So the Senate is defining who is a journalist so that only the government-approved journalists have special rights. Now, it goes without saying that any Senator going along with this is a horrible human being who has no understanding how rights work and should be exiled to Antarctica — sharing a plane ride with the polar bears I am also exiling to Antarctica for being mean to seals — but there is another important aspect to this story: I could possibly be a journalist.
The Senate is making it very clear that my stupid blog doesn’t count, but I’ve written for newspapers and that might count as freelance work towards being a journalist — even though I’ve never broke a story or done research or even read a whole news story (they sometimes go on for pages!). And if I am a journalist, that means they’ll send me a journalism badge in the mail (which goes along with my journalism gun — if it’s a slow news day, I just fire it until something interesting happens) and then I’ll get special new journalist rights!
* I don’t have to reveal my sources; no more bibliographies for me!
* I get to wear a fedora without being laughed it.
* I can make McDonald’s give me an Egg McMuffin in the afternoon if I claim I’m doing a story on it.
* I can just barge in and ask the president questions whenever I feel like it as long as I agree to edit out all his ums and uhs from the transcript.
* It’s not slander for me to make stuff up as long as I credit it to “unnamed sources” or “Harvey.”
* It’s now fashionable for me to wear superhero spandex under my normal clothes.
* I get to hear spoilers on international events as long as I don’t tell people (BTW, the whole Syria thing doesn’t end too well).
* I can use the phrase “The public has a right to know!” to get the government to tell me classified information, to get businesses to tell me trade secrets, and to get women to take their tops off.
* I get that newsletter that tells us how to spin whatever the big story is against conservatives.
* I am above the law.
So this whole special rights for journalists is wrong, but if I get them, I promise to use them to benefit myself and not others.