Scene: The Oval Office – Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and Bill Clinton are huddled around the desk peering at a laptop.
Kerry: Dudes, you have got to see this Youtube video.
Hillary: Out of my way. I want to see it. I want to see it.
Kerry (to Barack): Keep your foot off the desk, man. Show some respect. This desk was like stolen from the Queen or something. It’s a piece of history.
Biden: Yeah, dude. I think like Ben Franklin swiped it during the Revolutionary War or something, and George Washington wrote like the Constitution on it or something.
Kerry: Yeah, so like, totally get your foot off the desk before I karate chop it off dude. You know I’ll do it. You know I’ll just chop it right off. One blow and pow, right off.
Biden: And you don’t want the Red Eye folks making fun of you for it again. They are brutal. And, dude, I’m pretty sure they figured out that you are one of those lizard people.
Barack: I am not one of those lizard people.
Biden: I can see it in your eyes, man. Right in your eyes. Your slitty, little lizard eyes. Look me in the eyes, dude. Look me in the eyes. Look me in the eyes. Look me in the eyes. Why won’t you look me in the eyes? I’m just saying.
Bill: You guys are just making a big deal about nothing. Believe me. There have been way worse things on that desk than the bottom of that loser’s shoe. One day I was in here with Monica and Jennifer and her pool boy, for some reason. I can’t remember all of the details. I usually dose myself with roofies afterwards, you know, so I can lie about it more convincingly, but I’ve kind of built up a tolerance, you know, so I retain partial memories. But anyway, the four of us were on the desk, and Imelda was trying out her new camcorder….
Hillary: EW! You do know I am standing right here, don’t you? I don’t want to hear this.
Barack: What? Do you guys hear something? Is somebody talking? What are you even doing still here? I thought we kicked you out of the gang like two years ago, or something.
Biden: Yeah. Why are you here? Go away. You are gross and disgusting, and we don’t want you around anymore.
Hillary: Can we just watch that Youtube video, already? Geez, guys!
Kerry: Oh yeah, we were gonna watch that, then he put his foot on the desk and totally distracted me, man. Dude, like, I am totally serious. Get your foot off of the desk. Get it off right now. Get it off the desk.
Biden: Yeah, get it off the desk. Just get it off.
Kerry: Get it off now. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off.
Hillary: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Can you all just shut up so I can watch this video? I mean, guys, come on.
Kerry: Ok, ok. But I got to give you the setup. You know that Sarah Maclachlan commercial with the pets that need help and all that.
Hillary: Oh, I hate that commercial. It is so sad.
Barack: Totally. It makes me want to steal from somebody so I can give their money to that charity.
Hillary: Totally. I stole a bum’s begging can, and I was totally gonna give that money to the animals, but I walked past a Starbucks, and I was really in the mood for a latte.
Kerry: But anyway, dudes, check it out. We’ve been totally had. Taken in by that awful Canadian witch. That commercial is only sad because of the song Sarah is singing in the background.
Barack: No way.
Kerry: Way. Look at this. Someone redid the soundtrack on the commercial and replaced Sarah with Chumbawamba.
Barack: Chumbawamba, dude!
Kerry: Totally! But watch it now.
(They watch it).
Hillary: You were absolutely right. I don’t feel sad at all. No sadness. No sadness. I don’t want to help those dogs at all. No helping. No helping at all.
Barack: That was absolutely adorable. Inspiring. Those dogs got knocked down, but they got up again. Ain’t nothing gonna keep them down. I’m inspired. I think I’m gonna take up jogging.
Hillary: Yeah. Jog right on up to Canada and punch McLachlan right in the face. I can’t believe her. Trying to scam our money like that. For perfectly fine animals.
Kerry: Dudes, you aren’t getting the point. Let’s not be hasty. Both songs might be tricking us, dudes. This is just an example of how the media is messing with our minds, man. Do you want to go punch Chumbawamba in the face?
Barack: No, I guess not.
Hillary: I guess not too. I did hate Sarah McLachlan before this, afterall. It was pre-existing. It was a pre-existing hatred. I have always kinda wanted to punch her in the face.
Barack: Pow, right in the kisser. I see where you are coming from.
Kerry: And those pets really could be abused and starving and stuff.
Biden: Dudes. I got it! This is exactly why I am the primary intellect of the gang. I have the solution. You know those commercials with all of the starving black kids in Africa? You know those? You’ve seen those? Yeah. You have, right?
Barack: Yes, we’ve all seen those. Do you want to change the soundtrack on those too?
Biden: No, no, no. Change the soundtrack on those? Don’t be silly. Change the soundtrack? Why would anyone want to do that? No. Here is what we do. We take all of these sad, abused pets and feed them to the starving black kids. We solve both problems. Both problems solved. Right there.
Hillary: That is an awful idea. That is just disgusting.
Kerry: That is just a terrible, terrible idea Joe. Makes me want to punch you right in the face.
Barack: I don’t know. Kind of makes me really hungry. I can’t stop drooling.
To be continued sometime, maybe, if I feel like it.