It’s Not Too Late to Nuke the Moon Before It Goes Red

Posted on December 17, 2013 11:00 am

Why didn’t we nuke the moon like I, America’s foremost foreign policy expert and author of such books as Other Countries Are Stupid and Rarr! I Hate Other Countries!, have recommended? And you see what happens now: there’s a Commie robot driving around the moon.

Now, if we had a real American president, he would have shot down that Commie rocket as soon as it launched. And when the Chinese asked, “Why did you shoot down our peaceful mission of exploration?” The president would have said, “Because you’re Commies! So shut your stupid Commie mouths and go make me a new iPad!”

But things wouldn’t even have gotten that far if we had just nuked the moon. Nuking something is the celestial equivalent of licking food. Like when you lick the donut you want so no one else touches it, you can nuke the moon so everyone afterwards would leave it alone. But we didn’t do that, and now Commie robots are taking it over. And what’s next? Islamic terror robots? Try making an ultra-libertarian colony on the moon with those running around.

Well, it’s not too late to nuke the moon. I know we can no longer get a man in space, but surely we can still get a warhead to the moon. Then we’ll call up the Chinese and be all like, “Wow. What bad luck. You happened to put your rover right where we had long ago decided to set off a nuke. Super bad luck. Must have happened because GOD HATES COMMIES!” Then we later put a battle bot on the moon — you know, the type of robot with like a circular saw on the front for destroying other robots. “Battle Bots: Moon Edition.” If any other country wants to try and send a probe to our moon, it better know how to fight.

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2 Responses to “It’s Not Too Late to Nuke the Moon Before It Goes Red”

  1. slapout says:

    Guess we’ll have to nuke Mars now

  2. Harvey says:

    I can’t believe it took them this long to build a soundstage to film fake lunar footage on. What a backwards people…

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