude.
Barack: Are you calling me a monkey? That’s even more racist! You are such a racist!
Biden: Calling you a monkey? I wouldn’t even call you a Senator. No, calling you… no. Why would I do that? I know you are not a monkey. I’m not an idiot. I can tell you apart from a monkey. But, dude, I couldn’t tell you apart from my drug dealer.
Barack: Dude. Is that what happened yesterday? Is that what happened?
Biden: Totally. I was all like, ‘Andre, what are you doing in a suit, dude? And how did you get past security?’
Barack: That actually makes a lot of sense now. I just thought you were high again.
Biden: Totally sober, dude. Stone cold. And you know why? Cause Andre couldn’t get past security, dude. You got to get him clearance, man. You gotta get him clearance.
Barack: I would have, but not now. Not now that I see how much of a bloody racist you are. You are such a racist! You’re unbelievably racist!
Biden: I’m not a racist. You think everyone is a racist. Are scientists racist? Huh, dude? Are you calling science racist, now? Dude, weren’t you even listening to the science?
Barack: That is so not science. That wasn’t even science’s red-headed bastard step child. You are such a racist?
Biden: Don’t judge me, man. Don’t judge me. I was born this way, dude. You can’t judge me. I was born this way. It’s science.
Barack: Well, you know what I can’t tell apart? Huh? You know what I can’t tell apart, dude? I can’t tell you apart from that pile of poop Bill just left on the cop car. You are indistinguishable from that pile of poop. You’re a pile of poop, dude.
Biden: That’s just cause I spend a lot of time in the sewer. There’s some great stuff down there. You won’t believe what some people flush away.
Bill: It’s true, but, I’m done now. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.
Barack: Come to think of it, can I impeach you? Can I impeach you for being such a bloody, dumb racist?
Biden: No way, dude. You can’t do that. He can’t do that, can he? You were impeached, Bill. You would know. He can’t do that, can he?
Bill: How should I know? I’ve never read the Constitution. Who has time for that? Who do I look like? That loser John Kerry?
Biden: You better hope you don’t look like John Kerry. He’ll try to bang you. Ha ha ha ha. He was banging the secretary.
Barack: Shut up, dude. I thought he was a woman. Besides, it was just a happy ending. A happy ending isn’t banging. It isn’t banging. Tell him, Bill. You know. A happy ending isn’t banging.
Bill: It all depends upon what the definition of ‘is’ is. But I’m pretty sure you banged him. You banged him.
Biden: He’s banging a tranny. He’s totally banging a tranny.
Barack: Just shut up. I’m getting hungry. Come on and let’s find us a dog.
Biden: For some reason I really feel like pooping right now.
To be continued, maybe, sometime, if I feel like it.