Straight Line of the Day: A New Poll Shows Most Americans Don’t Care About Santa’s Race, But How Would Christmas Be Different if Santa Were Non-White?

Posted on December 23, 2013 12:00 pm

[High Praise! to rodney dill for today's line]

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

A new poll shows most Americans don’t care about Santa’s race, but how would Christmas be different if Santa were non-white?

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57 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: A New Poll Shows Most Americans Don’t Care About Santa’s Race, But How Would Christmas Be Different if Santa Were Non-White?”

  1. Chip says:

    “…But How Would Christmas Be Different if Santa Were Non-White?”

    Ho! Ho! Ho! would probably mean something completely different.

    And Santa’s Sleigh could be totally pimped out with a lift kit in the back, hydraulics in the front, some undercarriage lighting, and a totally banging set of speakers in the back!

  2. rodney dill says:

    …it would pave the way for Baby Shiite Jesus.

  3. Steve H says:

    “…But How Would Christmas Be Different if Santa Were Non-White?”

    … Maybe then the secular media would be less okay with Santa being an overweight reclusive slave-holder who only works one day a year and has a trespassing rap-sheet that could reach from here to the sun.

  4. rodney dill says:

    There would be some interesting new Christmas Carols


    Dashing through the snow,
    just gotta get away,,
    O’er the fields I go,
    Chased by the KKK


    Oh, you better watch out,
    you better not cry,
    you better not pout,
    I’m tellin’ you D@mn .
    It feels good to be a gangsta


    I hand out gifts and slide on ice.
    Living in a Gangsters paradise.
    Saying “Ho Ho” and tellin’ you, “Be Nice.”
    Living in a Gangsters paradise.

    (admittedly I have a head start)

  5. rodney dill says:

    …did I mention Cee Lo Claus

    I see you slidin’ round town
    with the sleid that I love

    I’m like Fa-La yule
    I guess sayin’ Merry Christmas just wasn’t enough,
    I’m like Fa-la yule, and Fa-La Rosebud too

  6. Steve H says:

    To Rob, Bob, Miss, Harvey, Walrus, Frank, and many many others – I’m probably going to be offline for a few days, so the Merriest of Christmas to you and yours!

  7. rodney dill says:

    At least we’d find the answer to that age old question. “What’s red and white, and black all over?”

  8. Jimmy says:

    ♪♫ I’m dreaming of a non-white Christmas ♪♫

  9. Oppo says:

    Well, questioning the existence of Santa would be racist . . . natch.

  10. Oppo says:

    Elfonomic Justice would require a perpetual percenteage of presents be residtributed TO Santa, rather than FROM him.

    Wrapper-ations!

  11. Oppo says:

    (“residtributed”? WTF?)

  12. rodney dill says:

    presents be residtributed

    Quite obviously this would be done by recidivists

  13. FormerHostage says:

    A non-white, entering other people’s homes uninvited, at night. What do YOU think would happen?

  14. Jimmy says:

    @11: residtributed = A tribute to a residual?

  15. Bob B says:

    Progressives would find it much more difficult to denigrate the ideals of Christmas, because their PC tropes wouldn’t work.

    @10 – Hitting the eggnog a might early?

  16. FormerHostage says:

    Instead of cookies and milk it’d be:
    (black) McD’s and a coke
    (hispanic) Burritos and a Dos Equis
    (asian) Noodles and green tea
    (red-neck) Pork rinds and sweet tea
    (damn-cat) Tuna and cream

  17. FormerHostage says:

    (Italian) Cannolis and a nice red.
    (German) Brats and a Beck’s
    (Irish) Guiness and a Smithwicks with a Jameson’s chaser.

  18. FormerHostage says:

    Labor unions and race hustlers would organize protests demanding that department store Santa’s get a living wage.

  19. rodney dill says:

    @17
    (Norwegian) Lutefisk and lefse and coffee.
    (Packer Fan) Brats and beer.

  20. Oppo says:

    The Justice Department might secretly ship crateloads of Red Ryder BB guns to Santa, in the hopes of causing a crisis of kids shooting their eyes out.

  21. Jimmy says:

    His beard would still be white, however, because Santa’s an old guy.

    But his reindeer would have to look like this:

     ╗╔ ║  ╔
     ╚╣ ╚╬╝
     C╙─ ╨────☻
      /   Θ ════╡
     /    /─────┘
    /   /

  22. c64wood says:

    How Would Christmas Be Different if Santa Were Non-White?

    …Let It Snow would take on a whole new meaning.

    …The North Pole toy factory would be relocated to Detroit

    …There would no longer be a “War on Christmas” because that would be racist

  23. rodney dill says:

    A Community Organizers “Nite Before Malcolm X-Mas”

    …When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a miniature sleigh, and eight grimy pit bulls.

    With a little old driver, so jivin’ and quick,
    I knew in a moment it must be St Slick.
    More rapid than beagles his coursers they came,
    And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

    “Now Martin! now, Malcolm! now, Louis, Obama!
    On, Jesse! On, Sharpton! on, Eldridge, Mandela!
    To the top of the porch! fangs showing to maul!
    Now gnash away! gnash away! gnash away all!”

