Kyle shouted as Kirby plummeted to his death.
“Hey, don’t get upset,” Bob said. “You have to waste a lot of your life before you’re as good at these things as I am.”
“Hey guys!” came a cheery voice from behind them. Bob turned around to see President Obama.
“Sorry, he let himself in!” Bob’s wife Deborah yelled from the other room.
“So, what are you up to?” Obama asked.
Bob turned back to the TV. “Just playing video games with my son.”
“Smash Bros.” Kyle said.
Obama nodded. “Those things pause.”
Bob forced a smile and paused the game. “So what can I help you with today?”
“Nothing,” Obama said. “I just wanted to come by and explain what’s going on in Syria.”
Bob raised an eyebrow. “Do you know what’s going on in Syria?”
“I’m taking a stand against chemical weapons and keeping the world safe,” Obama said. “With the help of the Russians, we’re going to get those chemical weapons away from Assad.”
“And that was your plan all along?” Bob asked.
Obama hesitated for a few seconds. “Yep.”
“So I guess John Kerry really got the Syrians in line with that ‘unbelievably small’ attack threat.”
Obama nodded. “Secretary of State Kerry is very smart.”
“Cite one piece of evidence to back that up,” Bob said.
Obama thought for a long while. “He married a billionaire.”
“So what’s going on with Syria?” Kyle asked.
“The president blundered into a big mess making some ‘red line’ comment about chemical weapons,” Bob explained.
“I didn’t make that red line,” Obama asserted. “The world did.”
Bob laughed. “Which is why you got so many international partners backing you on the threat of military action.”
“Are we going to war with Syria?” Kyle asked.
“No, the president just wanted to look tough but doesn’t know how,” Bob explained. “And he didn’t realize he couldn’t even get his own party to back him after all the screaming they did about Iraq.” He turned to Obama. “Actually, I remember back during the Iraq conflict, you egged my house and called me a warmonger for supporting to Bush, and now you want me to support you on maybe attacking Syria?”
“Syria is way different than Iraq,” Obama said. “For one thing, we have no strategic interest in Syria.”
Bob rolled his eyes.
“So anyway,” Obama said, “here’s my explanation on what’s going on with Syria–”
“Here’s mine,” Bob interrupted. “You stupidly made some red line comment about chemical weapons because you thought it would make you look tough and you honestly thought that Assad wouldn’t use chemical weapons and thus you wouldn’t get called on it. When he did use chemical weapons, you had to push for military actions so people wouldn’t just completely ignore everything you say in the future. And then Kerry stupidly mentioned Syria could avoid strikes by giving up their chemical weapons, so now comes Putin to the rescue. So basically you Forrest Gumped your way into and out of this one.”
Obama frowned. “That’s not quite accurate. I’m just playing a very high-minded, chess-like strategy that might be hard for some people to follow. I’m very knowledge on the military front.”
“Really. Name one branch of the military.”
Obama thought for a moment. “Predator drones.”
“Maybe you should play some Call of Duty,” Kyle told Obama. “My dad won’t let me play Call of Duty.”
“Well, it has swearing in it,” Bob said. “There didn’t use to be so cussing in video games — except for Q*bert. Back in the day, it was all just wholesome violence. And there wasn’t even blood because you’d just be like, ‘What are all those red square supposed to be.’ Of course, game controllers were much simpler back then as you had to keep one hand free to turn the crank that kept the game console going.”
“I don’t think that’s all true,” Kyle said.
“Some of that was not true, yes.” Bob turned to Obama. “Sorry, we’re completely ignoring you and your military genius. You have anything else for us?”
“I just want you to know that everything is being handled,” Obama stated. “And now Russia will help us disarm Syria of chemical weapons.”
Bob nodded. “We can’t trust Assad, but I’m sure if we combine him with Putin that’s something we can trust.”
“You can always count on me,” Putin said, walking into the living room.
“How’d you get in here?” Bob exclaimed.
“Your back door was not very locked.” He looked at Obama. “I am glad we are working together on this. You can always trust Russia. Now, I need some change; do you have two tens for a five?”
“Sure.” Smiling, Obama handed Putin two tens.
Putin accepted the money. “Thank you. I will give you the five later.” He then left.
“Do not trust that guy,” Bob warned Obama.
“He’s our partner in peace,” Obama said. “He’s a great guy… as long as you’re not gay. Or opposed to him in any way whatsoever. So, are you satisfied with my handling of Syria?”
“If victory is making sure Assad only murders his people with bullets and bombs and not chemical weapons, then… maybe you achieved that.”
“Great!” Obama said. “Make sure you fill out my evaluation forms and say I’m smart at military stuff. See you later!” Obama walked off.
“So is Putin now the leader of the free world?” Kyle asked.
“I dunno, son,” Bob said. “Things are not looking great out there. I guess as long as we’re not personally getting his with chemical weapons, we should count our blessings.”