Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) October 8, 2013
Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 8, 2013
I hope I look as good as Kenny Rogers when I’m an 800 year-old lizard creature from another dimension.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) October 8, 2013
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 8, 2013
Watched a tiny asian girl swing her iPhone around by the headphones and realized she knows not of fear and must be stopped.
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 8, 2013