[Barack is leaving the White House Christmas party early]
Barack: Merry Chriskwanzakah, dudes. I got to go sleep this one off.
Joe: You totally can’t say that, dude. It’s offensive. You totally left out the Muslims.
Barack: It’s not my fault we don’t celebrate Ramalamadingdong in December this year. Stupid lunar calendar. I’m going to bed. Later, dude.
[Stumbles into his bedroom to find the ghost of Nelson Mandela waiting impatiently for him]
Nelson (in a moaning voice): Barack Obama……
Barack: Cha! Dude, you aren’t real, dude. You’re like, a spot of undigested beef or that crapload of blue meth I just like totally did.
Nelson: I am most certainly not a bad trip, mon.
Barack: You are so totally a bad trip, MON. Nelson Mandela would only speak Jamaican in one of my hallucinations. Kind of like Obamacare would only work in one of my hallucinations, mon. That is usually how I can tell reality from hallucinations. If I can log on to healthcare.gov, then I know I’m, like, totally tripping, dude.
Nelson (points ominously at the laptop screen showing the crashed healthcare.gov website)
Barack: Duuuuuuuude…….Ok, so maybe you are real, but what is with all that ugly, cheap ass bling, dude? Chains are supposed to be gold and shiny and junk, not all that ugly cast iron junk you are all dragging around and stuff.
Nelson: Well, here’s da ting, mon. De afterlife isn’t dat much different than da mortal life. Let me give you a little tip. Just like in the real life, if you want to avoid going to jail and ending up in dese here chains, try really hard not to be black or Hispanic. Boy, day sure have a lot of chains waiting dere for you, mon.
Barack: If you say so. You sure you ain’t been toking a bit too much of the ganja yourself, dude. But, dude. While I got you here, I totally have a question for you, dude. Answer me this. Answer me this. Answer me this. I have a bet with Joe about this one. You, are, like a ghost, right, so you should know this one, right. Ok, like those ghost hunter dudes are always saying that ghosts always appear doing stuff they were, like, really passionate about in life, you know. Like, stuff they were totally into. If that is true, why don’t we ever see ghosts making love? Answer me that one, dude.
Nelson: Seriously, mon? Tink about it for a minute. Why do you tink dem ghosts is always moaning, mon. And why do day get so mad and start trowing junk around when you come along and interrupt dem in da throes? Seriously, mon? And don’t you make me tell you what ectoplasm really be. I and I. But you have totally gotten me off the tracks. I be here to save your soul, mon. Before morning, you are gonna be visited by tree ghosts. No, wait, apparently your past is sealed up tighter dan a steel drum, so the Ghost of Christmas Past is a no show. So you gonna be visited by two ghosts, mon. Listen to dem, mon. It be very good if you be hearing what they be saying to you, mon. Da first one comes when de clock strikes one (fades away).
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)