Right to Work Laws Threaten Christmas

Posted on December 23, 2013 11:15 am

AP - North Pole: In a show of solidarity with labor unions upset with the recent passage of Right to Work laws, Santa’s elves have gone on strike and have begun talks with SIEU officials to organize themselves, leaving the world wondering if Christmas will come this year. The situation became violent when scab shoemaker elves, gnomes and goblins, all unemployed during the recent recession, tried to cross the picket line so toy production could resume in time for Christmas.  Reports indicate that, using illicit supplies of pixie dust, scabs were transformed into gingerbread men and maliciously eaten as a warning.

Santa was unavailable for comment, but Mrs. Claus said that “they were particularly delicious dipped in reindeer cream.”  Before refusing to field further questions, she assured that enough scabs made it safely into the factory to resume production. Though she did caution that children should expect an inordinate amount of footwear and underpants this year, and they should be cautious of eating anything that may be in their stockings, since the goblins may have tainted it.  She added the final disclaimer that neither she nor Mr. Claus could be held responsible for any missing or poisoned children Christmas morning.

Rudolph, the Abominable Snowmonster and Yukon Cornelius have sided with the elves.  Speaking for the group, Yukon had this to say, “These elves have been slaves to that fat man long enough.  I mean just look at that wussy Hermey over there.  He finally gets his dental degree and promptly goes out of business because no one has dental coverage.  Now he just sits on the side of the road with his “Will Floss for Food” sign.  Silver and gold, I say.  The only silver and gold around here is up there in that greedy fat cat’s castle.  And what do these downtrodden elves get?  (Licks his pick axe) Nothin’.”

Asked to comment on the holiday crisis, President Obama responded simply, “I’d suggest that the problem can be solved by raising taxes on the rich and Obamacare, but, really, what do I care?  Like all my African forefathers before me, I celebrate Quanza, but I wouldn’t turn down some more of those scab-cookies. They were delicious.”

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9 Responses to “Right to Work Laws Threaten Christmas”

  1. Jimmy says:

    “…children should expect an inordinate amount of footwear and underpants this year…”

    As a kid, there’s nothing worse than receiving pajamas for Christmas. One year, I got three pair from relatives. They were horrible and I never wore them. But then, I never wore pajamas anyway.

    Funny piece, Lactose.

  2. Burt says:

    When I was a wee lad, we were very poor. When I was asked what I wanted for Christmas I told them that I knew I needed clothes, but I really wanted something I could play with. They bought me a pair of jeans and cut the pockets out of them.

  3. steve56 says:

    Quanza??? Wait !!! Has Kwanzaa been renamed so as to not offend????? Apparently I’m not in that memo circle….

  4. Lactose the Intolerant says:

    @3, Ya noticed that, huh? I saw it misspelled that way once in an Associated Press article and have spelled it that way ever since as a personal inside joke to myself. Especially since it’s a made up holiday with a made up spelling anyway…..

  5. DamnCat says:

    @ Burt – HA!

  6. Steve H says:

    ‘tose, your posts are rare and brilliant. I wish I were as witty.
    Have a great Christmas, good sir.

  7. Oppo says:

    “(Licks his pick axe) Nothin’.”

    That would make an awesome anti-Obamacare commercial. Thanks, Lactose!

  8. CrabbyOldBat says:

    Has Jeepers Jinglecookie made a statement yet?

    http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/yuletime/

  9. Lactose the Intolerant says:

    @6 well thank you very much. And a Merry Christmas to you as well!

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