  24. Matt Musson says:

    Kevin Hart says that if Santa was black – you would be lucky to get your presents by the 28th or 29th!

  25. walruskkkch says:

    A new poll shows most Americans don’t care about Santa’s race, but how would Christmas be different if Santa were non-white?

    Santa doesn’t bring presents to you, you bring presents to Santa

    The reindeer would be pit bulls.

    He’d want Anonymiss cookies! Just like the real Santa

    Cookies and Milk? No, hookers and blow, yes.

    wouldn’t be available for work on Christmas Eve.

    he be a Left-Jolly old Elf.

    he would still be non-PC because of his Gender, Sexual orientation species assignment.

    100,000,000 counts of “Breaking and Entering” every year.

  26. James says:

    Obamacare sign-ups would be extended until after the mid-term elections.

  27. Oppo says:

    He’d be invited to the White House.

  28. rodney dill says:

    …reindeer farts would be reported as AK-47 gunfire.

  29. Oppo says:

    Would he just be Baby-Daddy Christmas?

  30. rodney dill says:

    deck the malls with bombs and fatwas
    Allah Allah Ah – Allahu Akbar

    tis the season to shoot Christians
    Allah Allah Ah – Allahu Akbar

    Bomb we now the infidel dwellings
    Allah Ah Allah Ah Allahu Akbar

    Rejoice as we’ve all gone feral
    Allah Allah Ah – Allahu Akbar

  31. Oppo says:

    Workshop at the North Pole? I don’t think so.

  32. Oppo says:

    He would have a chance at winning on Boxing Day.

  33. Oppo says:

    You’d probably get better presents if you’re on the “Nasty” list, not the “Nice” list.

  34. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …no coal for bad boys and girls, they get drive-by’s.

  35. Oppo says:

    The UN would hold annual 2-week conferences in Rio to discuss the implications.

  36. Oppo says:

    Liberal studies majors would enshrine him in their curriculum as an example of how socialism can actually work.

  37. Jimmy says:

    Christmas would sell better in lower latitudes.

  38. Oppo says:

    He would have gone medieval on the Grinch.

  39. willy says:

    You could make ginger cookie santas using only red frosting.

  40. jw says:

    …but how would Christmas be different if Santa were non-white?

    it would be called kwanzaa

    instead of cookies and milk, santa would get fried chicken, watermelon and a 40 oz bottle of colt 45 malt liquor.

    the lead reindeer would be named michelle

  41. Oppo says:

    … MLK and cookies will be the new tradition.

    …. NORAD will be even more persistent in tracking him. Wait a second. Who am I kidding?

    If Hispanic:

    … Look forward to “Mira – Mira – Miracle on 34th Street” and si – si -si-cret Santas each year.

  42. Karen says:

    … Santa Claus would be declared a racist stereotype.

  43. frogmouth says:

    It wouldn’t, you racist!!1!lebenty!!

  44. Oppo says:

    “On D’Ashur! On D’Ansur! On Pranzer and VixN!
    On Q’Ahmet! On Q’Pidd! On Don(R) and Blit$en!”

  45. walruskkkch says:

    A new poll shows most Americans don’t care about Santa’s race, but how would Christmas be different if Santa were non-white?

    he’d be called MC Nate X.

  46. Oppo says:

    …and for another thing, the Eisenhowers would be out of the whole Christmas thing. You’d never hear “I saw Mamie kissing Santa Claus.”

  47. Oppo says:

    He might use foreign words like “Santa” instead of “Saint.” Wait…

  48. Oppo says:

    We’d all have a “Hola Chula” Christmas

  49. Oppo says:

    Then Santa would be the color of some race that didn’t invent him. Why do you ask?

  50. Manolo says:

    A new poll shows most Americans don’t care about Santa’s race, but how would Christmas be different if Santa were non-white? We’d all be sitting around the dinner table talking about how disgraceful it is for people to attack the institution of Christmas by thinking of Santa Claus as a Caucasian.

  51. Manolo says:

    A new poll shows most Americans don’t care about Santa’s race, but how would Christmas be different if Santa were non-white? Santa would be a black-haired, glasses-wearing fellow from the Arabian desert who wears a silk Zebra stripe daishiki while riding a Royal Enfield motorcycle to deliver toys to the children who leave him curried ginger tofu won tons, and who –just before going up the chimney– turns, winks and says, “Stay thirsty, my friend.”

  52. RAML says:

    Back when I believed in the “person” of Santa , It was more like where is my stuff. Now that it is more like believing in the “persona” of Santa, anybody christian will work.

  53. jw says:

    @51

    …Royal Enfield motorcycle…sweet.

  54. Doug says:

    No Santa cred? No Christmas!
    More like ‘block parties’… with presents!

  55. Harvey says:

    If Santa were Japanese, you’d get your presents delivered on December 7th – SURPRISE!!!

  56. FormerHostage says:

    Oh Harvey! Dats da bomb!

  57. Gumbeaux says:

    The reindeer would have large, fuzzy dice hanging from their antlers, and chimney feelers attached to their legs.

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