AP – (North Pole) – EPA regulators paid a visit to good ole Saint Nick early this morning to serve him an injunction ordering him to cease and desist all operations pending the outcome of their inspection and investigation into his negative environmental impact. He is accused of polluting the atmosphere with carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases and encouraging additional carbon dioxide pollution within the US and worldwide. He is specifically charged with the overt and excessive distribution of coal, a notorious carbon dioxide emitter, to naughty girls and boys who would undoubtedly light up the world-destroying coal while they are naughtily playing with magnifying glasses, matches or other combustibles. He is further charged with operating reindeer-powered vehicles that are also notorious greenhouse gas emitters, exhausting primarily methane gas which is a more powerful greenhouse gas than the more widely recognized carbon dioxide.
Michael Mann, the environmental scientist responsible for creating the hockey stick graph, has this to say regarding the actions the EPA took this morning: “This action has surely been a long time coming. Having reviewed the data, it is abundantly clear that action needs to be taken against this brazen polluter. He is distributing millions of tons of coal worldwide, and he is distributing it via reindeer propulsion. Think about the length of the flight path. He is flying to every single house in the world, undoubtedly leaving Rudolph and company idling on the rooftops while he is inside. That is an astronomical amount of methane emissions. I’m tempted to abandon the idea of anthropogenic global warming and replace it with the idea of Santagenic global warming. In terms of the environment, Santa is definitely at the top of my naughty list. What will the repercussions of this injunction be? Will this mean millions of heartbroken children Christmas morning? Absolutely. But we all need to sacrifice for the good of the planet. Besides, if I never got my little red wagon, neither should any of they.” But he then had to cut his remarks short because he had to meet Leonardo Dicaprio at the airport to take his private jet to Switzerland for the next conference.
Santa was not available for comment, but an unrepentant Mrs. Claus had this to say before she was also hurried into custody: “I say fiddlesticks to the whole lot of you. If you were stuck up here, you’d want some warming too. It’s been ages since I’ve put on my bathing suit. We will not rest! We will not stop! This will not end until the whole world has been transformed back into a lush, tropical paradise from pole to pole! Viva la warming!”