So there’s a new campaign from Michelle Obama: Getting people to drink more water.
Really? Is this a problem in the U.S.? People are dying of dehydration because they don’t know they should have a glass of water? It’s almost like the administration got so annoyed by Michelle’s health crusades that they’re just giving her busy work now.
Well, as long as the government is aiming so low as “make sure you drink some water,” here’s some other health campaign ideas if there are more people we need to give some busy work to keep them out of the way (like most of Congress):
LAZY HEALTH CAMPAIGNS
* Breathing: Make sure you’re breathing, America! And if you need more energy, try taking a few extra breaths each day.
* Sitting: Are you legs tired? Remember to sit! Use a chair if you can. If no chair is available, there are numerous methods for sitting on the ground that the government an educate you on.
* Sleeping: Doctors recommend you sleep at least once per day. You will be incapacitated while sleeping, so don’t do it while driving or operating heavy machinery.
* Toilets: Remember to relive waste in designated areas and not near your dining table or anywhere else you commonly eat.
* Touching Stoves: Don’t touch hot stoves. If you have your hand on a stove and pain receptors are firing off within your hand, that’s a good indication you need to quickly get it away from that stove.
* Wells: If you see a sign that says, “CAUTION: Well in area,” be careful. Remember the saying: “Be well; don’t fall down a well.”
* Tree Awareness: It can hurt to walk into trees, so make sure you keep aware of your distance from trees at all times. A good method is to use eyesight, but you can also use your ears to detect nearby trees by listening for the sound of wind rustling leaves.
* Badger Face Proximity: Doctors recommend you always keep at least six feet between your face and a badger.
* Hugging Porcupines: While porcupines, like all animals, needs hugs, this should only be done by professionals wearing special porcupine hugging outfits.
* Gorilla Teasing: Gorillas are much like feminists: They’re large, hairy, and have no sense of humor. Scientists recommend you do not tease them out of the confines of a lab such as the one at Maryland’s Gorilla Teasing Institute.
* Eating Pine Cones: Though they’re brown spikiness screams deliciousness, don’t eat pine cones. They’re hard to chew and provide no useful nutrition. But if you do eat one, it’s not really a big deal so don’t worry about it.
* Sexually Molesting Alligators: It’s a bad idea for numerous reasons.