i respect Jack in the Box because their food killed a bunch of people and now their mascot is a horrible grinning devil
— jon hendren (@fart) September 18, 2013
"ya ive had sex at least 0 times. i know that could mean 0 BUT it could also mean…" *lowers prescription glasses* "infinite billion times"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 18, 2013
Now that I can’t bring my gun into Starbucks, what am I supposed to do when someone asks me to read the screenplay they’re working on?
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 18, 2013
"They're Just Like Us!" sections in celebrity magazines never show pics of them trying to throw hot dogs at the moon. So, no, they're not.
— Nick Toplass (@TitaniumToplass) September 18, 2013
Random Hobbit: "Couldn't we just take eagles the whole way?" Gandalf: [immediately slits hobbit's throat] "Anyone else? ANYONE ELSE?!"
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 18, 2013
What does waving your arms over your head mean in sign language? Would love to know what this deaf guy on fire is trying to say.
— dan guterman (@danguterman) September 18, 2013
Mom, dad, we need to have “the talk”. *sits down in a chair, takes a deep sigh* iOS 7 is going to make your phone look differen
— Steve Streza (@SteveStreza) September 18, 2013
My body type is "people ask me if I used to play football, but like, a really long time ago."
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 18, 2013
Sure, sure, buddy, "life" handed you those lemons. You're under arrest.
— Steve Murray (@NPsteve) September 18, 2013