(Submitted by RAML [High Praise!])
(Submitted by RAML [High Praise!])
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #383,606)
By the way, the video actually ends at 1:35. The rest is just annoying t-shirt plugging that you have no obligation to watch.
Detroit Police Chief James Craig told a crowd that he narrowly escaped getting carjacked while driving an unmarked police car.
This is terrible. Detroit’s so bad now even car thieves have a hard time making a living.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
— antijokeapple (@antijokeapple) October 30, 2013
"WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER??" I shouted at my wife. She held up the mirror to me. I saw. I was chopped liver. I was a chopped liver man.
— Neil BloodButler (@pharmasean) October 30, 2013
If you have a HHS secretary, and you don't like her, you still have to keep her.
— daveweigel (@daveweigel) October 30, 2013
My GOP advice: 30 sec ads with a person crying staring at her computer holding a newborn… With Obama's voice "just shop around!"
— Greg Pollowitz (@GPollowitz) October 30, 2013
Damn girl are u sex cause I will never have u
— (@followforhell) October 31, 2013
During a speech in Houston, Republican Senator Ted Cruz said it was like the Obamacare website was being run by “Nigerian email scammers”.
Yes, except Nigerian email scammers can’t take your money if you don’t participate.
I might have arguments with the size of Reagan’s military buildup, but given the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, staying ahead of the Soviets militarily seemed a sensible thing to do. Pride in our country, respect for our armed services, a healthy appreciation for the dangers beyond our borders, an insistence that there was no easy equivalence between East and West–in all this I had no quarrel with Reagan. And when the Berlin Wall came tumbling down, I had to give the old man his due, even if I never gave him my vote.
BARACK OBAMA, The Audacity of Hope
“So really, the only thing I have against Reagan is that the Soviets lost.”
Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “A New Report Shows Government Workers Are Absent 50% More Than Private Sector Ones. What Do They Do With That Time Off?”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
The UN has a plan to defend Earth from asteroids…
So what do you think should happen to Kathleen Sebelius for her huge incompetence and waste of tax dollars?
Remember, though: The harshest punishment available for a government employee is time off with pay.
I’m thinking she should write a hundred word essay on how she’ll try harder in the future.
Computers are very hard. They have bright screen and beep and I do not understand them. I tried to hire people who understand them, but they no good either. I will try to find better people. People with glasses because they are usually smart. Now I will count these words. That was only fifty words. Do I really need to write a hundred? That is a lot of words. This Secretary job is hard and now people are yelling at me. This makes me sad. I will count the words again. Still need some more. Burritos are my favorite food.
[MUSIC: "Piano Concerto No. 1 in B-flat minor, Op. 23" - P. Tchaikovsky, arranged and conducted by Bernard Herrmann]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen: the director of the Mercury Theatre and star of these broadcasts, Orson Welles …
ORSON WELLES: We know now that in the early years of the twenty-first century this country was being watched closely by beings different than normal man and yet as mortal as he.
We know now that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.
With infinite complacence people went to and fro over the nation about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small spinning fragment of solar driftwood which by chance or design man has inherited out of the dark mystery of Time and Space.
Yet across an immense ethical gulf, minds that are as different from our minds as ours are to the beasts in the jungle, intellectuals, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this country with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.
In the thirteenth year of the twenty-first century came the great disillusionment. It was in October when the attack plans reached fruition. Obamacare was a reality…
In the next Constitution, there needs to be some sort of triggering mechanism where the entire government is exiled to Antarctica.
People say, “Forcefully relocating all of Congress to Antarctica would be expensive!” but I think in the end we’d save money.
It’s cute Bill Maher thinks he’s not part of the stupider Americans.
This is all because of a glitch we had in 2008.
So how is the “We had to lie to you because you’re stupid” spin working out?
It’s a little scary sometimes to see the seething hatred some on the left have for what they imagine Republicans in middle America are like.
I looked in the comments of an NY Times article (why would I do that) and saw this:
I think what you are seeing here is the wealthy republicans (at heart) who can no longer stomach the ‘social conservatives’ that have taken over the Republican Party are now Democrats.
They had to go somewhere, they certainly could not stay with the mouth breathers and droolers who still consider it their god given task to stop gays, blacks, browns and single mothers wherever they may be.
So the wealthy, in New York City at least, are a very mixed bag. Some are still FDR liberals, but some are more akin to John Galt with a social conscience.
That’s OK, we should take our allies where we can get them.
I’m guessing that guy imagines he’s standing up the KKK while he’s actually using rhetoric and ignorant hatred that makes him more their kin.
University of Colorado students have been told not to wear “offensive” Halloween costumes including cowboys, Indians, and anything involving a sombrero.
Can they still dress up as an overbearing, finger-wagging university official?
Obamacare as promised:
Obamacare as delivered:
And this is where I must stop you, [America-Haters]. Be as thin-skinned, jealous, and spiteful as you like, but you have no right to take someone else’s successes away from them. You have no right to invalidate their achievements. You have no place. You have no standing. You have not the single, slightest damned clue as to what you’re babbling about.
It is this attitude that I detest. I hate it. I don’t hate you – I hate your attitude. I hate the attitude that leads a person to try and diminish the blood, sweat and tears of the strivers and achievers in our society. I hate the attitude that hates success. To scoff at another’s triumph is about the most anti-American thing you can ever do. You might as well decapitate a Bald Eagle while burning the flag and kissing the Communist Manifesto, because you have officially become the most un-American creature in the galaxy. You are standing on the sidelines and spitting on the people crossing the finish line, and I can’t think of a more detestable hobby than that.