Does anyone know what’s going on with Syria? I know Obama doesn’t it, but hopefully he can figure it out before he gives his speech tonight explaining everything to us.
Anyway, John Kerry was going on about how this attack is going to be “unbelievably small” — and who wouldn’t be threatened by that — and then some other White House official compared the attack to making Assad eat Cheerios with a fork. And I guess Assad tried eating Cheerios with a fork and saw how difficult that is because now he’s going to team up with the Russians to get rid of his chemical weapons. We can’t trust Syria or the Russians by themselves, but together…
Anyway, now Assad will go back to just killing his people with bombs and bullets so everyone will be happy. But that got me thinking, if the threat of eating Cheerios with a fork got results, what other light threats can we use in this new age of Smart Power™ that Obama has created? Here’s some ideas:
* “We’re going to sand down one leg of his chair to make it a bit smaller. He’ll still be able to do everything he wants, but it will be much more wobbly.”
* “We’re taking the stick out of his corn dog. He’ll still be able to eat the corn dog, but he’ll get mustard all over his hands.”
* “We’re going to steal his remote control. He’ll still be able to watch TV, but he’ll have to walk up to the TV to change channels like in the olden days… unless he knows how to program a universal remote. But that takes time.”
* “He’s going to turn around and the sleeve is gone on his cup of Starbucks. He’ll have to wait minutes and minutes before he can pick that up — unless he puts a lot of cream in it.”
* “We’re going to put his chemical weapons in clam shell packaging. Technically, he’ll still have access to them… but, you know, he has to get through that thick, plastic clam shell packaging.”
* “We’re going to put a cat next to him. He’ll still be able to do all the evil he’s been doing, but they’ll be this cat constantly swatting him to try and get his attention.”
* “We’re going to steal the AC adapter to his phone. He’ll still be able to charge it by plugging it into his laptop, but that’s sorta, kinda inconvenient.”
* “We’re going to put a dog just outside his house that will be barking constantly at nothing. He’ll still be able to do anything he wants, but he’ll be like, ‘Let’s gather our chemical weapons and– Will someone shut up that dog!’”
* “He needs a Phillips screwdriver, but we’re going to make sure he has nothing but flat-head screwdrivers. He’ll still be able to get the screw out, but that screwdriver is going to slip a bunch.”
* “So he wants to do a Google search, but Google is gone. He’ll have to use Bing.”
* “This guy has made us extra mad, so he doesn’t even get a fork for his Cheerios. He gets a butter knife. If he keeps it up, and he’ll only get chopsticks.”
Enemies of the world, few the minor inconveniences we’ll inflict upon you!
…If Congress agrees to them. Which they probably won’t.